Tag: Soul

CONFIRMATIONS

by Maasaisis

The light recedes towards the darkness as the days get shorter and the air feels colder. There is a familiar melancholy felt in trading the bursting days of summer to the inward coiling of the long winter months ahead. Perhaps that is why I feel so tired, so very tired of the discipline it takes to live my life the way I have chosen to live it.

Faith is a fire that needs regular tending to so it won’t go out. If I let the fire go out I’m not sure I can exist in the dark. For the last 3 months I’ve had relapses of what I experienced early on in my healing journey. My eyes… the physical portal from which I perceive is the door between my mind and the outside world. I’ve had round after round of what I call the Rocky Balboa eyes because when it’s bad it looks like double shiners.

The first time it happened was after my 33 day grape fast three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I’ve relied 100% on my inner compass to show me the way. Around that time my compass was spinning round and round leading me nowhere. Not knowing what to do next to “fix” what I thought was broken left me very vulnerable to the onslaught of fear.

My biological response to “not being able to see my way forward” was for my eyes to produce more tear fluid to aid my sight to see better. My tear producing glands worked overtime swelling up to the degree of my mental funckery. The tear drainage ducts plug up from too much pressure and there I have Rocky Balboa eyes.

Not knowing what I know now, at the time I thought the cancer metastasized into my eyes which only made my symptons worse. The light of my faith was but a flicker so I signed up for Vipassana and found a way to stoke my fire.

I haven’t had a relapse until I decided to get a MRI diagnostic this summer. Two lumps appeared beneath the scar of my lumpectomy shortly after the shocking death of a beloved sister. We had instantly connected through the same diagnosis and similar approach to healing. She too had been following her inner compass to heal her spirit in order to heal her body. God connected us at a time we needed each other the most. Her sudden death and in which I found out about it was a blow I was totally unprepared for. If she died following her compass what does that mean for me?

After grieving her death for months I noticed small nodules developing under my scar. As a student of German New Medicine I had no doubt that it was in response to my shock. I won’t get into the biological science of what happened as I have written about in the past. It’s one thing to have the knowledge, it’s entirely another beast to actually practice it when we are taught to fear our symptoms. It’s no easy feat to over ride synapses that have been wiring and firing through indoctrination.

I’ve had these lumps now for a year. During that time I’ve lost numerous friends to cancer. The last time someone looked inside was over two years ago when I had my lumpectomy. At the time I was told cancer was in one of my lymph nodes. Rather than doing the recommend testing and treatments I followed my compass again. I am my own test subject. Deciding on getting a MRI was the biggest gamble to see if my faith was placed in the hands of God or in the hands of ignorance and stupidity.

In the month leading up to the MRI my eyes blew up. To have this relentless episode revisit me at that time was the cruelest of confirmations that my body responds to my mind. My life was put on hold. I couldn’t plan anything past what I would potentially find from that screening. I couldn’t “see” my way forward.

In the tunnel of the rumbling, white machine I prayed with all my might. I was stuck in an in-between place between faith and accepting my fate. What would I do if I was deadly wrong all this time? Maybe my next lesson would be ultimate humility.

The ten days waiting for the results was accompanied by my eyes mirroring my internal struggle. It takes so much discipline to choose faith rather than give up. I think I am hardwired to believe that I’m being supported by a greater power than myself, otherwise I could not live this life. I thank the Creator for creating me this way.

What the MRI revealed was not what I hoped for but it did restore power in my faith. What I wanted to know was if the lumps in my breast are proliferating or benign. This would tell me if my body is still in survival mode or if that “program” has been resolved. I was urged further testing and poking around to know for certain. I’m not going down that road right now.

What I did find out is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body. If I believed that cancer in the lymph led to the spreading of cancer elsewhere, it would have been all over the place after two years. That confirmation is enough to keep me going even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. My concern is not that cancer will spread. The body biologically responds to trauma as a survival mechanism. My job is to be aware enough to downgrade it so the symptoms won’t become life threatening.

Since then, my eyes continue to oscillate between swelling and receding. Like a tide going in and out-I ebb in the realm of faith. I have clues to why this is happening but I’m still in the midst of figuring it out. Every-time I look at myself I think I’m triggering the cycle. Body follows mind and mind follows body too. I’m stuck in a feedback loop of all that I’ve gone through and still having to go through. I don’t know why I’m the way that I am. It’s not easy putting all my eggs in a basket that can’t be seen. That’s why it’s called faith.

LESSON: CONFIRMATIONS DON’T ALWAYS COME IN WAYS THAT ARE PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE CONFIRMATIONS NONE THE LESS.

“REMEMBERANCE”- held in faith.

Healing Together

by Maasaisis

Marianne Williamson’s talk was inspiring, liberating and sobering. I’ve been a great fan of her work as her interpretations of A Course In Miracles affirms what I’ve been learning from the book in a way that cements it in. She is witty, passionate and has great analogies to explain what the course is about in layman’s terms.

At 70 yrs old, her energy was powerful and electric. The takeaway for me was that she talked about the 3 days between the crucifixion and the resurrection. We are at a pivotal time where we live in 2 worlds now. One that is dying and one that is being birthed. We are facilitating the shift in consciousness as both death doula and birth doula. We are in between the crucifixion and the resurrection.

The time of the crucifixion as a metaphor, is us being hung up and wounded by our past and living from that place. It’s important to tend to our wounds and be conscious of it and it’s also important to know when it’s time to get off the cross to get resurrected – that can only happen in the NOW. We must choose to release ourselves so that we can heal not just ourselves but the world.

My understanding of the resurrection is waking up to the truth of who we are which is that we are One with all of creation. A Course In Miracles uses the metaphor that we are all rays of the sun not realizing that we all come from the one source. As long as we think we are separate from one another we believe we are separate from what we already are. We can never be separate from what we really are because love made us like itself. It is all encompassing and eternal- always there waiting to be remembered.

We yearn to return to what we already are but maybe it’s not something we just do solo. I’ve done so much deep solo work but it can only get me so far until I can extend it into my relationships. I know this is true for myself.

Marianne Williamson confirmed that ultimately what we do and feel towards others we do unto ourselves. So in every opportunity through our relationships we can fragment or heal through love. It’s important to know that love can also be fierce, powerful, and have boundaries. It’s not just about the fluffy stuff because forgiveness is key to freeing each other and ourselves especially when it feels impossible to do so.

ACM says, “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”. What I’m learning is the miracles the book talks about isn’t about some grand event to make non believers believe. A miracle happens in every moment when we remember who we are. I think that’s enlightenment and it can happen in a fleeting moment of remembrance- when we are free from painful projections of the past which is ultimately fuelled by fear. It happens when we really see ourselves in each other no matter what is being expressed on the outside. At the core we are all of the same.

It’s a practice that’s for sure and maybe that’s why we’re here having this human experience.

Marianne had us think about the hardest event that happened in our lives. I felt my heart clamp down. Then she told us to look at the person to the right, to the left, in front and behind. Then asked us to think of our event again and notice if the feeling changed. For me, the compassion I felt towards others with that instant reflection became not just mine but all of ours and there I found love. Pain is pain, there is no competing that one persons suffers more than another. The tight place where my pain lived softened and I believe we did it all together.

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;

It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

LESSON: “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”

Healing Together- “Cosmic Family”

Transcendence Of SMR

by Maasaisis

Why is it that we refer to people in the past tense when the body completes its function? If she becomes a “was” instead of an “is” that means she doesn’t exist. She is no longer expressed through the body that we recognize but it doesn’t mean she went out like a candle flame.

I’m sitting where I can see her face clearly. The veil between the seen world and unseen mystery is tangible. Within the sacred circle of her Beloveds there’s a deep stirring of the ways of the old, like we’ve done this before from a time we don’t remember. We know exactly how to be- perfect in our individual response of letting her go yet united in love. We are at the pinnacle of presence blessing her holy departure.

She’s lying in the centre on a bed of a thousand pedals staring into the eyes of her children. My heart cracks wide open to feel the nuance of all that I’m feeling. I don’t want to pull away from this… I won’t falter to my attachments and crumble. I will all of me to be present with her. I stay anchored to my faith that we go on when our body does not.

I am an open vessel funnelling this profound moment. Ancient circuits are going on line because I know this ceremony. This is how it is suppose to be… Our hallowed anthem of whispers, cries, songs and prayers will carry her onwards and always.

During my time as a doula I welcomed many births. How does such a small being survive the arduous journey to the outside world? How can it be crushed, pushed and pulled without being utterly damaged? I’ve heard that the pineal gland releases huge amounts of DMT also known as the “Spirit Molecule” during birth and death. The tryptamine induces an intense altered state similar to what one would experience at a peak of a psychedelic experience. Perhaps that is why we hear of near-death stories where survivors have profound spiritual experiences and encounters with other worldly beings.

I need to believe that the many Ayahuasca ceremonies Scarlet did prepared her for this ultimate trip.

Scarlet Mary Rose came into my life like an explosion of confetti. We met over 2 decades ago in a college music program. Before Scarlet, I’d never met a woman who could unabashedly, unapologetically, and genuinely express herself. I didn’t know what to make of her except that she was deeply intriguing. She invoked, inspired and provoked parts of me that I didn’t know existed.

Burlesque sounded like something that came out of Timbuktu. I had no idea what it was until Scarlet glorified the art through her fantastical imagination. She captivated me with her vision to empower women and liberate sexuality through creativity- music, dance, twirling titties and gyrating asses-it’s a freedom movement of unbound self expression. She said her nipples would be covered in fancy tape and her vagina always just out of sight. My mind was blown.

Within a year after my diagnosis she got the exact same news. I thought I was solid, I thought I had my fear at bay but she was really afraid and it triggered me big time. I supported her through what I’d learned, I did my best to inspire her to dig deep, but there were days when we were both mentally mangled by our prognosis.

People can love and support you the best that they know how. But unless they are in the trenches with you, there’s no way to grasp the extent of mind fuckery mortality plays on you when it’s knocking at your door. We leaned on each other and respectively gave each other space. We made a pact to be honest with where we are at.

I’ll never forget the day I met her at the hospital after her chemo. She was convinced that the treatments would kill her, that her body couldn’t take the chemical assault. I held onto her like I held onto my own life. “There’s got to be another way”, I said.

Scarlet did find her own way. I witnessed her transcending fear and step into grace. She looked into me as her soul spoke out that she was ready. I instantly let go of my own agenda, my own need for her to keep going… for her not to give up. She wasn’t giving up, she was letting go.

Al and I drove 2 hours to this beautiful, remote, retreat centre to send her off. It’s important for us to be here for Scarlet but for us as well. We don’t talk about my health as long my cues are affirming that all is well. But, the “what if” is still in the periphery and now we are facing it with Scarlet. Somehow we know that there will be healing by being close to what we don’t want to think about.

“See the wood this ceiling is made out of? ” Scarlet says. “I bet my grandpa milled it because it’s the kind of wood only he milled at the time. My ancestors are here.” I am savouring every word she says. I’m collecting every opportunity to take her in before she goes. I tell her I love her. She holds me and whispers “when it’s time just let go”.

Scarlet is holding court before her departure. She is singing a duet with a Beloved on the piano and it’s the performance of her life. I’m sure her voice is opening the portal to the place where she is going. The last line of the song is “let me die” and we all crack open some more.

I’m keeping a firm eye on her. What if she changes her mind? What do I do if she does? Scarlet’s reliving the highlights of her burlesque career. She’s bringing in her Beloveds who couldn’t be there in person through her stories. There’s tales of glitter bombs, big balls and her cowgirl burlesque act as Rosy Rawhide. We are laughing, singing, crying and celebrating. All the while she is leading the way- there’s no apprehension, no fall back, she is set on her trajectory and ready for takeoff.

“I’m gonna smoke this joint and then we’re gonna go” she claimed. This is it… and we all know it. We walk in a sacred procession to the place where her body will be left behind.

My mind is trying to keep up with the magnitude of what is actually happening. I am straining my eyes to see beyond the wet curtain of tears. I will not miss the holy instant of her spiritual metamorphosis. I feel her leave.

We are taking turns revering her brilliance. It feels like we are suspended in space existing between here and where-ever she is. The men leave and several sisters stay to wash her voluptuous, porcelain body. I am singing as I wash her breast with the scar from her surgery. It is deeply healing for me to be so intimate with her scar that’s akin to mine. I am at peace entranced by her beauty- She’s a renaissance woman blazing the path to always.

GOODBYE LUMP

by Maasaisis

“Perception is temporary. To know is to be certain. Uncertainty means that you do not know. Knowledge is power because it is certain, and certainty is strength.”

– Course In Miracles

There is a 3 inch horizontal scar below my armpit. I am relieved to see that my breast is still attractive even with the divot beneath the incision. Undergoing surgery in early Covid times granted me a quiet hospital with eager nurses to help. I was in the surgery room getting prepped within an hour upon arrival at the hospital.

I’d brought a box of chocolates from my home town with a paper crane that my daughter folded perched on top of it. My surgeon looked at me in surprise when I handed it to him. I locked into his gaze and said “Thank you for supporting my decision, I’m ready.”

I only had one request for my friends and family when they asked what they could do to help. I said, “I’ll text you when I’m about to go in for surgery. Please feel us all celebrating my life cancer free”. I had no doubt in my mind about the power of collective prayer and for once I was not shy to ask for help.

The calm from the center of me rippled out. My Beloved’s prayers were tangible as I slowly counted down from ten. I did not hesitate as I surrendered to the unconscious.

It is the strangest feeling to awaken and not know what you are awakening from. I looked down at my bandaged breast as the first wave of nausea surfaced from the deep. I searched my mind for some kind of clue, hoping there was a part of me that stayed awake to recount what had happened. What now?

I never saw that surgeon again. I did however receive a phone call from him a few days later. He told me that he got clear margins and had to take out two lymph nodes instead of the agreed upon one. He said that the enlarged node could not be accessed without taking out the other. “We tested them both…the extra one we took has cancer cells in it but the enlarged one doesn’t” he said.

I’d reached another turning point. The road had forked and had clearly shown me two paths. One led to a whole bunch of screening, testing and invasive treatments and the other led to where I don’t do any of that and continue to trust my own information. I chose the latter… again. Focusing on external solutions were not the answer for me. I sought for a revelation that could only be realized from the inside.

That was almost two years ago. I continue to be challenged by my own perceptions which are triggered by fear. I am still a student of life and my body is the learning tool in which to master my way of being. At this point I am certain that mind creates reality. When my body produces symptoms it is always the result of questioning what is true. That is why perception is always based on the temporary.

When I am aligned with truth nothing real in me can be threatened. When I succumb to fear the walls go up and I become a prisoner of my own making. I have become my own lab rat testing the field of consciousness. This body of mine is a temporary vessel in which to learn of the everlasting nature of my soul.

LESSON: NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED

Above art by Maasa @ http://www.maasa.ca