The light recedes towards the darkness as the days get shorter and the air feels colder. There is a familiar melancholy felt in trading the bursting days of summer to the inward coiling of the long winter months ahead. Perhaps that is why I feel so tired, so very tired of the discipline it takes to live my life the way I have chosen to live it.
Faith is a fire that needs regular tending to so it won’t go out. If I let the fire go out I’m not sure I can exist in the dark. For the last 3 months I’ve had relapses of what I experienced early on in my healing journey. My eyes… the physical portal from which I perceive is the door between my mind and the outside world. I’ve had round after round of what I call the Rocky Balboa eyes because when it’s bad it looks like double shiners.
The first time it happened was after my 33 day grape fast three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I’ve relied 100% on my inner compass to show me the way. Around that time my compass was spinning round and round leading me nowhere. Not knowing what to do next to “fix” what I thought was broken left me very vulnerable to the onslaught of fear.
My biological response to “not being able to see my way forward” was for my eyes to produce more tear fluid to aid my sight to see better. My tear producing glands worked overtime swelling up to the degree of my mental funckery. The tear drainage ducts plug up from too much pressure and there I have Rocky Balboa eyes.
Not knowing what I know now, at the time I thought the cancer metastasized into my eyes which only made my symptons worse. The light of my faith was but a flicker so I signed up for Vipassana and found a way to stoke my fire.
I haven’t had a relapse until I decided to get a MRI diagnostic this summer. Two lumps appeared beneath the scar of my lumpectomy shortly after the shocking death of a beloved sister. We had instantly connected through the same diagnosis and similar approach to healing. She too had been following her inner compass to heal her spirit in order to heal her body. God connected us at a time we needed each other the most. Her sudden death and in which I found out about it was a blow I was totally unprepared for. If she died following her compass what does that mean for me?
After grieving her death for months I noticed small nodules developing under my scar. As a student of German New Medicine I had no doubt that it was in response to my shock. I won’t get into the biological science of what happened as I have written about in the past. It’s one thing to have the knowledge, it’s entirely another beast to actually practice it when we are taught to fear our symptoms. It’s no easy feat to over ride synapses that have been wiring and firing through indoctrination.
I’ve had these lumps now for a year. During that time I’ve lost numerous friends to cancer. The last time someone looked inside was over two years ago when I had my lumpectomy. At the time I was told cancer was in one of my lymph nodes. Rather than doing the recommend testing and treatments I followed my compass again. I am my own test subject. Deciding on getting a MRI was the biggest gamble to see if my faith was placed in the hands of God or in the hands of ignorance and stupidity.
In the month leading up to the MRI my eyes blew up. To have this relentless episode revisit me at that time was the cruelest of confirmations that my body responds to my mind. My life was put on hold. I couldn’t plan anything past what I would potentially find from that screening. I couldn’t “see” my way forward.
In the tunnel of the rumbling, white machine I prayed with all my might. I was stuck in an in-between place between faith and accepting my fate. What would I do if I was deadly wrong all this time? Maybe my next lesson would be ultimate humility.
The ten days waiting for the results was accompanied by my eyes mirroring my internal struggle. It takes so much discipline to choose faith rather than give up. I think I am hardwired to believe that I’m being supported by a greater power than myself, otherwise I could not live this life. I thank the Creator for creating me this way.
What the MRI revealed was not what I hoped for but it did restore power in my faith. What I wanted to know was if the lumps in my breast are proliferating or benign. This would tell me if my body is still in survival mode or if that “program” has been resolved. I was urged further testing and poking around to know for certain. I’m not going down that road right now.
What I did find out is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body. If I believed that cancer in the lymph led to the spreading of cancer elsewhere, it would have been all over the place after two years. That confirmation is enough to keep me going even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. My concern is not that cancer will spread. The body biologically responds to trauma as a survival mechanism. My job is to be aware enough to downgrade it so the symptoms won’t become life threatening.
Since then, my eyes continue to oscillate between swelling and receding. Like a tide going in and out-I ebb in the realm of faith. I have clues to why this is happening but I’m still in the midst of figuring it out. Every-time I look at myself I think I’m triggering the cycle. Body follows mind and mind follows body too. I’m stuck in a feedback loop of all that I’ve gone through and still having to go through. I don’t know why I’m the way that I am. It’s not easy putting all my eggs in a basket that can’t be seen. That’s why it’s called faith.
LESSON: CONFIRMATIONS DON’T ALWAYS COME IN WAYS THAT ARE PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE CONFIRMATIONS NONE THE LESS.
Marianne Williamson’s talk was inspiring, liberating and sobering. I’ve been a great fan of her work as her interpretations of A Course In Miracles affirms what I’ve been learning from the book in a way that cements it in. She is witty, passionate and has great analogies to explain what the course is about in layman’s terms.
At 70 yrs old, her energy was powerful and electric. The takeaway for me was that she talked about the 3 days between the crucifixion and the resurrection. We are at a pivotal time where we live in 2 worlds now. One that is dying and one that is being birthed. We are facilitating the shift in consciousness as both death doula and birth doula. We are in between the crucifixion and the resurrection.
The time of the crucifixion as a metaphor, is us being hung up and wounded by our past and living from that place. It’s important to tend to our wounds and be conscious of it and it’s also important to know when it’s time to get off the cross to get resurrected – that can only happen in the NOW. We must choose to release ourselves so that we can heal not just ourselves but the world.
My understanding of the resurrection is waking up to the truth of who we are which is that we are One with all of creation. A Course In Miracles uses the metaphor that we are all rays of the sun not realizing that we all come from the one source. As long as we think we are separate from one another we believe we are separate from what we already are. We can never be separate from what we really are because love made us like itself. It is all encompassing and eternal- always there waiting to be remembered.
We yearn to return to what we already are but maybe it’s not something we just do solo. I’ve done so much deep solo work but it can only get me so far until I can extend it into my relationships. I know this is true for myself.
Marianne Williamson confirmed that ultimately what we do and feel towards others we do unto ourselves. So in every opportunity through our relationships we can fragment or heal through love. It’s important to know that love can also be fierce, powerful, and have boundaries. It’s not just about the fluffy stuff because forgiveness is key to freeing each other and ourselves especially when it feels impossible to do so.
ACM says, “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”. What I’m learning is the miracles the book talks about isn’t about some grand event to make non believers believe. A miracle happens in every moment when we remember who we are. I think that’s enlightenment and it can happen in a fleeting moment of remembrance- when we are free from painful projections of the past which is ultimately fuelled by fear. It happens when we really see ourselves in each other no matter what is being expressed on the outside. At the core we are all of the same.
It’s a practice that’s for sure and maybe that’s why we’re here having this human experience.
Marianne had us think about the hardest event that happened in our lives. I felt my heart clamp down. Then she told us to look at the person to the right, to the left, in front and behind. Then asked us to think of our event again and notice if the feeling changed. For me, the compassion I felt towards others with that instant reflection became not just mine but all of ours and there I found love. Pain is pain, there is no competing that one persons suffers more than another. The tight place where my pain lived softened and I believe we did it all together.
Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
LESSON: “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”
Why is it that we refer to people in the past tense when the body completes its function? If she becomes a “was” instead of an “is” that means she doesn’t exist. She is no longer expressed through the body that we recognize but it doesn’t mean she went out like a candle flame.
I’m sitting where I can see her face clearly. The veil between the seen world and unseen mystery is tangible. Within the sacred circle of her Beloveds there’s a deep stirring of the ways of the old, like we’ve done this before from a time we don’t remember. We know exactly how to be- perfect in our individual response of letting her go yet united in love. We are at the pinnacle of presence blessing her holy departure.
She’s lying in the centre on a bed of a thousand pedals staring into the eyes of her children. My heart cracks wide open to feel the nuance of all that I’m feeling. I don’t want to pull away from this… I won’t falter to my attachments and crumble. I will all of me to be present with her. I stay anchored to my faith that we go on when our body does not.
I am an open vessel funnelling this profound moment. Ancient circuits are going on line because I know this ceremony. This is how it is suppose to be… Our hallowed anthem of whispers, cries, songs and prayers will carry her onwards and always.
During my time as a doula I welcomed many births. How does such a small being survive the arduous journey to the outside world? How can it be crushed, pushed and pulled without being utterly damaged? I’ve heard that the pineal gland releases huge amounts of DMT also known as the “Spirit Molecule” during birth and death. The tryptamine induces an intense altered state similar to what one would experience at a peak of a psychedelic experience. Perhaps that is why we hear of near-death stories where survivors have profound spiritual experiences and encounters with other worldly beings.
I need to believe that the many Ayahuasca ceremonies Scarlet did prepared her for this ultimate trip.
Scarlet Mary Rose came into my life like an explosion of confetti. We met over 2 decades ago in a college music program. Before Scarlet, I’d never met a woman who could unabashedly, unapologetically, and genuinely express herself. I didn’t know what to make of her except that she was deeply intriguing. She invoked, inspired and provoked parts of me that I didn’t know existed.
Burlesque sounded like something that came out of Timbuktu. I had no idea what it was until Scarlet glorified the art through her fantastical imagination. She captivated me with her vision to empower women and liberate sexuality through creativity- music, dance, twirling titties and gyrating asses-it’s a freedom movement of unbound self expression. She said her nipples would be covered in fancy tape and her vagina always just out of sight. My mind was blown.
Within a year after my diagnosis she got the exact same news. I thought I was solid, I thought I had my fear at bay but she was really afraid and it triggered me big time. I supported her through what I’d learned, I did my best to inspire her to dig deep, but there were days when we were both mentally mangled by our prognosis.
People can love and support you the best that they know how. But unless they are in the trenches with you, there’s no way to grasp the extent of mind fuckery mortality plays on you when it’s knocking at your door. We leaned on each other and respectively gave each other space. We made a pact to be honest with where we are at.
I’ll never forget the day I met her at the hospital after her chemo. She was convinced that the treatments would kill her, that her body couldn’t take the chemical assault. I held onto her like I held onto my own life. “There’s got to be another way”, I said.
Scarlet did find her own way. I witnessed her transcending fear and step into grace. She looked into me as her soul spoke out that she was ready. I instantly let go of my own agenda, my own need for her to keep going… for her not to give up. She wasn’t giving up, she was letting go.
Al and I drove 2 hours to this beautiful, remote, retreat centre to send her off. It’s important for us to be here for Scarlet but for us as well. We don’t talk about my health as long my cues are affirming that all is well. But, the “what if” is still in the periphery and now we are facing it with Scarlet. Somehow we know that there will be healing by being close to what we don’t want to think about.
“See the wood this ceiling is made out of? ” Scarlet says. “I bet my grandpa milled it because it’s the kind of wood only he milled at the time. My ancestors are here.” I am savouring every word she says. I’m collecting every opportunity to take her in before she goes. I tell her I love her. She holds me and whispers “when it’s time just let go”.
Scarlet is holding court before her departure. She is singing a duet with a Beloved on the piano and it’s the performance of her life. I’m sure her voice is opening the portal to the place where she is going. The last line of the song is “let me die” and we all crack open some more.
I’m keeping a firm eye on her. What if she changes her mind? What do I do if she does? Scarlet’s reliving the highlights of her burlesque career. She’s bringing in her Beloveds who couldn’t be there in person through her stories. There’s tales of glitter bombs, big balls and her cowgirl burlesque act as Rosy Rawhide. We are laughing, singing, crying and celebrating. All the while she is leading the way- there’s no apprehension, no fall back, she is set on her trajectory and ready for takeoff.
“I’m gonna smoke this joint and then we’re gonna go” she claimed. This is it… and we all know it. We walk in a sacred procession to the place where her body will be left behind.
My mind is trying to keep up with the magnitude of what is actually happening. I am straining my eyes to see beyond the wet curtain of tears. I will not miss the holy instant of her spiritual metamorphosis. I feel her leave.
We are taking turns revering her brilliance. It feels like we are suspended in space existing between here and where-ever she is. The men leave and several sisters stay to wash her voluptuous, porcelain body. I am singing as I wash her breast with the scar from her surgery. It is deeply healing for me to be so intimate with her scar that’s akin to mine. I am at peace entranced by her beauty- She’s a renaissance woman blazing the path to always.
A revelation occurs in a miraculous instant when the constructs of the ego falters. What’s left standing is who I really am. I was given the gift of this experience after a tumultuous week of rumbling with chaos. It occurred when I traded in all of my tools for the mighty One. It occurred when I finally had the sense to ask for help.
I used to think that God hands out the hard lessons to be learned- as if I need to pass certain levels to ascend to my higher Self. But I’m beginning to recognize the similar traits of every avenue that leads to suffering. The common denominator being fear, guilt and shame- the Trio Of Destruction that often works in that consecutive order.
When I’m able to catch the whiff of that familiar pattern of attack, I notice various versions of the same story crafted from my past. They all operate under the law of limitations, devaluations, and evaluations based on external validations. All tools used by the ego to create a perception of the world that keeps me from knowing my true greatness.
My ego is the ghost writer of a convincing story who sneakily put God’s name on the cover. The light is gone only because I believe what’s written in the script -it is not a test from the Almighty. The stories I make up to affirm my place in the world is the very thing keeping me from the peace I seek.
The deal with existing in this physical dimension is that we primarily relate to our experiences through tangible means. We interpret life through the identity of the body which is limited in it’s capabilities. Who AM I if I’m not Maasa the wife, the mother, the artist, the seeker, the one that marches to the beat of her own drum? What goes on when my body does not?
In the midst of my assault, I’m terrified of my attachments to the beautiful life I’ve created. The joy of living drains out of me and I’m afraid of losing everything. In a state of survival rational thought doesn’t exist. All my training goes to the wayside and I’m utterly in a mind fuckery.
Fear penetrates, colouring my perception in hues of black and grey. I tried to keep it in…tried not to let it seep out but I couldn’t. The ones closest to me became the witness of my unravelling. While I kept telling myself that It’s ok to let them see me fall apart, a louder voice yelled at me for failing. “You should have your shit together, you should know better, you should be stronger, you should be so much wiser by now!”
Then, the tide of guilt drew me into the hot mess of shame.
Who is the one shouting at me?
How can I be my own saviour being the one who designed the structure of my imprisonment?
The revelation dawned on me to seek for help elsewhere- from the Source that created me. The One who knows the magnitude of my magnificence that can help me to remember who is real. My S.O.S was heard. My appeal for help was answered.
Maybe life is the ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering. Even in a constant state of obscurity something inherent wants to be known. That calling is what keeps me going, even when I don’t think I can hear it. I think it’s the indestructible, eternal part of me. I think it’s the Created and the Creator reconciled as One.
I am resurrected in an instant of remembrance and the suffering is forgotten. Miracles operate in ways that can not be conceived by the enslaved mind. Every-time I feel love, peace and joy it is the light of my true nature that is remembered. That is why I seek it.
So why the viscous attack from the Triad of Destruction? I yearn to know myself as the perfect creation of the Creator. I want to heal what is broken by knowing that I can’t be broken.
The hallowed desire to be whole is a major threat to the survival of the false self that I have carefully constructed all of my life. So, there she is..threatening me to save me which is the biggest clue that she is not real.
A Course In Miracles says “Nothing real can be threatened.”
My revelation revealed that I can not remember the Truth alone. I can’t know my true capabilities without the help of my Maker. The belief that I can find my own way is the trap that leads me back to where I have already been.
Maybe enlightenment doesn’t have to be permanent. Maybe enlightenment is in the fleeting moment of remembrance and the ability to forgive ourselves when we forget.
P.S My contemplations have been influenced by studying A Course In Miracles. These are my own reflections. I do not assume to know what the text means.
LESSON: ASK FOR HELP.
ART IS A VISUAL GATEWAY TO TRANSMUTE THE STORIES THAT DO NOT SERVE ME.
“The purpose of our journey on this precious Earth is now to align our personalities with our souls. It is to create harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life. It is to grow spiritually. This is our new evolutionary pathway.
– GaryZukav author of “The Seat Of The Soul”
Pumping my pedals with power and exhilaration, I’m biking up the mountain through the temple of forested trees. I’m in my sanctuary doing what I love. My entire body swells with gratitude for being able to celebrate my health in such a tangible way. I’m keeping up with my best friend and husband while my heart pumps in rhythm to soul moving music. I’m imbued in the expansive field of a perfect experience.
Then it happens….
What if I’m really not ok?What if I don’t have much time?
This is how my ego hijacks my joy. It not only believes in the finite perceptions it has created, it also needs to sustain it for its survival. It says,” Nothing good lasts forever…”
I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s coming and I don’t want to know. I’m afraid because I want to keep this moment and feel threatened by how good it feels.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’d fallen into versions of the “what if?” drama. Today I catch myself and rather than pedalling through it, I ask Al to stop.
“There’s a bench right up ahead, let’s take a break there,” he says.
I used to withhold my struggles from my beloved, believing I was saving him from the weight of it. I stopped doing that because I learned that rich experience don’t always shine. Sometimes the density of life’s attack is what gives us the opportunity to grow. Sometimes we just need to wriggle in the mess before we can move forward.
Sitting down onto the worn down bench and sensing that I’m about to say something, he looks at me expectantly.
“I got the attack of the funk,” I say. He knows exactly what I mean and readies himself for what’s coming. He looks into me. We are deeply connected, cocooned in the quiet cathedral of trees. The sun rays are sparkling between the spaces in which they stand. It is majestically beautiful.
My outer senses are clashing against my inner conflict while I try to put together what I’m about to say.
“I’m angry because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here…”
“Neither do I but we are here now babe.” he says.
He holds me in his response. The grip of fear eases off by giving it a voice and a witness for it to be heard. Mortality is such an isolating feeling- it amplifies that we are separate and alone which is not true. Mortality is the illusion of the false self that identifies itself with the body. I will exist even when my body is gone. I will go on.
LESSON: I AM NOT MY BODY.
The Breath Of Creation
Come home Beloved to what is real so You may know who You are. Open the portal of your inner eye, Be reconciled with your infinite nature.
The finite realm of Your outer world, Has shrouded the ever expanding Universe within You. The world of beginnings, endings and comparisons, Is an illusion dreamt from a mind that has forgotten.
Remember my Beloved, You began in the heart of the Great Creator. You and all of Creation is an extension of That which You are made of. What, You may ask?
Your very making is inexhaustible Love. It is the breath of Creation that gives life to all that Is. In your dream You have forgotten that You were made to remember.
The deep longing You feel can not be fulfilled by external means. As long as you see Yourself separate from what You are, Peace is a fleeting gift in the matrix of Your own making.
Come my Beloved, awaken and see Yourself in the eyes of Another. You are all of the same beneath the cloak of your individuation.
Awaken and be at peace forever.
-Inspired by the teachings of A Course In Miracles. Written by Maasa
“When a brother perceives himself as sick, he is perceiving himself not as whole.”
– A Course in Miracles
The decision to be the author of my own story means that I must pay attention to who is writing the script. Is it the person who is trying to survive or is it the person choosing to live? For me, the difference is that one is making choices referring to the past and the latter is open to something new.
Close to two years ago I left the conventional medical system for the second time after my lumpectomy. The last bit of information I got was that cancer cells were found in one of my lymph nodes. I’ve solely relied on my inner barometer to gauge my wellbeing since then. I am choosing to live rather than being a survivor. This is no easy feat when my mind projects illusions and entices me to believe in them.
Discomfort is an opportunity for a course correction. Studying A Course In Miracles is teaching me that. My sole intention to share my interpretation of what I am learning is to encode it. Writing about what I’m practicing helps to create new circuits in my brain to reinforce how I want to live.
A Course In Miracles teaches us that we were created to co-create in the “image and likeness” of Source. We were given a mind to extend the love of that which we are made of. Yet we have such difficulties directing it to ourselves and unto others. That is how we became attached to the mind that creates our suffering.
In the boundless freedom to create, we created a mind that identifies only with itself- the false self. The ego mind separated from the unalterable nature of Source to serve its own identity. Its survival depends on us believing in its projections. The projections are based on comparisons because it sees itself apart from everything else. Comparisons lead to judgement, judgement leads to anger, anger leads to pain and the cycle of suffering affirms itself. This is the misperception that the ego miscreated to preserve its role as protector.
Ego refers to the past and chooses the best option for the present. It expands on what has worked for us and tries to protect us from what’s hurt us. This is how it attempts to secure a future but it’s based on the illusion that we need protection. Our ego takes the lead role in the story it writes. Until we recognize who is writing the story we can not change the script.
To heal is to correct the perception that I am broken. To heal is to be certain of who I am. To heal is to redirect my mind to love and reside in our infinite nature.
The greatest obstacle in my life became the greatest opportunity to know myself. To end the conflict with myself, I must recognize when my ego is obscuring my perception to believe in it. I’ve been practicing by paying attention to how I see others. My perception and cues from my feelings tell me if I’m offline or aligned with the divine. It takes a great amount of awareness but that is why it is a practice!
As an artist, I realize why I love to paint. It’s because I love my creations as an extension of Source. My heart informs my hands and my creation informs my mind of my true origin- there I find peace.
PS: My simple understanding of what I am learning in ACM is serving me. I have included Dr. Wapnick’s video to offer a broader view.
LESSON: AWARENESS IS KEY FOR SELF REALIZATION. PAY ATTENTION TO CUES!
“Perception is temporary. To know is to be certain. Uncertainty means that you do not know. Knowledge is power because it is certain, and certainty is strength.”
– Course In Miracles
There is a 3 inch horizontal scar below my armpit. I am relieved to see that my breast is still attractive even with the divot beneath the incision. Undergoing surgery in early Covid times granted me a quiet hospital with eager nurses to help. I was in the surgery room getting prepped within an hour upon arrival at the hospital.
I’d brought a box of chocolates from my home town with a paper crane that my daughter folded perched on top of it. My surgeon looked at me in surprise when I handed it to him. I locked into his gaze and said “Thank you for supporting my decision, I’m ready.”
I only had one request for my friends and family when they asked what they could do to help. I said, “I’ll text you when I’m about to go in for surgery. Please feel us all celebrating my life cancer free”. I had no doubt in my mind about the power of collective prayer and for once I was not shy to ask for help.
The calm from the center of me rippled out. My Beloved’s prayers were tangible as I slowly counted down from ten. I did not hesitate as I surrendered to the unconscious.
It is the strangest feeling to awaken and not know what you are awakening from. I looked down at my bandaged breast as the first wave of nausea surfaced from the deep. I searched my mind for some kind of clue, hoping there was a part of me that stayed awake to recount what had happened. What now?
I never saw that surgeon again. I did however receive a phone call from him a few days later. He told me that he got clear margins and had to take out two lymph nodes instead of the agreed upon one. He said that the enlarged node could not be accessed without taking out the other. “We tested them both…the extra one we took has cancer cells in it but the enlarged one doesn’t” he said.
I’d reached another turning point. The road had forked and had clearly shown me two paths. One led to a whole bunch of screening, testing and invasive treatments and the other led to where I don’t do any of that and continue to trust my own information. I chose the latter… again. Focusing on external solutions were not the answer for me. I sought for a revelation that could only be realized from the inside.
That was almost two years ago. I continue to be challenged by my own perceptions which are triggered by fear. I am still a student of life and my body is the learning tool in which to master my way of being. At this point I am certain that mind creates reality. When my body produces symptoms it is always the result of questioning what is true. That is why perception is always based on the temporary.
When I am aligned with truth nothing real in me can be threatened. When I succumb to fear the walls go up and I become a prisoner of my own making. I have become my own lab rat testing the field of consciousness. This body of mine is a temporary vessel in which to learn of the everlasting nature of my soul.
Covid had paralyzed the world by the time I decided to carve a piece of me out. I rewired my mindset which was hard set against any kind of medical intervention up until then. I was able to do so by giving value to everything I did up until that point. No, I wasn’t able to dissolve my tumour but I’d found the exact cause of my cancer and became a more authentic version of myself along the way.
Did I have to starve myself on grapes for 33 days, do the hard core Cold Sheet Treatment, undergo garlic enemas, endure Vipassana, write forgiveness letters, eat raw food, drink wheatgrass, pummel handfuls of herbs and supplements, take cold showers, wrap myself in castor oil, surrender my business and revisit every trauma I’ve had in my life only to cut out the problem after 7 months? Absolutely!
Even amidst the greatest challenge of my life, my new way of living lights up my soul. From that light I navigated my way. Healing came from the journey itself and it wasn’t just about Lump. I was no longer the same person I was before, it was evident in how I perceived life. Cancer sparked my spirit and revealed the sacredness of life. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it as long as I’m being true to myself. I paid attention to cues that came from a greater knowing and that’s how I chose to heal.
Hospitals had emptied in preparation for the pandemic to hit full throttle. Normal living became restricted and the “New Normal” became the norm. Faces disappeared behind masks, schools and businesses were shut down, and we were told to distance ourselves from everybody to stay “safe”. “Safety” became the slogan for every new rule and restriction.
I kept the virus from Wuhan on the outskirts of my periphery. My experience taught me that the thoughts that fill my head shapes my reality. It was imperative to keep my mindspace in a state that supported my wellbeing. The world went topsy turvy, so did my plan for surgery. I heard no word from the surgeons office so, I took it as a sign that it was not yet time to part ways with Lump.
I directed my focus to study German New Medicine. I marvelled, learning about the genius mechanism which makes up our biological system. Understanding that the body is always healing even when symptoms feel quite the opposite, reinforced trust in my body. My job was to assist it with this new understanding- to make sure I didn’t get hung up on the storyline that caused my body to do what it did. It was empowering to not be afraid of my tumour.
On April 20, 2020, In a particularly deep meditation I lovingly cut ties with my lump. It was a conscious uncoupling after an intense relationship which revealed aspects of myself that I now cherish. My heart was so vastly open- abundant with gratitude for the gifts that I’d received. I felt such a deep sense of peace in claiming this goodbye. I asked for a clear sign that my proclamation was heard by Supreme Intelligence.
I hadn’t received one call in regards to my surgery in 6 weeks. Sensing that my meditation was over I slowly opened my eyes- in that exact moment my phone rang. It was the surgeons office informing me that my surgery would be on April 27th. Stunned by the instant confirmation I wept in gratitude.
I heard explicit instructions to do up my jacket and tighten my helmet just before the awful crunching sound. Simultaneously, I shot into the sky like a cannon ball and then I was suspended in space. There was an extended pause granted to me to receive my next instruction “Tuck your chin in and roll.” I obeyed, hit the pavement and expertly rolled until coming to a stop on the other side of the highway.
A woman was screaming from where I could not tell. The impact left me somewhere between my body and my bike. I had a clear sense of myself outside the constraints of my physical form. If I’m not in my body, what AM I? Then again the voice, “Get off the highwaynow“.
I felt a sense of urgency as I inhabited my body and willed it to move. It was a busy time of day and at any moment a car could come speeding around the corner. I dragged myself to the side of the road and collapsed in a heap. The crash happened right in front of my parents’ house which was perched next to the highway. My mom was next to me instantly and screaming hysterically.
What happened?... Where did that voice come from?
A man shouted, “Someone call an ambulance!” I rolled my head toward the voice and saw the back wheel of my motorbike wedged beneath the hood of a car and my seat torqued up vertically. That’s how I was catapulted into spontaneous flight and that’s how I communed with Source.
I never did find out what kind of structural damage resulted from that accident. I refused the ambulance ride and sought solace in my little cabin by the lake instead. Instinctively I knew that I would manage the damage thanks to the mystery voice coaching me through that epic crash landing.
I’ve had many logically unexplainable events that have cemented my faith in God, the Divine, Universal Intelligence, Energy, Spirit, Source whatever you may want to call it. Those experiences literally blew my limited mind into the vast expanse that created it. Knowing that I’m connected to something sacred and omnipotent nudges me to move with life rather than against it.
There is a life force- I’ve seen it with my own eyes high as a kite on LSD. I even have a witness who saw it with me! We were looking at a tree awestruck by the brilliance of multitudes of colors travelling from the earth and through the tree, beyond its framework and scattering into infinite space. This flow was ever abundant, replenishing, circulating, interacting and responding to everything- responding to us witnessing it.
There must be a cause behind that flow… How does a blade of grass that can easily be ripped out of the earth break through concrete? What gives it its gusto to fulfill its’ complete expression no matter what it’s pressing up against? There must be something supremely powerful that’s supporting its becoming. Like the blade of grass we too must have that support to bust through the hard stuff. Maybe we just need to trust that its there to activate it.
I don’t think we can deny that there was definitely a beginning to existence. There had to be an almighty cause fused with creative genius to make manifest everything. If something is created, wouldn’t there be intelligence with an imagination to form it into being? What if we are all wired to commune with this intelligence because we are the byproduct of that same creation process?…
Maybe the common denominator for everything is like a radio frequency. When we are tuned into it we can live beyond the limitations of the mind. We can express closer to our true nature which broadens our playing field exponentially. But, it’s important to know that it is a co-creation process because we can’t do it alone.
These are the kind of thoughts I’ve been having as of late. Like where did the unwavering ability to accept cancer as a quest of self development come from? How did I know I was going to be ok? That’s the glory and anomaly of having faith. It gives you the superpower to trust what the mind can not and that’s where I think help comes from. Mind tries to make sense of everything but what happens when it can’t? I think it short circuits and creates static in our radio frequency. The noise takes over and we feel lost until we find ways to dial ourselves back in. I think getting cancer was just like being catapulted into the sky. My mind didn’t know what hit it and got knocked aside while the master system took over the reins.
Quantum physics explains the manifest world as various frequencies of energy. Quarks are the smallest particles of matter and even the space between them is made of energy. What they discovered is that how we think, feel and believe has a direct effect on how energy behaves.
Since energy can’t be destroyed what ignited all of creation is still in effect. It’s always moving, changing and creating. It’s constantly flowing through us and responding to how we are being- just like what I witnessed with the tree. When we pay attention to it we commune with it. That relationship shapes the life we are living. One way to steward the co-creation is with prayer.
The bike accident left me with chronic back pain which distanced the”voice” that spared my life. My back went out regularly, causing lengthy bouts of excruciating pain. During one of the worst episodes, Da handed me the book “Sermon On the Mount” by Emmet Fox and said, ” You’ve tried everything else, start praying.” Fox wrote, “The great law of the universe is just this- that what you think in your mind you will produce in your experience.” The book decoded Christ’s message in a way that dissolved my resistance and judgement towards Christianity. It humbled me into prayer. I spoke the Lord’s Prayer with reverence while contemplating the true meaning of each of the 7 clauses.
This is Fox’s explanation of the Lord’s Prayer:“The Great Prayer is a compact formula for the development of the soul. It is designed with the utmost care for the specific purpose; so that those who use it regularly, with understanding, will experience a real change of soul.“ Every word of every line was chosen with the purest of intentions to dial us in. The prayer is all encompassing and covers everything. I spoke the words as true. I focused on prayer for 2 days and the pain vanished for good.
LESSON: “SPACE IS NOT EMPTY, IT IS FULL…THE UNIVERSE IS NOT SEPARATE FROM THE COSMIC SEA OF ENERGY”-DAVID BOHM
Ductal Carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast. I put on my detective hat and worked backwards from my KNOW to my WHY with help from a GNM practitioner.
GNM’s process of ascertaining the conflict that initiates a particular program is based on biological science and relies heavily on Embryology. A persons handedness (if you are innately right-handed or left-handed) is determined the moment the first cell divides after conception. Dr. Hamer discovered that the brain to organ relay corresponds to the 3 germ layers of which all organs and tissues originate from. Organs of the same germ layer are controlled by the same part of the brain which determines the symptoms.
A person’s handedness and the affected tissue/organ gives us clues to discover what conflict program is running. By understanding the program, we are able to gauge where the body is at in the healing process. For myself, it was vitally important to pinpoint the exact trauma that caused my cells to proliferate and consciously assist my body back to homeostasis.
The right and left side of body correlates to Mother/Child and Partner related conflicts depending on your handedness. A “partner” refers to anybody else except your mother or child. What peaked my interest is how the subconscious relates to the conflict is of importance for the detective work. For example, if a partner initiates a “Separation Conflict”, the individual’s subconscious could trigger the mother side if it relates the incident in association with his or her mother. GNM is a not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with your inner workings.
The Principle of Laterality is one of the 5 Biological Laws that German New Medicine is based upon. A right handed person like myself, responds to a partner conflict on the right side of the body and to a mother/child conflict with the left side of the body. The left handed person would experience the opposite. This rule applies to all organs that are controlled by the cerebellum, cerebral medulla, and cerebral cortex (with some exceptions that I won’t get into in this post.) Laterality does not apply to oragans/tissues that operate from the brainstem.
Here’s what I discovered: Ductal Carcinoma is a “Separation Conflict” program. It is experienced as a loved one torn from the breast through an unexpected ending of a relationship. This program also correlates to wantingto separate due to a sudden conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, ect. Since my tumour was on my right side and I’m right handed, my first clue was that it had nothing to do with my mother or daughter.
The moment I experienced this conflict concentric circles appeared as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because the right breast is controlled by the left side. In my case there was a cross over correlation from the brain to the organ.
” I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your breast. This person did something that shocked you.” said the GNM consultant.
I’d spent 7 months cleaning our my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with but none fit the bill. I went through my memory catalogue unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so that my breath caught, my heart stilled and the blood drained from my face. “Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it.” she said.
How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with everything else except for the ONE! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away for the sake of my safety.
“Looking at the size of your tumour, I’d guess this conflict lasted for about 3 months?” she said. Stunned, I nodded my head.
As I write this I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I know this because I had the ability to pick up the worm and hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk. I saw a creature made of the earth with it own story and place in the world. I was able to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.
Everything in me told me not to hire her. My gut twisted in knots and stories about her from past employers gave me the heebie jeebies. My spa was in full swing and I desperately needed another Esthetician. I was already working around the clock running the business as well as a maintaining a full clientele base as a practitioner. When she applied for the job my aversion to her from working with her from another spa surfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited her in- deciding to take the high road.
I used my uncertainly as fuel to overcome my judgement towards her. After all, she never did anything to me directly… I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was growing as a business owner, I had the opportunity to grow as a person as well.
My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great skills and clients were happy with her service so I held fast to that. I allowed my mothering instincts to take over and as a result she opened up to me as I did to her. I thought that I did the right thing…It’s only in looking back from where I’m now that I know for certain that I did the right thing because it was the catalyst for my evolution.
After a couple months of employment she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late November I ended up in emergency feeling like my guts were being ripped out from the inside.
Knowing GNM now, what I had was an “indigestible morsel conflict” – a situation I just couldn’t swallow which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate. I just didn’t know how to deal with her unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck in a rock and hard place doing my best to accommodate 9 staff members in the midst of my turmoil.
My core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was my priority to treat them well in a business where typically staff came and went. She was the new addition and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.
She approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee disclosed information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position. What she supposedly shared was against our code of ethics.
The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any of my employees would do such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event that ultimately came to my undoing. What I discovered was that this woman who I took in against my better judgement had fabricated a whole story- with fake texts and emails to try and get my long term staff member fired.
Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole process was such a mind f@$k because I chose to trust my intuition and not the evidence to dig for truth. To my horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like it’s coming from someone when it’s not. The evidence that this girl showed me to frame my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents to support it, she was the one who was trying to jump ship.
As I put the pieces together I felt sick to my stomach… expensive items had mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to think that an employee would steal from me. I can never prove it but my gut knew… I felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my instinct. Upon her immediate termination I received official looking emails from her lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability to make fraudulent documents to serve her cause but I had no way to know if they were for real or not.
Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to open my inbox. My heart raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court?What if she shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of what GNM calls Conflict Active Phase. The emails went on…the conflict continued…
Why? Why would she do this? It took about 3 months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.
In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me?Maybe the hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way… if that’s the case doesn’t she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her deep in my subconscious because when she resurfaced I could not for the life of me remember her name.
During those 3 months of Conflict Active phase, I lost cells in my milk ducts in proportion to the duration and intensity of wanting to separate from her. The biological purpose of milk ducts losing cells is a primitive survival response to widen the ducts. There was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical milk. It opened up the passage for milk to drain out so that the area would not get congested and cause infection.
Once the conflict was resolved, my healing phase began by making new cells in the area where there was tissue loss to make the area stronger. This cell proliferation is diagnosedas Ductal Carcinoma- as “abnormal cell activity”. The growing of these particular cells act differently as normal cells so the body can recognize it healing and assist it’s process.
The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumour only grew by 2mm in 6 months was because my cells proliferated to the degree of my conflict and it was done growing. It was done because my conflict was not reactivated. Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to my why. I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered Lump.