Being in the tropics frolicking with dolphins was a great distraction to keep Fear at bay. Back home alone with the ominous presence of my lump, Fear germinated into a full blown mind fuck. I pushed away from it, I wanted it out, more than anything I wanted a quick fix. My knowing wrestled with all the “what if’s” while I stood at the crossroads preparing to make my move.
Nothing about this journey was going to be quick nor easy. No doubt, the mental wrestling ground would be visited numerous times along the way. Fear had the ability to transform my convictions into a puddle of uncertainty in a split second. I had to eradicate the “what if’s” in order to heal. I knew the dysfunction of cellular activity was a direct response to me. Something I suppressed, something I experienced, something I didn’t process…
Perhaps that understanding alone gave me the strength to believe in myself. Because if I created it, I could also reverse it. I needed to find out the exact reason why it happened. It wasn’t something I’d contracted or was passed along in my genes. It couldn’t have just been a shitty break because there is a reason for everything. We all have dormant cancer cells… something in my life had triggered an uprising.
The light of my Spirit had been buried beneath my “To Do” lists for too long. My undigested life experiences proclaimed “SEE ME NOW!” It was time for a reckoning… my body was in a state of revolution, it had had enough! It was time to deep dive into my can of worms and face what was in there. That was the mission. No one else could do it for me.
The surgeon said he wouldn’t be able to move forward without a 3D mammogram, and the enlarged gland above my lump biopsied. That meant another titanium clip and my tumour pressed between 20 pounds of pressure. So if I have this compromised pathway, wouldn’t squishing my lump set all those unruly cells free? That just seemed like a bad idea…
Appointments were made with the diagnostic team and everything was set in motion. None of the doctors ever asked me how I wanted to proceed. By the end of my trip, I knew what I had to do. All it took was one phone call.
My biggest struggle was telling my husband about my decision. I had cancelled my appointments upon my return without discussing it with him. I did this because I had to. I had to in order to stay committed to what I knew was NOT right for me. I couldn’t allow myself to be swayed by his fears. I was still taking every step with a wobble. I didn’t have the capacity to defend my decision.
I did my best to explain my thought process but even as I spoke, I could feel his fear starting to penetrate mine. I was asking a lot out of him… to just trust my intuition and accept my choice. I wished so badly to be able to transfer what I felt in my gut right into his. I just knew I would be ok. We always made big decisions together. That was the first time he did not have a say. In that moment the walls came up and between us a massive chasm.
I allowed the space between us to be just that and dove into my self care routine with a single minded determination. I could not allow myself to get distracted even if my relationship was at stake. I trusted that there would be resolve between us in due time. I fuelled my energy into things that I could control. I listened deeply to my inner voice and used it as my guiding compass.
I researched, applied what I learned with focus and with discipline. I spent a lot of time in the forests hugging trees and falling apart. I slowed my life down exponentially. I prayed for help from the very core of my being. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I got comfortable with not having a fucking clue about what to do next. I opened myself up to people I felt drawn to. I became transparent…I consciously started to do things differently, because I knew I couldn’t be the same person I was before Cancer ripped into my life.
Then, something magical started to happen. My intuition became sharper. I started to get irrefutable signs. I accepted them faithfully and took action…I followed the breadcrumbs. I devoted myself to practices that grounded me, charged me, and aligned me with the Powers Be.
Al quietly witnessed the transformation taking place. He recognized my unwavering ability to stay focused on my path. It had been a couple of weeks since our divide when he pulled me into a sudden embrace. “I got your back baby, I believe in you”. I melted into him as his support was yet another sign that I was on the right track. He never swayed from that moment on.
LESSON: FOLLOW THE BREADCRUMBS