Transcendence Of SMR

Why is it that we refer to people in the past tense when the body completes its function? If she becomes a “was” instead of an “is” that means she doesn’t exist. She is no longer expressed through the body that we recognize but it doesn’t mean she went out like a candle flame.

I’m sitting where I can see her face clearly. The veil between the seen world and unseen mystery is tangible. Within the sacred circle of her Beloveds there’s a deep stirring of the ways of the old, like we’ve done this before from a time we don’t remember. We know exactly how to be- perfect in our individual response of letting her go yet united in love. We are at the pinnacle of presence blessing her holy departure.

She’s lying in the centre on a bed of a thousand pedals staring into the eyes of her children. My heart cracks wide open to feel the nuance of all that I’m feeling. I don’t want to pull away from this… I won’t falter to my attachments and crumble. I will all of me to be present with her. I stay anchored to my faith that we go on when our body does not.

I am an open vessel funnelling this profound moment. Ancient circuits are going on line because I know this ceremony. This is how it is suppose to be… Our hallowed anthem of whispers, cries, songs and prayers will carry her onwards and always.

During my time as a doula I welcomed many births. How does such a small being survive the arduous journey to the outside world? How can it be crushed, pushed and pulled without being utterly damaged? I’ve heard that the pineal gland releases huge amounts of DMT also known as the “Spirit Molecule” during birth and death. The tryptamine induces an intense altered state similar to what one would experience at a peak of a psychedelic experience. Perhaps that is why we hear of near-death stories where survivors have profound spiritual experiences and encounters with other worldly beings.

I need to believe that the many Ayahuasca ceremonies Scarlet did prepared her for this ultimate trip.

Scarlet Mary Rose came into my life like an explosion of confetti. We met over 2 decades ago in a college music program. Before Scarlet, I’d never met a woman who could unabashedly, unapologetically, and genuinely express herself. I didn’t know what to make of her except that she was deeply intriguing. She invoked, inspired and provoked parts of me that I didn’t know existed.

Burlesque sounded like something that came out of Timbuktu. I had no idea what it was until Scarlet glorified the art through her fantastical imagination. She captivated me with her vision to empower women and liberate sexuality through creativity- music, dance, twirling titties and gyrating asses-it’s a freedom movement of unbound self expression. She said her nipples would be covered in fancy tape and her vagina always just out of sight. My mind was blown.

Within a year after my diagnosis she got the exact same news. I thought I was solid, I thought I had my fear at bay but she was really afraid and it triggered me big time. I supported her through what I’d learned, I did my best to inspire her to dig deep, but there were days when we were both mentally mangled by our prognosis.

People can love and support you the best that they know how. But unless they are in the trenches with you, there’s no way to grasp the extent of mind fuckery mortality plays on you when it’s knocking at your door. We leaned on each other and respectively gave each other space. We made a pact to be honest with where we are at.

I’ll never forget the day I met her at the hospital after her chemo. She was convinced that the treatments would kill her, that her body couldn’t take the chemical assault. I held onto her like I held onto my own life. “There’s got to be another way”, I said.

Scarlet did find her own way. I witnessed her transcending fear and step into grace. She looked into me as her soul spoke out that she was ready. I instantly let go of my own agenda, my own need for her to keep going… for her not to give up. She wasn’t giving up, she was letting go.

Al and I drove 2 hours to this beautiful, remote, retreat centre to send her off. It’s important for us to be here for Scarlet but for us as well. We don’t talk about my health as long my cues are affirming that all is well. But, the “what if” is still in the periphery and now we are facing it with Scarlet. Somehow we know that there will be healing by being close to what we don’t want to think about.

“See the wood this ceiling is made out of? ” Scarlet says. “I bet my grandpa milled it because it’s the kind of wood only he milled at the time. My ancestors are here.” I am savouring every word she says. I’m collecting every opportunity to take her in before she goes. I tell her I love her. She holds me and whispers “when it’s time just let go”.

Scarlet is holding court before her departure. She is singing a duet with a Beloved on the piano and it’s the performance of her life. I’m sure her voice is opening the portal to the place where she is going. The last line of the song is “let me die” and we all crack open some more.

I’m keeping a firm eye on her. What if she changes her mind? What do I do if she does? Scarlet’s reliving the highlights of her burlesque career. She’s bringing in her Beloveds who couldn’t be there in person through her stories. There’s tales of glitter bombs, big balls and her cowgirl burlesque act as Rosy Rawhide. We are laughing, singing, crying and celebrating. All the while she is leading the way- there’s no apprehension, no fall back, she is set on her trajectory and ready for takeoff.

“I’m gonna smoke this joint and then we’re gonna go” she claimed. This is it… and we all know it. We walk in a sacred procession to the place where her body will be left behind.

My mind is trying to keep up with the magnitude of what is actually happening. I am straining my eyes to see beyond the wet curtain of tears. I will not miss the holy instant of her spiritual metamorphosis. I feel her leave.

We are taking turns revering her brilliance. It feels like we are suspended in space existing between here and where-ever she is. The men leave and several sisters stay to wash her voluptuous, porcelain body. I am singing as I wash her breast with the scar from her surgery. It is deeply healing for me to be so intimate with her scar that’s akin to mine. I am at peace entranced by her beauty- She’s a renaissance woman blazing the path to always.

Revelation

A revelation occurs in a miraculous instant when the constructs of the ego falters. What’s left standing is who I really am. I was given the gift of this experience after a tumultuous week of rumbling with chaos. It occurred when I traded in all of my tools for the mighty One. It occurred when I finally had the sense to ask for help.

I used to think that God hands out the hard lessons to be learned- as if I need to pass certain levels to ascend to my higher Self. But I’m beginning to recognize the similar traits of every avenue that leads to suffering. The common denominator being fear, guilt and shame- the Trio Of Destruction that often works in that consecutive order.

When I’m able to catch the whiff of that familiar pattern of attack, I notice various versions of the same story crafted from my past. They all operate under the law of limitations, devaluations, and evaluations based on external validations. All tools used by the ego to create a perception of the world that keeps me from knowing my true greatness.

My ego is the ghost writer of a convincing story who sneakily put God’s name on the cover. The light is gone only because I believe what’s written in the script -it is not a test from the Almighty. The stories I make up to affirm my place in the world is the very thing keeping me from the peace I seek.

The deal with existing in this physical dimension is that we primarily relate to our experiences through tangible means. We interpret life through the identity of the body which is limited in it’s capabilities. Who AM I if I’m not Maasa the wife, the mother, the artist, the seeker, the one that marches to the beat of her own drum? What goes on when my body does not?

In the midst of my assault, I’m terrified of my attachments to the beautiful life I’ve created. The joy of living drains out of me and I’m afraid of losing everything. In a state of survival rational thought doesn’t exist. All my training goes to the wayside and I’m utterly in a mind fuckery.

Fear penetrates, colouring my perception in hues of black and grey. I tried to keep it in…tried not to let it seep out but I couldn’t. The ones closest to me became the witness of my unravelling. While I kept telling myself that It’s ok to let them see me fall apart, a louder voice yelled at me for failing. “You should have your shit together, you should know better, you should be stronger, you should be so much wiser by now!”

Then, the tide of guilt drew me into the hot mess of shame.

Who is the one shouting at me?

How can I be my own saviour being the one who designed the structure of my imprisonment?

The revelation dawned on me to seek for help elsewhere- from the Source that created me. The One who knows the magnitude of my magnificence that can help me to remember who is real. My S.O.S was heard. My appeal for help was answered.

Maybe life is the ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering. Even in a constant state of obscurity something inherent wants to be known. That calling is what keeps me going, even when I don’t think I can hear it. I think it’s the indestructible, eternal part of me. I think it’s the Created and the Creator reconciled as One.

I am resurrected in an instant of remembrance and the suffering is forgotten. Miracles operate in ways that can not be conceived by the enslaved mind. Every-time I feel love, peace and joy it is the light of my true nature that is remembered. That is why I seek it.

So why the viscous attack from the Triad of Destruction? I yearn to know myself as the perfect creation of the Creator. I want to heal what is broken by knowing that I can’t be broken.

The hallowed desire to be whole is a major threat to the survival of the false self that I have carefully constructed all of my life. So, there she is..threatening me to save me which is the biggest clue that she is not real.

A Course In Miracles says “Nothing real can be threatened.”

My revelation revealed that I can not remember the Truth alone. I can’t know my true capabilities without the help of my Maker. The belief that I can find my own way is the trap that leads me back to where I have already been.

Maybe enlightenment doesn’t have to be permanent. Maybe enlightenment is in the fleeting moment of remembrance and the ability to forgive ourselves when we forget.

P.S My contemplations have been influenced by studying A Course In Miracles. These are my own reflections. I do not assume to know what the text means.

LESSON: ASK FOR HELP.

ART IS A VISUAL GATEWAY TO TRANSMUTE THE STORIES THAT DO NOT SERVE ME.

I WILL GO ON

“The purpose of our journey on this precious Earth is now to align our personalities with our souls. It is to create harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life.
It is to grow spiritually. This is our new evolutionary pathway.

– GaryZukav author of “The Seat Of The Soul”

Pumping my pedals with power and exhilaration, I’m biking up the mountain through the temple of forested trees. I’m in my sanctuary doing what I love. My entire body swells with gratitude for being able to celebrate my health in such a tangible way. I’m keeping up with my best friend and husband while my heart pumps in rhythm to soul moving music. I’m imbued in the expansive field of a perfect experience.

Then it happens….

What if I’m really not ok? What if I don’t have much time?

This is how my ego hijacks my joy. It not only believes in the finite perceptions it has created, it also needs to sustain it for its survival. It says,” Nothing good lasts forever…”

I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s coming and I don’t want to know. I’m afraid because I want to keep this moment and feel threatened by how good it feels.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’d fallen into versions of the “what if?” drama. Today I catch myself and rather than pedalling through it, I ask Al to stop.

“There’s a bench right up ahead, let’s take a break there,” he says.

I used to withhold my struggles from my beloved, believing I was saving him from the weight of it. I stopped doing that because I learned that rich experience don’t always shine. Sometimes the density of life’s attack is what gives us the opportunity to grow. Sometimes we just need to wriggle in the mess before we can move forward.

Sitting down onto the worn down bench and sensing that I’m about to say something, he looks at me expectantly.

“I got the attack of the funk,” I say. He knows exactly what I mean and readies himself for what’s coming. He looks into me. We are deeply connected, cocooned in the quiet cathedral of trees. The sun rays are sparkling between the spaces in which they stand. It is majestically beautiful.

My outer senses are clashing against my inner conflict while I try to put together what I’m about to say.

“I’m angry because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here…”

“Neither do I but we are here now babe.” he says.

He holds me in his response. The grip of fear eases off by giving it a voice and a witness for it to be heard. Mortality is such an isolating feeling- it amplifies that we are separate and alone which is not true. Mortality is the illusion of the false self that identifies itself with the body. I will exist even when my body is gone. I will go on.

LESSON: I AM NOT MY BODY.

“Breath of Creation”- Acrylic on canvas by Maasa. http://www.maasa.ca

The Breath Of Creation

Come home Beloved to what is real so
You may know who You are.
Open the portal of your inner eye,
Be reconciled with your infinite nature.

The finite realm of Your outer world,
Has shrouded the ever expanding Universe within You.
The world of beginnings, endings and comparisons,
Is an illusion dreamt from a mind that has forgotten.

Remember my Beloved,
You began in the heart of the Great Creator.
You and all of Creation is an extension of
That which You are made of.
What, You may ask?

Your very making is inexhaustible Love.
It is the breath of Creation that gives life to all that Is.
In your dream You have forgotten that
You were made to remember.

The deep longing You feel can not be fulfilled by external means.
As long as you see Yourself separate from what You are,
Peace is a fleeting gift in the matrix of Your own making.

Come my Beloved, awaken and see
Yourself in the eyes of Another.
You are all of the same beneath the cloak of your individuation.

Awaken and be at peace forever. 

-Inspired by the teachings of A Course In Miracles. Written by Maasa

WHO IS THE FALSE SELF?

“When a brother perceives himself as sick, he is perceiving himself not as whole.”

– A Course in Miracles

The decision to be the author of my own story means that I must pay attention to who is writing the script. Is it the person who is trying to survive or is it the person choosing to live? For me, the difference is that one is making choices referring to the past and the latter is open to something new.

Close to two years ago I left the conventional medical system for the second time after my lumpectomy. The last bit of information I got was that cancer cells were found in one of my lymph nodes. I’ve solely relied on my inner barometer to gauge my wellbeing since then. I am choosing to live rather than being a survivor. This is no easy feat when my mind projects illusions and entices me to believe in them.

Discomfort is an opportunity for a course correction. Studying A Course In Miracles is teaching me that. My sole intention to share my interpretation of what I am learning is to encode it. Writing about what I’m practicing helps to create new circuits in my brain to reinforce how I want to live.

A Course In Miracles teaches us that we were created to co-create in the “image and likeness” of Source. We were given a mind to extend the love of that which we are made of. Yet we have such difficulties directing it to ourselves and unto others. That is how we became attached to the mind that creates our suffering.

In the boundless freedom to create, we created a mind that identifies only with itself- the false self. The ego mind separated from the unalterable nature of Source to serve its own identity. Its survival depends on us believing in its projections. The projections are based on comparisons because it sees itself apart from everything else. Comparisons lead to judgement, judgement leads to anger, anger leads to pain and the cycle of suffering affirms itself. This is the misperception that the ego miscreated to preserve its role as protector.

Ego refers to the past and chooses the best option for the present. It expands on what has worked for us and tries to protect us from what’s hurt us. This is how it attempts to secure a future but it’s based on the illusion that we need protection. Our ego takes the lead role in the story it writes. Until we recognize who is writing the story we can not change the script.

To heal is to correct the perception that I am broken. To heal is to be certain of who I am. To heal is to redirect my mind to love and reside in our infinite nature.

The greatest obstacle in my life became the greatest opportunity to know myself. To end the conflict with myself, I must recognize when my ego is obscuring my perception to believe in it. I’ve been practicing by paying attention to how I see others. My perception and cues from my feelings tell me if I’m offline or aligned with the divine. It takes a great amount of awareness but that is why it is a practice!

As an artist, I realize why I love to paint. It’s because I love my creations as an extension of Source. My heart informs my hands and my creation informs my mind of my true origin- there I find peace.

PS: My simple understanding of what I am learning in ACM is serving me. I have included Dr. Wapnick’s video to offer a broader view.

LESSON: AWARENESS IS KEY FOR SELF REALIZATION. PAY ATTENTION TO CUES!

“Creatrix” painting by Maasa- More info on http://www.maasa.ca

GOODBYE LUMP

“Perception is temporary. To know is to be certain. Uncertainty means that you do not know. Knowledge is power because it is certain, and certainty is strength.”

– Course In Miracles

There is a 3 inch horizontal scar below my armpit. I am relieved to see that my breast is still attractive even with the divot beneath the incision. Undergoing surgery in early Covid times granted me a quiet hospital with eager nurses to help. I was in the surgery room getting prepped within an hour upon arrival at the hospital.

I’d brought a box of chocolates from my home town with a paper crane that my daughter folded perched on top of it. My surgeon looked at me in surprise when I handed it to him. I locked into his gaze and said “Thank you for supporting my decision, I’m ready.”

I only had one request for my friends and family when they asked what they could do to help. I said, “I’ll text you when I’m about to go in for surgery. Please feel us all celebrating my life cancer free”. I had no doubt in my mind about the power of collective prayer and for once I was not shy to ask for help.

The calm from the center of me rippled out. My Beloved’s prayers were tangible as I slowly counted down from ten. I did not hesitate as I surrendered to the unconscious.

It is the strangest feeling to awaken and not know what you are awakening from. I looked down at my bandaged breast as the first wave of nausea surfaced from the deep. I searched my mind for some kind of clue, hoping there was a part of me that stayed awake to recount what had happened. What now?

I never saw that surgeon again. I did however receive a phone call from him a few days later. He told me that he got clear margins and had to take out two lymph nodes instead of the agreed upon one. He said that the enlarged node could not be accessed without taking out the other. “We tested them both…the extra one we took has cancer cells in it but the enlarged one doesn’t” he said.

I’d reached another turning point. The road had forked and had clearly shown me two paths. One led to a whole bunch of screening, testing and invasive treatments and the other led to where I don’t do any of that and continue to trust my own information. I chose the latter… again. Focusing on external solutions were not the answer for me. I sought for a revelation that could only be realized from the inside.

That was almost two years ago. I continue to be challenged by my own perceptions which are triggered by fear. I am still a student of life and my body is the learning tool in which to master my way of being. At this point I am certain that mind creates reality. When my body produces symptoms it is always the result of questioning what is true. That is why perception is always based on the temporary.

When I am aligned with truth nothing real in me can be threatened. When I succumb to fear the walls go up and I become a prisoner of my own making. I have become my own lab rat testing the field of consciousness. This body of mine is a temporary vessel in which to learn of the everlasting nature of my soul.

LESSON: NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED

Above art by Maasa @ http://www.maasa.ca

The Break up

Covid had paralyzed the world by the time I decided to carve a piece of me out. I rewired my mindset which was hard set against any kind of medical intervention up until then. I was able to do so by giving value to everything I did up until that point. No, I wasn’t able to dissolve my tumour but I’d found the exact cause of my cancer and became a more authentic version of myself along the way.

Did I have to starve myself on grapes for 33 days, do the hard core Cold Sheet Treatment, undergo garlic enemas, endure Vipassana, write forgiveness letters, eat raw food, drink wheatgrass, pummel handfuls of herbs and supplements, take cold showers, wrap myself in castor oil, surrender my business and revisit every trauma I’ve had in my life only to cut out the problem after 7 months? Absolutely!

Even amidst the greatest challenge of my life, my new way of living lights up my soul. From that light I navigated my way. Healing came from the journey itself and it wasn’t just about Lump. I was no longer the same person I was before, it was evident in how I perceived life. Cancer sparked my spirit and revealed the sacredness of life. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it as long as I’m being true to myself. I paid attention to cues that came from a greater knowing and that’s how I chose to heal.

Hospitals had emptied in preparation for the pandemic to hit full throttle. Normal living became restricted and the “New Normal” became the norm. Faces disappeared behind masks, schools and businesses were shut down, and we were told to distance ourselves from everybody to stay “safe”. “Safety” became the slogan for every new rule and restriction.

I kept the virus from Wuhan on the outskirts of my periphery. My experience taught me that the thoughts that fill my head shapes my reality. It was imperative to keep my mindspace in a state that supported my wellbeing. The world went topsy turvy, so did my plan for surgery. I heard no word from the surgeons office so, I took it as a sign that it was not yet time to part ways with Lump.

I directed my focus to study German New Medicine. I marvelled, learning about the genius mechanism which makes up our biological system. Understanding that the body is always healing even when symptoms feel quite the opposite, reinforced trust in my body. My job was to assist it with this new understanding- to make sure I didn’t get hung up on the storyline that caused my body to do what it did. It was empowering to not be afraid of my tumour.

On April 20, 2020, In a particularly deep meditation I lovingly cut ties with my lump. It was a conscious uncoupling after an intense relationship which revealed aspects of myself that I now cherish. My heart was so vastly open- abundant with gratitude for the gifts that I’d received. I felt such a deep sense of peace in claiming this goodbye. I asked for a clear sign that my proclamation was heard by Supreme Intelligence.

I hadn’t received one call in regards to my surgery in 6 weeks. Sensing that my meditation was over I slowly opened my eyes- in that exact moment my phone rang. It was the surgeons office informing me that my surgery would be on April 27th. Stunned by the instant confirmation I wept in gratitude.

LESSON: THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS

COMMUNING WITH SOURCE

I heard explicit instructions to do up my jacket and tighten my helmet just before the awful crunching sound. Simultaneously, I shot into the sky like a cannon ball and then I was suspended in space. There was an extended pause granted to me to receive my next instruction “Tuck your chin in and roll.” I obeyed, hit the pavement and expertly rolled until coming to a stop on the other side of the highway.

A woman was screaming from where I could not tell. The impact left me somewhere between my body and my bike. I had a clear sense of myself outside the constraints of my physical form. If I’m not in my body, what AM I? Then again the voice, “Get off the highway now“.

I felt a sense of urgency as I inhabited my body and willed it to move. It was a busy time of day and at any moment a car could come speeding around the corner. I dragged myself to the side of the road and collapsed in a heap. The crash happened right in front of my parents’ house which was perched next to the highway. My mom was next to me instantly and screaming hysterically.

What happened?... Where did that voice come from?

A man shouted, “Someone call an ambulance!” I rolled my head toward the voice and saw the back wheel of my motorbike wedged beneath the hood of a car and my seat torqued up vertically. That’s how I was catapulted into spontaneous flight and that’s how I communed with Source.

I never did find out what kind of structural damage resulted from that accident. I refused the ambulance ride and sought solace in my little cabin by the lake instead. Instinctively I knew that I would manage the damage thanks to the mystery voice coaching me through that epic crash landing.

I’ve had many logically unexplainable events that have cemented my faith in God, the Divine, Universal Intelligence, Energy, Spirit, Source whatever you may want to call it. Those experiences literally blew my limited mind into the vast expanse that created it. Knowing that I’m connected to something sacred and omnipotent nudges me to move with life rather than against it.

There is a life force- I’ve seen it with my own eyes high as a kite on LSD. I even have a witness who saw it with me! We were looking at a tree awestruck by the brilliance of multitudes of colors travelling from the earth and through the tree, beyond its framework and scattering into infinite space. This flow was ever abundant, replenishing, circulating, interacting and responding to everything- responding to us witnessing it.

There must be a cause behind that flow… How does a blade of grass that can easily be ripped out of the earth break through concrete? What gives it its gusto to fulfill its’ complete expression no matter what it’s pressing up against? There must be something supremely powerful that’s supporting its becoming. Like the blade of grass we too must have that support to bust through the hard stuff. Maybe we just need to trust that its there to activate it.

I don’t think we can deny that there was definitely a beginning to existence. There had to be an almighty cause fused with creative genius to make manifest everything. If something is created, wouldn’t there be intelligence with an imagination to form it into being? What if we are all wired to commune with this intelligence because we are the byproduct of that same creation process?…

Maybe the common denominator for everything is like a radio frequency. When we are tuned into it we can live beyond the limitations of the mind. We can express closer to our true nature which broadens our playing field exponentially. But, it’s important to know that it is a co-creation process because we can’t do it alone.

These are the kind of thoughts I’ve been having as of late. Like where did the unwavering ability to accept cancer as a quest of self development come from? How did I know I was going to be ok? That’s the glory and anomaly of having faith. It gives you the superpower to trust what the mind can not and that’s where I think help comes from. Mind tries to make sense of everything but what happens when it can’t? I think it short circuits and creates static in our radio frequency. The noise takes over and we feel lost until we find ways to dial ourselves back in. I think getting cancer was just like being catapulted into the sky. My mind didn’t know what hit it and got knocked aside while the master system took over the reins.

Quantum physics explains the manifest world as various frequencies of energy. Quarks are the smallest particles of matter and even the space between them is made of energy. What they discovered is that how we think, feel and believe has a direct effect on how energy behaves.

Since energy can’t be destroyed what ignited all of creation is still in effect. It’s always moving, changing and creating. It’s constantly flowing through us and responding to how we are being- just like what I witnessed with the tree. When we pay attention to it we commune with it. That relationship shapes the life we are living. One way to steward the co-creation is with prayer.

The bike accident left me with chronic back pain which distanced the”voice” that spared my life. My back went out regularly, causing lengthy bouts of excruciating pain. During one of the worst episodes, Da handed me the book “Sermon On the Mount” by Emmet Fox and said, ” You’ve tried everything else, start praying.” Fox wrote, “The great law of the universe is just this- that what you think in your mind you will produce in your experience.” The book decoded Christ’s message in a way that dissolved my resistance and judgement towards Christianity. It humbled me into prayer. I spoke the Lord’s Prayer with reverence while contemplating the true meaning of each of the 7 clauses.

This is Fox’s explanation of the Lord’s Prayer: “The Great Prayer is a compact formula for the development of the soul. It is designed with the utmost care for the specific purpose; so that those who use it regularly, with understanding, will experience a real change of soul. Every word of every line was chosen with the purest of intentions to dial us in. The prayer is all encompassing and covers everything. I spoke the words as true. I focused on prayer for 2 days and the pain vanished for good.

LESSON: “SPACE IS NOT EMPTY, IT IS FULL…THE UNIVERSE IS NOT SEPARATE FROM THE COSMIC SEA OF ENERGY”-DAVID BOHM

The crash that instilled my faith.

I Got My Why

(Pls read my previous post about GNM as a precursor to this one)

“Since human beings are capable of symbolic thought, we are able to experience biological conflicts also in a figurative sense. For us, an attack conflict can be brought on by an offending remark, a territorial loss conflict with an unwanted move, a starvation conflict through the loss of income, a sexual conflict when our partner is “mating” with someone else, a self-devaluation conflict because of abuse, or a death-fright conflict through the shock of a cancer diagnosis.” –Caroline Markolin, Ph.D

Ductal Carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast. I put on my detective hat and worked backwards from my KNOW to my WHY with help from a GNM practitioner.

GNM’s process of ascertaining the conflict that initiates a particular program is based on biological science and relies heavily on Embryology. A persons handedness (if you are innately right-handed or left-handed) is determined the moment the first cell divides after conception. Dr. Hamer discovered that the brain to organ relay corresponds to the 3 germ layers of which all organs and tissues originate from. Organs of the same germ layer are controlled by the same part of the brain which determines the symptoms.

A person’s handedness and the affected tissue/organ gives us clues to discover what conflict program is running. By understanding the program, we are able to gauge where the body is at in the healing process. For myself, it was vitally important to pinpoint the exact trauma that caused my cells to proliferate and consciously assist my body back to homeostasis.

The right and left side of body correlates to Mother/Child and Partner related conflicts depending on your handedness. A “partner” refers to anybody else except your mother or child. What peaked my interest is how the subconscious relates to the conflict is of importance for the detective work. For example, if a partner initiates a “Separation Conflict”, the individual’s subconscious could trigger the mother side if it relates the incident in association with his or her mother. GNM is a not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with your inner workings.

The Principle of Laterality is one of the 5 Biological Laws that German New Medicine is based upon. A right handed person like myself, responds to a partner conflict on the right side of the body and to a mother/child conflict with the left side of the body. The left handed person would experience the opposite. This rule applies to all organs that are controlled by the cerebellum, cerebral medulla, and cerebral cortex (with some exceptions that I won’t get into in this post.) Laterality does not apply to oragans/tissues that operate from the brainstem.

Here’s what I discovered: Ductal Carcinoma is a “Separation Conflict” program. It is experienced as a loved one torn from the breast through an unexpected ending of a relationship. This program also correlates to wanting to separate due to a sudden conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, ect. Since my tumour was on my right side and I’m right handed, my first clue was that it had nothing to do with my mother or daughter.

The moment I experienced this conflict concentric circles appeared as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because the right breast is controlled by the left side. In my case there was a cross over correlation from the brain to the organ.

” I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your breast. This person did something that shocked you.” said the GNM consultant.

I’d spent 7 months cleaning our my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with but none fit the bill. I went through my memory catalogue unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so that my breath caught, my heart stilled and the blood drained from my face. “Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it.” she said.

How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with everything else except for the ONE! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away for the sake of my safety.

“Looking at the size of your tumour, I’d guess this conflict lasted for about 3 months?” she said. Stunned, I nodded my head.

As I write this I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I know this because I had the ability to pick up the worm and hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk. I saw a creature made of the earth with it own story and place in the world. I was able to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.

Everything in me told me not to hire her. My gut twisted in knots and stories about her from past employers gave me the heebie jeebies. My spa was in full swing and I desperately needed another Esthetician. I was already working around the clock running the business as well as a maintaining a full clientele base as a practitioner. When she applied for the job my aversion to her from working with her from another spa surfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited her in- deciding to take the high road.

I used my uncertainly as fuel to overcome my judgement towards her. After all, she never did anything to me directly… I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was growing as a business owner, I had the opportunity to grow as a person as well.

My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great skills and clients were happy with her service so I held fast to that. I allowed my mothering instincts to take over and as a result she opened up to me as I did to her. I thought that I did the right thing…It’s only in looking back from where I’m now that I know for certain that I did the right thing because it was the catalyst for my evolution.

After a couple months of employment she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late November I ended up in emergency feeling like my guts were being ripped out from the inside.

Knowing GNM now, what I had was an “indigestible morsel conflict” – a situation I just couldn’t swallow which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate. I just didn’t know how to deal with her unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck in a rock and hard place doing my best to accommodate 9 staff members in the midst of my turmoil.

My core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was my priority to treat them well in a business where typically staff came and went. She was the new addition and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.

She approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee disclosed information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position. What she supposedly shared was against our code of ethics.

The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any of my employees would do such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event that ultimately came to my undoing. What I discovered was that this woman who I took in against my better judgement had fabricated a whole story- with fake texts and emails to try and get my long term staff member fired.

Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole process was such a mind f@$k because I chose to trust my intuition and not the evidence to dig for truth. To my horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like it’s coming from someone when it’s not. The evidence that this girl showed me to frame my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents to support it, she was the one who was trying to jump ship.

As I put the pieces together I felt sick to my stomach… expensive items had mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to think that an employee would steal from me. I can never prove it but my gut knew… I felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my instinct. Upon her immediate termination I received official looking emails from her lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability to make fraudulent documents to serve her cause but I had no way to know if they were for real or not.

Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to open my inbox. My heart raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court? What if she shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of what GNM calls Conflict Active Phase. The emails went on…the conflict continued…

Why? Why would she do this? It took about 3 months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.

In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me? Maybe the hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way… if that’s the case doesn’t she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her deep in my subconscious because when she resurfaced I could not for the life of me remember her name.

During those 3 months of Conflict Active phase, I lost cells in my milk ducts in proportion to the duration and intensity of wanting to separate from her. The biological purpose of milk ducts losing cells is a primitive survival response to widen the ducts. There was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical milk. It opened up the passage for milk to drain out so that the area would not get congested and cause infection.

Once the conflict was resolved, my healing phase began by making new cells in the area where there was tissue loss to make the area stronger. This cell proliferation is diagnosed as Ductal Carcinoma- as “abnormal cell activity”. The growing of these particular cells act differently as normal cells so the body can recognize it healing and assist it’s process.

The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumour only grew by 2mm in 6 months was because my cells proliferated to the degree of my conflict and it was done growing. It was done because my conflict was not reactivated. Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to my why. I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered Lump.

LESSON: ALL ROADS LEAD BACK HOME

“YES” Acrylic on canvas by Maasa

GERMAN NEW MEDICINE

The NEW MEDICINE understands the body as a unified organism, a unity, with the psyche being the integrator of all functions of behaviour and all areas of conflict, and the brain being the main computer of all behavioural functions, conflict areas and organs, and the sum of the consequences of all these events. “- R.G. Hamer, MD

Dirk Hamer, son of Dr. Geerd Hamer, was shot by Emanuele of Savoy- son of the last king of Italy in 1978. Awakened in the middle of the night with the horrific news, Dr. Hamer remained in a state of shock as he attended to his dying son for 3 continual months. Within a year after their son’s death, both Dr. Hamer and his wife developed cancer. Being a doctor and a scientific researcher, he suspected that there was a correlation with the sudden death of his son and the onset of his testicular cancer and his wife’s breast cancer. Following his strong intuition, Dr. Hamer began to question what has long been accepted and taught through allopathic medicine- that disease proceeds dysfunction of the organism.

As Chief of Internal Medicine at Munich University in Germany, Dr. Hamer had 200 patients under his care and in the position to conduct research on his hypothesis. He began to survey his patients asking if they experienced a shocking, emotional event prior to their diagnosis. He called the trauma a biological-conflict-shock- a DHS, short for Dirk Hamer Syndrome in memory of his beloved son.

Dr. Hamer’s discovery was remarkable. Every single one of his patients that he interviewed did indeed suffer a DHS. After years of pursuing his research, Dr. Hamer was able to distinguish what kind of specific shock affected a particular tissue organ. Furthermore, CT scans of his patients’ brains detected extraordinary findings. In every single one them without exception, were lesions shaped in concentric circles in various locations of their brains.

The astounding factor was that each cancer type presented brain lesions with an undeniable pattern. Through studying the patterns, Dr. Hamer identified that the nature of an emotional conflict correlated to a specific area of the brain- the brainstem, cerebral medulla, cerebellum, or the cerebral cortex (ex: Ductal Carcinoma showed a lesion in the cerebral cortex paired with a “separation” conflict, lung cancer presented in the brain stem paired with a “death fright” conflict). He found the direct link between how the psyche processed trauma- to where the lesion appeared in the brain and the relay to the specific tissue organ in the body where changes took place.

40,000 case studies to date have confirmed the same pattern of disease development without exception. A highly acute, isolating, shock that catches us completely off guard triggers an instant, biological, simultaneous response in the psyche, the brain, and the corresponding organ. Dr. Hamer’s continual findings developed into the 5 Biological Laws that is the core of German New Medicine. The Laws explain the cause, the evolution, and healing phase of the dis-ease process based on natural principles. Some call it “La Medicina Sagrada” the sacred medicine or simply New Medicine-a paradigm shift from conventional medicine.

Dr. Hamer’s most important discovery is that the body responds to trauma in primal ways in an attempt to ensure our survival. Symptoms of disease although unwelcome, are actually meaningful biological changes to aid us through the conflict, the resolution and healing. For example, even though a high fever is scary, it is the process of healing for it to peak and break before the body restores its balance. Whether the tissue/organ responds to the conflict by proliferating cells (ex. tumour growth), cell loss, or by impeding function- every change proceeding a DHS is designed to improve our overall function in an emergency state. When resolution takes place and stays resolved, our perfectly designed system restores it’s balance.

While deepening my understanding of GNM, what I found most interesting is that 2 people can have the exact same type of conflict yet have symptoms in different areas of their body. Our personal perception of the conflict determines how our body responds. This is because our psyche absorbs and interprets the world through our individual experiences. What we believe in, our culture, personalities, conditioning, what we’ve been taught, what we’ve known, makes us completely unique in the way that our psyche interprets an emergency situation.

If I was to lose a loved one, the immediate primal response from my own life experience could be a separation conflict (ex. milk ducts) and for someone else, it might be an existence conflict (ex. kidneys). In GNM terms diseases are referred to SBS a “Significant Biological Special Program“. Every SBS runs in 2 phases as a development towards healing. Phase 1 being “Conflict Active” – fighter flight mode and Phase 2 which is the “Healing Phase” proceeding conflict resolution.

The SBS sometimes don’t resolve- which is what chronic disease is. The psyche continually gets triggered in a “hanging healing” and stays in an emergency state. It’s set on a track and loops in a cycle that never has the chance to resolve and heal. The length and intensity of the shock determines the size of the lesion in the brain and how symptoms present. Since healing can only happen once the conflict is resolved, GNM focuses on identifying the original conflict, the associations with the conflict, and finding a resolution specific to the individual. In essence, it’s about identifying the exact trauma and creating a liberating relationship with it.

Dr. Hamer found that when conflicts resolved permanently, cancer cells stopped growing and the extra cells broke down. Some masses that did not break down became benign and neutral. The lesion in the brain also disappeared. By understanding that “symptoms” are actually a progress towards healing, we can free ourselves from fear and work on completing the SBS.

The greatest fear with cancer is that it will spread like wildfire and render you terminal. The idea of malfunctioning cells breaking off my tumour and hitching a ride through the blood/ lymph to randomly land in a completely different body part didn’t make any sense to me. Not to mention having the ability to cross over to a different germ layer. Even though my rational mind could thwarted that fear, it still existed in varying degrees depending on what kind of day I was having. It’s a collective fear that has been fed to us from every angle and it’s mighty powerful.

Dr. Hamer scrutinized the metastasis theory with common sense. Why, if cancer spreads through the blood/lymph didn’t it primarily spread from the affected organ to the surrounding tissue? Shouldn’t cervical cancer spread to the uterus next? Why doesn’t everybody who has cancer have Leukaemia if it spreads through the blood? If cancer cells travel through the blood stream why isn’t donated blood screened for cancer? If cancer spreads through the lymph system, why does it develop in the bones where it is not supplied by lymph fluid? How is it that cancer cells can bypass the blood-brain-barrier that is specifically there to protect against invaders? We don’t ever hear of a brain tumour spreading to an organ but only the other way around…why is that?

The metastasis theory discounts the fact that all cells in the body is fist controlled by the brain. It is assumed that rogue cells are doing it’s own thing without the electrical impulses sent by our control center which is the basis of every cellular function. Even reports from Yale University in 2008 declared “How cancer cells become metastatic still remains a mystery”.

Dr. Hamer did not believe that cancer “spreads”. His discoveries indicate that malignancies are separate shocks and separate SBSes. Unfortunately, the shock of a life-threatening diagnosis could be a DHS. Nobody is ever prepared for a cancer diagnosis… The scary options of invasive therapies, the fear of dying, the loss of life as we know it, the loss of what we value in ourselves, carrying life responsibilities with a disease, worry for our loved ones…all translates to our system as an emergency to be managed.

Truth rings like a bell- it rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically knew all along. My body wasn’t falling apart and failing me…it was healing. I was determined to discover the exact conflict that started my program and help it along to finish what was started.

LESSON: Readers, I’d like to emphasize that this is my personal experience. Every therapy, every idea, every belief that resonates with me sustains me. I’m no expert in anything I write about. I’m just an expert on myself and whatever upholds my pillar of strength is what I go by. I choose to live fully- without the ghost of cancer haunting me. This is how I’m doing it.

Moving Forward

Dr. M is a tall man in his mid to late 60’s with impeccable posture and a steady demeanor. He listened to me intently as I advocated for myself in the kind of help I was seeking. “I respect your decision but it’s my job to give you my professional opinion. What you are asking is not what I would be recommending for you.” said the surgeon.

I held on tightly to the pile of notes I’d used to state my request with conviction. I couldn’t let his words shake me because I’d already made my decision. Prior to my initial meeting with Dr. M, I’d spoken to best selling author and naturopath Dr. Sat Dharam Kaur who wrote “The Complete Natural Medicine Guide to Breast Cancer”. Dr. Kaur’s book bridged the gap for me to cross over to conventional medicine with an open mind. In our one hour appointment she helped me to form a strategy that made sense to me and fortified my decision to have surgery. By the time I’d met Dr. M, I was crystal clear on what I needed to do.

I breathed deeply and settled into myself before speaking. “I appreciate your professional opinion but I won’t be doing the recommended procedure. My hope is that you will agree to solely remove the tumor and the enlarged lymph node above it. I do not want an Axillary Node Dissection. I understand it’s merit as a diagnostic and preventive measure, but I’m not willing put myself at risk for Lymphedema. I won’t be getting radiation or undergoing chemotherapy.”

I agreed to the Sentinel Node Biopsy since I was prepared to take out the enlarged node anyway. A Sentinel Lymph Node Biopsy shows if cancer has spread from the tumour to the closest lymph node. If cancer is found in it, what is typically done is an Axillary Node Dissection where 10-40 lymph nodes in the armpit would be removed to biopsy and possibly contain the cancer.

In my case, the Axillary Node Dissection with the Lumpectomy was the obvious go to because the scans clearly showed an irregular shaped lymph node next to my tumor. I was reminded again that the “safer” option would be to remove my right breast entirely and better yet, to lop off both for good measure. That reality never entered my field of consciousness in it’s fullness. In regards to removing body parts, I’d set a firm boundary on how far I was prepared to go.

I’m an artist, body worker, lover and mother- cherishing the use of my hands as the extension of my heart. I couldn’t possibly jeopardize my mobility by cutting out segments of the fluid network integral to flushing out cellular waste. Damaging the lymphatic system could impede the draining of fluids and cause painful edema. I was mostly concerned about the host of other issues that could arise linked to that procedure. I would not gamble with that possibility.

At no point during our meeting did Dr. M talk down to me nor judge me- if anything, I think he found me intriguing as I clearly had taken the road less travelled. He repeated my request at least a couple more times to be absolutely sure he understood what I was asking. That’s when I knew I had found the right surgeon for the job.

I echoed him with my own words so we were both on the exact same page. ” Doc, I just want you to scoop out the tumour with minimal margins and the one lymph node in question. I don’t want any extra nodes taken out for testing. We can test the one we take out but regardless of the prognosis, that’s as far as we are going to go. That’s it.”

” Ok, I’m clear on your request and I’ll do that for you.” He replied.

The question that was stirring up in me finally bubbled up to the surface. I kept telling myself it wouldn’t matter, that there’s no point in asking because I’d made the decision…it wasn’t important because I’d come to know myself deeper and the surface stuff was just that… but vanity is real and nice tits are hard to let go of… so I asked. “Will my breast be deformed? Like a shark bit a chunk out of it?” Smiling he answered, “You’re lucky that tumour is on the outer contour of your breast, I think I’ll be able to make it look ok.”

Everything was clicking in place so I shot him my final request. “I’d like to book in for the surgery working with my menstrual cycle as my tumor grows and shrinks depending on my hormones. Can you take it out when it’s in its smallest form so I can preserve as much of my breast as possible?” Clearly amused with my line of questioning he said, “Let’s see what we can do.” I looked him in the eyes and thanked him from my heart with a resounding YES inside.

Al and I both had a good feeling about Dr. M. I’d scrutinized the surgeons hand movements throughout the whole of our meeting and felt confident in his steadiness. When I told Al that he laughed and said, “Of course you did babe, you had it all covered. I trust you and I’m proud of you.” “I’m excited to meet the German New Medicine lady tomorrow.” I replied.

“What side of the body do you walk you bike with?” she asked. Confused I visualized myself pushing my mountain bike uphill and answered, “Right.” “Great, let’s just double check. Clap your hands please.” she said. Puzzled, I stared at the attractive woman behind the desk and clapped my hands. “You’re definitely right handed so it has nothing to do with your mother or daughter.” she stated. What the hell does that have to do with my lump?

LESSON: “The Pessimist Sees Difficulty In Every Opportunity. The Optimist Sees Opportunity In Every Difficulty.” – Winston Churchill