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Cancer Came to Cure Me

Featured by Maasaisis

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog so stay tuned for more! Please subscribe below to get notified for new post updates. I invite you to read my blogs from the beginning as my experience is written in a sequential manner. Some may call me reckless, some may call me brave, some may find refuge in a story that resonates deeply.

In Wholeness, Maasa

My Precious Family
Video 1:
The Road Less Travelled

POSTS FROM THE BEGINNING

Living For what is possible

by Maasaisis

No matter how strong my belief is, when another human being looks me in the eyes and tells me that my life may be shortened due to my choices, I still have to brace myself for the impact.

After being MIA from the medical system for three years I found myself in the same building, on the same floor, where the first surgeon I met a week after my initial diagnosis told me that I should remove my breast. Perhaps I was naive in thinking that this visit in a different room, with a different surgeon would be any different.

Now, I have three lumps in my breast. Each with it’s own characteristic and story of how it came to be. These stories were confirmed by a CT scan of my brain.

I needed absolute proof of the foundation in which I based my understanding of disease and from which I live my life. Everything I learned from German New Medicine makes solid, intellectual sense to me but having wisdom is different from gaining knowledge. Wisdom is a bunch of information but knowledge is to KNOW and to live from that knowing. It was time to bridge the gap and it had to be done by looking at my brain.

My husband was initially horrified when I told him that if I didn’t see lesions in my brain I would be devastated. As usual after giving him my long winded explanation, he fortified my decision with his unwavering support. Grace united me with a man who has the super power to put all his faith in me even if he doesn’t understand why. This is the power of love that binds us in the tight knot that keeps us together through the wildest of times.

Dr. Hamer, the founder of GNM, discovered that when we unexpectedly smash into trauma, a biological program instantly sets in motion. There is a physical imprint that appears in the brain which has a correlating response to a body part to optimize our survival. I’ve talked about this in my other posts ( “German New Medicine” and “I Got My Why”) so I’ll get back on my point about this brain scan of mine. If what Dr. Hamer discovered was true, there should be concentric circles in my brain.

The location of the circles found in my brain would not only tell me what specific part of my body is affected, it would also tell me where I’m at with my healing. Depending on the quality of the circles I’d know if I’ve resolved my trauma or if I’m still triggered somehow. I’ve had my suspicion that there are two programs running in my breast- a ductal program and glandular program. Both programs started shortly after the shocking discovery of my beloved friend’s death. I hoped and expected to see circular marks in my sensory cortex which correlates to ductal program and/or in my cerebellum for the glandular program.

The proof is definitely in the pudding. I found a GNM specialist in Croatia who’d studied under Dr. Hamer himself. I’d sent images of my non-contrast CT brain scan and he proceeded to read my story from what he saw. He showed me the circles that confirmed everything that I’d learned. My emotional scars were literally imprinted into my brain and I fell apart at the sight of it. He told me I was in a “hanging healing” which meant that the story was not yet finished.

The landscape of my brain with patterns of circles is a map of my life. It showed where I’d been, why I was there, what’s been healed and what wants to be healed. I wanted to see that all my conflicts were resolved but my lumps behaved otherwise.

I was ebbing between healing and undoing my healing because my mind would feel safe and then not. This is why my lumps morph into various sizes and shapes depending on what is happening in my head. I’d been existing in the in between place where convictions of GNM went head to head against the powerful collective belief that cancer equals death. Every time someone I cared about died of cancer it echoed in my breast.

It’s time to shit or get off the pot. I can’t exist swaying in the in between place any more. Now that I have proof in my own experience, I must empower myself with the knowledge of GNM and live it fully. The specialist in Croatia told me that programs are not designed to be running for long periods of time. By looking at the qualities of my circles he could tell that I’d been in a hanging healing for a long time. Even if I resolved my programs he didn’t think the lumps would go away on their own. It would most likely become benign and sit still like a stone.

So, there I was again sitting in that same building a few doors down on the same floor I was in years ago. Sitting across from me is a man with eyes that makes me feel at ease. This surgeon is very open minded and respectful. He does not drill me with questions of why I have left these lumps for so long. It was a big deal for me to cross the threshold and step into a system that is built on treating symptoms. I’d finally reached the point where I accepted that I only had two choices. To live with the discomfort of these lumps or to see what my options were to take them out.

I was hoping for a miracle- that a skilled surgeon could just scoop out the lumps and maybe I’d have 75% of my breast left which I could live with. The choices given to me were all the same as the first time- have at least half lopped off, the whole thing, or both just for extra measure. I was not interested in having anything foreign in there so reconstruction was off the table. If I took the half option there would be a cliff that drops down to nothing next to my nipple and there could be nerve damage that could affect my arm. I’m told my chances are better with treatments of radiation and chemo but I don’t believe him. My last choice is to take hormone drugs for at least six months to see if it would even work. This drug has a list of potential side affects that makes me think of the game “Whack A Mole”.

When I declined all the options that the surgeon gave me, he couldn’t let me leave without respectfully giving me his professional opinion. I steadied myself for the blow. It took me three days to realign with knowledge to shake off his words of doom but I got there. I returned to gratitude. I am here, I am healthy, and I am living my best life. That’s the thing with practice, it’s like coming home over and over again.

The body is a healing machine when the mind breaks free from what has happened. Human beings are designed to exist in the present moment. When we get stuck in the past we create a future from our imprints rather than creating a possibility of something new. My right breast is an artifact of what has happened and what is possible. I am living for what is possible.

LESSON: MY BODY IS A HEALING MACHINE.

Becoming Who I Already Am

by Maasaisis

Two days ago I began my 46th cycle around the sun. Being well into the second half of my life I am more interested in how I want to be rather than what I want to be. I’m constantly calling myself out these days. The result of it is that I really can’t take myself too seriously. My pride is such an ego-driven maniac that all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of its righteousness and forgive myself for it. The ego always speaks loudly first in its projectile nature.

I imagine what the world would look like when the invisible line that separates every one of us finally dissipates. What would happen if we all woke up one morning and unzipped our bodies to reveal the sameness in us? Perhaps you’d think that’s boring…but what if we finally found what we were looking for?

This incessant need to fill up life with things and achievements means nothing when we are gone. We only take with us what we’ve always been. The competitiveness, the comparisons, the good and the bad drive us mad. We create our own hell from our own projections and choose to stay there. We do-do-do on the outside when what we really want is peacefully waiting for us to turn in.

These two lumps of mine remind me that I have a choice. I can choose fear and live in hell or I can choose to be free of it. Every moment gives me the opportunity to choose. Fear can be crippling. It shapeshifts to denial and regret which amplifies its power to make me forget that I always have a choice.

I’ve been drawn to the philosophy of Stoicism as of late. The attraction lies in the practice of attention and redirection- to focus on letting go of what we can’t control and directing the mind to the things that we can. I can control my perspective, observations, and actions. So I ask myself ” Am I ok right now?”

Since the ego exists in time it’s obsessed with the future. It replies “Yes I’m ok right now but I might not be later”. Then it creates the most elaborate house of terrors and throws me in. If I can catch the spinning of this tale and tell myself the truth, “yes, I feel super healthy. I’m functioning. Everything is working just fine” then I’m free to live another day.

I’ve been doing this for three and a half years. The ego can only exist as the body. It traps and attaches everything to this suit that I’m wearing on the outside. It keeps everything on the surface, wants to be perfect and live forever. The ego always makes judgments to impose itself onto others to prove itself right. It does not and will never recognize the sameness in us that connects us all which is eternal. So I’m on the lookout to catch the clues to know when I’m not of sound mind.

I will not disrespect the fine suit I’m in and be reckless. This suit is what I’ve got -to learn the lessons I need so I can let it go when the time comes. I must love it, care for it, create from it and spring life from it until then.

Earl Nightingale said, “We become what we think about”. I know this to be true because my life reflects my state of mind. There is no good or bad there just IS. I just happen to have some speed bumps on the contour of my breast that is presently not causing me ill health. It’s a constant letting go of how my breast used to be and my dream about that.

I’m working on being more receptive, less projective, and more grateful. It really is tragically funny how fucking difficult that is. That’s why I really need a sense of humor with an unlimited resource of love and forgiveness to wake up to become who I already AM.

CONFIRMATIONS

by Maasaisis

The light recedes towards the darkness as the days get shorter and the air feels colder. There is a familiar melancholy felt in trading the bursting days of summer to the inward coiling of the long winter months ahead. Perhaps that is why I feel so tired, so very tired of the discipline it takes to live my life the way I have chosen to live it.

Faith is a fire that needs regular tending to so it won’t go out. If I let the fire go out I’m not sure I can exist in the dark. For the last 3 months I’ve had relapses of what I experienced early on in my healing journey. My eyes… the physical portal from which I perceive is the door between my mind and the outside world. I’ve had round after round of what I call the Rocky Balboa eyes because when it’s bad it looks like double shiners.

The first time it happened was after my 33 day grape fast three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I’ve relied 100% on my inner compass to show me the way. Around that time my compass was spinning round and round leading me nowhere. Not knowing what to do next to “fix” what I thought was broken left me very vulnerable to the onslaught of fear.

My biological response to “not being able to see my way forward” was for my eyes to produce more tear fluid to aid my sight to see better. My tear producing glands worked overtime swelling up to the degree of my mental funckery. The tear drainage ducts plug up from too much pressure and there I have Rocky Balboa eyes.

Not knowing what I know now, at the time I thought the cancer metastasized into my eyes which only made my symptons worse. The light of my faith was but a flicker so I signed up for Vipassana and found a way to stoke my fire.

I haven’t had a relapse until I decided to get a MRI diagnostic this summer. Two lumps appeared beneath the scar of my lumpectomy shortly after the shocking death of a beloved sister. We had instantly connected through the same diagnosis and similar approach to healing. She too had been following her inner compass to heal her spirit in order to heal her body. God connected us at a time we needed each other the most. Her sudden death and in which I found out about it was a blow I was totally unprepared for. If she died following her compass what does that mean for me?

After grieving her death for months I noticed small nodules developing under my scar. As a student of German New Medicine I had no doubt that it was in response to my shock. I won’t get into the biological science of what happened as I have written about in the past. It’s one thing to have the knowledge, it’s entirely another beast to actually practice it when we are taught to fear our symptoms. It’s no easy feat to over ride synapses that have been wiring and firing through indoctrination.

I’ve had these lumps now for a year. During that time I’ve lost numerous friends to cancer. The last time someone looked inside was over two years ago when I had my lumpectomy. At the time I was told cancer was in one of my lymph nodes. Rather than doing the recommend testing and treatments I followed my compass again. I am my own test subject. Deciding on getting a MRI was the biggest gamble to see if my faith was placed in the hands of God or in the hands of ignorance and stupidity.

In the month leading up to the MRI my eyes blew up. To have this relentless episode revisit me at that time was the cruelest of confirmations that my body responds to my mind. My life was put on hold. I couldn’t plan anything past what I would potentially find from that screening. I couldn’t “see” my way forward.

In the tunnel of the rumbling, white machine I prayed with all my might. I was stuck in an in-between place between faith and accepting my fate. What would I do if I was deadly wrong all this time? Maybe my next lesson would be ultimate humility.

The ten days waiting for the results was accompanied by my eyes mirroring my internal struggle. It takes so much discipline to choose faith rather than give up. I think I am hardwired to believe that I’m being supported by a greater power than myself, otherwise I could not live this life. I thank the Creator for creating me this way.

What the MRI revealed was not what I hoped for but it did restore power in my faith. What I wanted to know was if the lumps in my breast are proliferating or benign. This would tell me if my body is still in survival mode or if that “program” has been resolved. I was urged further testing and poking around to know for certain. I’m not going down that road right now.

What I did find out is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body. If I believed that cancer in the lymph led to the spreading of cancer elsewhere, it would have been all over the place after two years. That confirmation is enough to keep me going even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. My concern is not that cancer will spread. The body biologically responds to trauma as a survival mechanism. My job is to be aware enough to downgrade it so the symptoms won’t become life threatening.

Since then, my eyes continue to oscillate between swelling and receding. Like a tide going in and out-I ebb in the realm of faith. I have clues to why this is happening but I’m still in the midst of figuring it out. Every-time I look at myself I think I’m triggering the cycle. Body follows mind and mind follows body too. I’m stuck in a feedback loop of all that I’ve gone through and still having to go through. I don’t know why I’m the way that I am. It’s not easy putting all my eggs in a basket that can’t be seen. That’s why it’s called faith.

LESSON: CONFIRMATIONS DON’T ALWAYS COME IN WAYS THAT ARE PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE CONFIRMATIONS NONE THE LESS.

“REMEMBERANCE”- held in faith.

Healing Together

by Maasaisis

Marianne Williamson’s talk was inspiring, liberating and sobering. I’ve been a great fan of her work as her interpretations of A Course In Miracles affirms what I’ve been learning from the book in a way that cements it in. She is witty, passionate and has great analogies to explain what the course is about in layman’s terms.

At 70 yrs old, her energy was powerful and electric. The takeaway for me was that she talked about the 3 days between the crucifixion and the resurrection. We are at a pivotal time where we live in 2 worlds now. One that is dying and one that is being birthed. We are facilitating the shift in consciousness as both death doula and birth doula. We are in between the crucifixion and the resurrection.

The time of the crucifixion as a metaphor, is us being hung up and wounded by our past and living from that place. It’s important to tend to our wounds and be conscious of it and it’s also important to know when it’s time to get off the cross to get resurrected – that can only happen in the NOW. We must choose to release ourselves so that we can heal not just ourselves but the world.

My understanding of the resurrection is waking up to the truth of who we are which is that we are One with all of creation. A Course In Miracles uses the metaphor that we are all rays of the sun not realizing that we all come from the one source. As long as we think we are separate from one another we believe we are separate from what we already are. We can never be separate from what we really are because love made us like itself. It is all encompassing and eternal- always there waiting to be remembered.

We yearn to return to what we already are but maybe it’s not something we just do solo. I’ve done so much deep solo work but it can only get me so far until I can extend it into my relationships. I know this is true for myself.

Marianne Williamson confirmed that ultimately what we do and feel towards others we do unto ourselves. So in every opportunity through our relationships we can fragment or heal through love. It’s important to know that love can also be fierce, powerful, and have boundaries. It’s not just about the fluffy stuff because forgiveness is key to freeing each other and ourselves especially when it feels impossible to do so.

ACM says, “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”. What I’m learning is the miracles the book talks about isn’t about some grand event to make non believers believe. A miracle happens in every moment when we remember who we are. I think that’s enlightenment and it can happen in a fleeting moment of remembrance- when we are free from painful projections of the past which is ultimately fuelled by fear. It happens when we really see ourselves in each other no matter what is being expressed on the outside. At the core we are all of the same.

It’s a practice that’s for sure and maybe that’s why we’re here having this human experience.

Marianne had us think about the hardest event that happened in our lives. I felt my heart clamp down. Then she told us to look at the person to the right, to the left, in front and behind. Then asked us to think of our event again and notice if the feeling changed. For me, the compassion I felt towards others with that instant reflection became not just mine but all of ours and there I found love. Pain is pain, there is no competing that one persons suffers more than another. The tight place where my pain lived softened and I believe we did it all together.

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;

It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

LESSON: “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”

Healing Together- “Cosmic Family”

Transcendence Of SMR

by Maasaisis

Why is it that we refer to people in the past tense when the body completes its function? If she becomes a “was” instead of an “is” that means she doesn’t exist. She is no longer expressed through the body that we recognize but it doesn’t mean she went out like a candle flame.

I’m sitting where I can see her face clearly. The veil between the seen world and unseen mystery is tangible. Within the sacred circle of her Beloveds there’s a deep stirring of the ways of the old, like we’ve done this before from a time we don’t remember. We know exactly how to be- perfect in our individual response of letting her go yet united in love. We are at the pinnacle of presence blessing her holy departure.

She’s lying in the centre on a bed of a thousand pedals staring into the eyes of her children. My heart cracks wide open to feel the nuance of all that I’m feeling. I don’t want to pull away from this… I won’t falter to my attachments and crumble. I will all of me to be present with her. I stay anchored to my faith that we go on when our body does not.

I am an open vessel funnelling this profound moment. Ancient circuits are going on line because I know this ceremony. This is how it is suppose to be… Our hallowed anthem of whispers, cries, songs and prayers will carry her onwards and always.

During my time as a doula I welcomed many births. How does such a small being survive the arduous journey to the outside world? How can it be crushed, pushed and pulled without being utterly damaged? I’ve heard that the pineal gland releases huge amounts of DMT also known as the “Spirit Molecule” during birth and death. The tryptamine induces an intense altered state similar to what one would experience at a peak of a psychedelic experience. Perhaps that is why we hear of near-death stories where survivors have profound spiritual experiences and encounters with other worldly beings.

I need to believe that the many Ayahuasca ceremonies Scarlet did prepared her for this ultimate trip.

Scarlet Mary Rose came into my life like an explosion of confetti. We met over 2 decades ago in a college music program. Before Scarlet, I’d never met a woman who could unabashedly, unapologetically, and genuinely express herself. I didn’t know what to make of her except that she was deeply intriguing. She invoked, inspired and provoked parts of me that I didn’t know existed.

Burlesque sounded like something that came out of Timbuktu. I had no idea what it was until Scarlet glorified the art through her fantastical imagination. She captivated me with her vision to empower women and liberate sexuality through creativity- music, dance, twirling titties and gyrating asses-it’s a freedom movement of unbound self expression. She said her nipples would be covered in fancy tape and her vagina always just out of sight. My mind was blown.

Within a year after my diagnosis she got the exact same news. I thought I was solid, I thought I had my fear at bay but she was really afraid and it triggered me big time. I supported her through what I’d learned, I did my best to inspire her to dig deep, but there were days when we were both mentally mangled by our prognosis.

People can love and support you the best that they know how. But unless they are in the trenches with you, there’s no way to grasp the extent of mind fuckery mortality plays on you when it’s knocking at your door. We leaned on each other and respectively gave each other space. We made a pact to be honest with where we are at.

I’ll never forget the day I met her at the hospital after her chemo. She was convinced that the treatments would kill her, that her body couldn’t take the chemical assault. I held onto her like I held onto my own life. “There’s got to be another way”, I said.

Scarlet did find her own way. I witnessed her transcending fear and step into grace. She looked into me as her soul spoke out that she was ready. I instantly let go of my own agenda, my own need for her to keep going… for her not to give up. She wasn’t giving up, she was letting go.

Al and I drove 2 hours to this beautiful, remote, retreat centre to send her off. It’s important for us to be here for Scarlet but for us as well. We don’t talk about my health as long my cues are affirming that all is well. But, the “what if” is still in the periphery and now we are facing it with Scarlet. Somehow we know that there will be healing by being close to what we don’t want to think about.

“See the wood this ceiling is made out of? ” Scarlet says. “I bet my grandpa milled it because it’s the kind of wood only he milled at the time. My ancestors are here.” I am savouring every word she says. I’m collecting every opportunity to take her in before she goes. I tell her I love her. She holds me and whispers “when it’s time just let go”.

Scarlet is holding court before her departure. She is singing a duet with a Beloved on the piano and it’s the performance of her life. I’m sure her voice is opening the portal to the place where she is going. The last line of the song is “let me die” and we all crack open some more.

I’m keeping a firm eye on her. What if she changes her mind? What do I do if she does? Scarlet’s reliving the highlights of her burlesque career. She’s bringing in her Beloveds who couldn’t be there in person through her stories. There’s tales of glitter bombs, big balls and her cowgirl burlesque act as Rosy Rawhide. We are laughing, singing, crying and celebrating. All the while she is leading the way- there’s no apprehension, no fall back, she is set on her trajectory and ready for takeoff.

“I’m gonna smoke this joint and then we’re gonna go” she claimed. This is it… and we all know it. We walk in a sacred procession to the place where her body will be left behind.

My mind is trying to keep up with the magnitude of what is actually happening. I am straining my eyes to see beyond the wet curtain of tears. I will not miss the holy instant of her spiritual metamorphosis. I feel her leave.

We are taking turns revering her brilliance. It feels like we are suspended in space existing between here and where-ever she is. The men leave and several sisters stay to wash her voluptuous, porcelain body. I am singing as I wash her breast with the scar from her surgery. It is deeply healing for me to be so intimate with her scar that’s akin to mine. I am at peace entranced by her beauty- She’s a renaissance woman blazing the path to always.

Revelation

by Maasaisis

A revelation occurs in a miraculous instant when the constructs of the ego falters. What’s left standing is who I really am. I was given the gift of this experience after a tumultuous week of rumbling with chaos. It occurred when I traded in all of my tools for the mighty One. It occurred when I finally had the sense to ask for help.

I used to think that God hands out the hard lessons to be learned- as if I need to pass certain levels to ascend to my higher Self. But I’m beginning to recognize the similar traits of every avenue that leads to suffering. The common denominator being fear, guilt and shame- the Trio Of Destruction that often works in that consecutive order.

When I’m able to catch the whiff of that familiar pattern of attack, I notice various versions of the same story crafted from my past. They all operate under the law of limitations, devaluations, and evaluations based on external validations. All tools used by the ego to create a perception of the world that keeps me from knowing my true greatness.

My ego is the ghost writer of a convincing story who sneakily put God’s name on the cover. The light is gone only because I believe what’s written in the script -it is not a test from the Almighty. The stories I make up to affirm my place in the world is the very thing keeping me from the peace I seek.

The deal with existing in this physical dimension is that we primarily relate to our experiences through tangible means. We interpret life through the identity of the body which is limited in it’s capabilities. Who AM I if I’m not Maasa the wife, the mother, the artist, the seeker, the one that marches to the beat of her own drum? What goes on when my body does not?

In the midst of my assault, I’m terrified of my attachments to the beautiful life I’ve created. The joy of living drains out of me and I’m afraid of losing everything. In a state of survival rational thought doesn’t exist. All my training goes to the wayside and I’m utterly in a mind fuckery.

Fear penetrates, colouring my perception in hues of black and grey. I tried to keep it in…tried not to let it seep out but I couldn’t. The ones closest to me became the witness of my unravelling. While I kept telling myself that It’s ok to let them see me fall apart, a louder voice yelled at me for failing. “You should have your shit together, you should know better, you should be stronger, you should be so much wiser by now!”

Then, the tide of guilt drew me into the hot mess of shame.

Who is the one shouting at me?

How can I be my own saviour being the one who designed the structure of my imprisonment?

The revelation dawned on me to seek for help elsewhere- from the Source that created me. The One who knows the magnitude of my magnificence that can help me to remember who is real. My S.O.S was heard. My appeal for help was answered.

Maybe life is the ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering. Even in a constant state of obscurity something inherent wants to be known. That calling is what keeps me going, even when I don’t think I can hear it. I think it’s the indestructible, eternal part of me. I think it’s the Created and the Creator reconciled as One.

I am resurrected in an instant of remembrance and the suffering is forgotten. Miracles operate in ways that can not be conceived by the enslaved mind. Every-time I feel love, peace and joy it is the light of my true nature that is remembered. That is why I seek it.

So why the viscous attack from the Triad of Destruction? I yearn to know myself as the perfect creation of the Creator. I want to heal what is broken by knowing that I can’t be broken.

The hallowed desire to be whole is a major threat to the survival of the false self that I have carefully constructed all of my life. So, there she is..threatening me to save me which is the biggest clue that she is not real.

A Course In Miracles says “Nothing real can be threatened.”

My revelation revealed that I can not remember the Truth alone. I can’t know my true capabilities without the help of my Maker. The belief that I can find my own way is the trap that leads me back to where I have already been.

Maybe enlightenment doesn’t have to be permanent. Maybe enlightenment is in the fleeting moment of remembrance and the ability to forgive ourselves when we forget.

P.S My contemplations have been influenced by studying A Course In Miracles. These are my own reflections. I do not assume to know what the text means.

LESSON: ASK FOR HELP.

ART IS A VISUAL GATEWAY TO TRANSMUTE THE STORIES THAT DO NOT SERVE ME.

I WILL GO ON

by Maasaisis

“The purpose of our journey on this precious Earth is now to align our personalities with our souls. It is to create harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life.
It is to grow spiritually. This is our new evolutionary pathway.

– GaryZukav author of “The Seat Of The Soul”

Pumping my pedals with power and exhilaration, I’m biking up the mountain through the temple of forested trees. I’m in my sanctuary doing what I love. My entire body swells with gratitude for being able to celebrate my health in such a tangible way. I’m keeping up with my best friend and husband while my heart pumps in rhythm to soul moving music. I’m imbued in the expansive field of a perfect experience.

Then it happens….

What if I’m really not ok? What if I don’t have much time?

This is how my ego hijacks my joy. It not only believes in the finite perceptions it has created, it also needs to sustain it for its survival. It says,” Nothing good lasts forever…”

I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s coming and I don’t want to know. I’m afraid because I want to keep this moment and feel threatened by how good it feels.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’d fallen into versions of the “what if?” drama. Today I catch myself and rather than pedalling through it, I ask Al to stop.

“There’s a bench right up ahead, let’s take a break there,” he says.

I used to withhold my struggles from my beloved, believing I was saving him from the weight of it. I stopped doing that because I learned that rich experience don’t always shine. Sometimes the density of life’s attack is what gives us the opportunity to grow. Sometimes we just need to wriggle in the mess before we can move forward.

Sitting down onto the worn down bench and sensing that I’m about to say something, he looks at me expectantly.

“I got the attack of the funk,” I say. He knows exactly what I mean and readies himself for what’s coming. He looks into me. We are deeply connected, cocooned in the quiet cathedral of trees. The sun rays are sparkling between the spaces in which they stand. It is majestically beautiful.

My outer senses are clashing against my inner conflict while I try to put together what I’m about to say.

“I’m angry because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here…”

“Neither do I but we are here now babe.” he says.

He holds me in his response. The grip of fear eases off by giving it a voice and a witness for it to be heard. Mortality is such an isolating feeling- it amplifies that we are separate and alone which is not true. Mortality is the illusion of the false self that identifies itself with the body. I will exist even when my body is gone. I will go on.

LESSON: I AM NOT MY BODY.

“Breath of Creation”- Acrylic on canvas by Maasa. http://www.maasa.ca

The Breath Of Creation

Come home Beloved to what is real so
You may know who You are.
Open the portal of your inner eye,
Be reconciled with your infinite nature.

The finite realm of Your outer world,
Has shrouded the ever expanding Universe within You.
The world of beginnings, endings and comparisons,
Is an illusion dreamt from a mind that has forgotten.

Remember my Beloved,
You began in the heart of the Great Creator.
You and all of Creation is an extension of
That which You are made of.
What, You may ask?

Your very making is inexhaustible Love.
It is the breath of Creation that gives life to all that Is.
In your dream You have forgotten that
You were made to remember.

The deep longing You feel can not be fulfilled by external means.
As long as you see Yourself separate from what You are,
Peace is a fleeting gift in the matrix of Your own making.

Come my Beloved, awaken and see
Yourself in the eyes of Another.
You are all of the same beneath the cloak of your individuation.

Awaken and be at peace forever. 

-Inspired by the teachings of A Course In Miracles. Written by Maasa

WHO IS THE FALSE SELF?

by Maasaisis

“When a brother perceives himself as sick, he is perceiving himself not as whole.”

– A Course in Miracles

The decision to be the author of my own story means that I must pay attention to who is writing the script. Is it the person who is trying to survive or is it the person choosing to live? For me, the difference is that one is making choices referring to the past and the latter is open to something new.

Close to two years ago I left the conventional medical system for the second time after my lumpectomy. The last bit of information I got was that cancer cells were found in one of my lymph nodes. I’ve solely relied on my inner barometer to gauge my wellbeing since then. I am choosing to live rather than being a survivor. This is no easy feat when my mind projects illusions and entices me to believe in them.

Discomfort is an opportunity for a course correction. Studying A Course In Miracles is teaching me that. My sole intention to share my interpretation of what I am learning is to encode it. Writing about what I’m practicing helps to create new circuits in my brain to reinforce how I want to live.

A Course In Miracles teaches us that we were created to co-create in the “image and likeness” of Source. We were given a mind to extend the love of that which we are made of. Yet we have such difficulties directing it to ourselves and unto others. That is how we became attached to the mind that creates our suffering.

In the boundless freedom to create, we created a mind that identifies only with itself- the false self. The ego mind separated from the unalterable nature of Source to serve its own identity. Its survival depends on us believing in its projections. The projections are based on comparisons because it sees itself apart from everything else. Comparisons lead to judgement, judgement leads to anger, anger leads to pain and the cycle of suffering affirms itself. This is the misperception that the ego miscreated to preserve its role as protector.

Ego refers to the past and chooses the best option for the present. It expands on what has worked for us and tries to protect us from what’s hurt us. This is how it attempts to secure a future but it’s based on the illusion that we need protection. Our ego takes the lead role in the story it writes. Until we recognize who is writing the story we can not change the script.

To heal is to correct the perception that I am broken. To heal is to be certain of who I am. To heal is to redirect my mind to love and reside in our infinite nature.

The greatest obstacle in my life became the greatest opportunity to know myself. To end the conflict with myself, I must recognize when my ego is obscuring my perception to believe in it. I’ve been practicing by paying attention to how I see others. My perception and cues from my feelings tell me if I’m offline or aligned with the divine. It takes a great amount of awareness but that is why it is a practice!

As an artist, I realize why I love to paint. It’s because I love my creations as an extension of Source. My heart informs my hands and my creation informs my mind of my true origin- there I find peace.

PS: My simple understanding of what I am learning in ACM is serving me. I have included Dr. Wapnick’s video to offer a broader view.

LESSON: AWARENESS IS KEY FOR SELF REALIZATION. PAY ATTENTION TO CUES!

“Creatrix” painting by Maasa- More info on http://www.maasa.ca

GOODBYE LUMP

by Maasaisis

“Perception is temporary. To know is to be certain. Uncertainty means that you do not know. Knowledge is power because it is certain, and certainty is strength.”

– Course In Miracles

There is a 3 inch horizontal scar below my armpit. I am relieved to see that my breast is still attractive even with the divot beneath the incision. Undergoing surgery in early Covid times granted me a quiet hospital with eager nurses to help. I was in the surgery room getting prepped within an hour upon arrival at the hospital.

I’d brought a box of chocolates from my home town with a paper crane that my daughter folded perched on top of it. My surgeon looked at me in surprise when I handed it to him. I locked into his gaze and said “Thank you for supporting my decision, I’m ready.”

I only had one request for my friends and family when they asked what they could do to help. I said, “I’ll text you when I’m about to go in for surgery. Please feel us all celebrating my life cancer free”. I had no doubt in my mind about the power of collective prayer and for once I was not shy to ask for help.

The calm from the center of me rippled out. My Beloved’s prayers were tangible as I slowly counted down from ten. I did not hesitate as I surrendered to the unconscious.

It is the strangest feeling to awaken and not know what you are awakening from. I looked down at my bandaged breast as the first wave of nausea surfaced from the deep. I searched my mind for some kind of clue, hoping there was a part of me that stayed awake to recount what had happened. What now?

I never saw that surgeon again. I did however receive a phone call from him a few days later. He told me that he got clear margins and had to take out two lymph nodes instead of the agreed upon one. He said that the enlarged node could not be accessed without taking out the other. “We tested them both…the extra one we took has cancer cells in it but the enlarged one doesn’t” he said.

I’d reached another turning point. The road had forked and had clearly shown me two paths. One led to a whole bunch of screening, testing and invasive treatments and the other led to where I don’t do any of that and continue to trust my own information. I chose the latter… again. Focusing on external solutions were not the answer for me. I sought for a revelation that could only be realized from the inside.

That was almost two years ago. I continue to be challenged by my own perceptions which are triggered by fear. I am still a student of life and my body is the learning tool in which to master my way of being. At this point I am certain that mind creates reality. When my body produces symptoms it is always the result of questioning what is true. That is why perception is always based on the temporary.

When I am aligned with truth nothing real in me can be threatened. When I succumb to fear the walls go up and I become a prisoner of my own making. I have become my own lab rat testing the field of consciousness. This body of mine is a temporary vessel in which to learn of the everlasting nature of my soul.

LESSON: NOTHING REAL CAN BE THREATENED

Above art by Maasa @ http://www.maasa.ca

The Break up

by Maasaisis

Covid had paralyzed the world by the time I decided to carve a piece of me out. I rewired my mindset which was hard set against any kind of medical intervention up until then. I was able to do so by giving value to everything I did up until that point. No, I wasn’t able to dissolve my tumour but I’d found the exact cause of my cancer and became a more authentic version of myself along the way.

Did I have to starve myself on grapes for 33 days, do the hard core Cold Sheet Treatment, undergo garlic enemas, endure Vipassana, write forgiveness letters, eat raw food, drink wheatgrass, pummel handfuls of herbs and supplements, take cold showers, wrap myself in castor oil, surrender my business and revisit every trauma I’ve had in my life only to cut out the problem after 7 months? Absolutely!

Even amidst the greatest challenge of my life, my new way of living lights up my soul. From that light I navigated my way. Healing came from the journey itself and it wasn’t just about Lump. I was no longer the same person I was before, it was evident in how I perceived life. Cancer sparked my spirit and revealed the sacredness of life. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it as long as I’m being true to myself. I paid attention to cues that came from a greater knowing and that’s how I chose to heal.

Hospitals had emptied in preparation for the pandemic to hit full throttle. Normal living became restricted and the “New Normal” became the norm. Faces disappeared behind masks, schools and businesses were shut down, and we were told to distance ourselves from everybody to stay “safe”. “Safety” became the slogan for every new rule and restriction.

I kept the virus from Wuhan on the outskirts of my periphery. My experience taught me that the thoughts that fill my head shapes my reality. It was imperative to keep my mindspace in a state that supported my wellbeing. The world went topsy turvy, so did my plan for surgery. I heard no word from the surgeons office so, I took it as a sign that it was not yet time to part ways with Lump.

I directed my focus to study German New Medicine. I marvelled, learning about the genius mechanism which makes up our biological system. Understanding that the body is always healing even when symptoms feel quite the opposite, reinforced trust in my body. My job was to assist it with this new understanding- to make sure I didn’t get hung up on the storyline that caused my body to do what it did. It was empowering to not be afraid of my tumour.

On April 20, 2020, In a particularly deep meditation I lovingly cut ties with my lump. It was a conscious uncoupling after an intense relationship which revealed aspects of myself that I now cherish. My heart was so vastly open- abundant with gratitude for the gifts that I’d received. I felt such a deep sense of peace in claiming this goodbye. I asked for a clear sign that my proclamation was heard by Supreme Intelligence.

I hadn’t received one call in regards to my surgery in 6 weeks. Sensing that my meditation was over I slowly opened my eyes- in that exact moment my phone rang. It was the surgeons office informing me that my surgery would be on April 27th. Stunned by the instant confirmation I wept in gratitude.

LESSON: THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS