I’m walking through the quiet forest with tears streaming down my face. This has become a regular occurrence since I’ve awoken from my emotional stupor. I am feeling connected to everything. The floodgates are wide open. Prior to my life with Cancer, crying was a rarity in my life. My “feelings” took a back seat to my optimal functioning.
Here I am, lingering in an embrace with a tree, weeping over my whole life’s worth of tears I was unable to shed. What’s happening to me? Am I able to feel because mortality is knocking at my door? Is this an opportunity to be awed by existence before I go? How did I become a human DOING instead of a human BEING? How did I miss all of this?
The day that I found out I was pregnant, I already knew that I would have my child at home. There was no fear. I was in wonder of my body’s ability to create a conscious being inside me. How could such a perfectly divine system fail when it came time for birthing? They call this mother wit; the presence of innate knowing. It was unshakable. I knew I could do it, even though I had never done it before.
I was only a few centimetres dilated after labouring all night. When the midwife suggested induction at the hospital, my survival mechanism directed me inward. It was time for a serious chat with my creation. Let’s get this going now babe, what do I need to do? I was spent from pacing around my house, groaning and swiveling my hips for hours on end. Exhausted as I was, I refused to throw in the towel. Common babe, we can do this!
A clear voice came through like a thunderbolt. Start bouncing! I responded immediately and that’s when things got rolling. I felt myself align with omnipotent energy. In an altered state, my entire existence hinged on staying present on every wave. I rode it out without anticipating where it would take me. I was suspended in time, fully engrossed in the sensations… I trusted the process. I didn’t let doubt in.
After an arduous labour, my girl popped her head out crushed against the crook of her elbow. I’ll never forget the look on the midwife’s face. “Maasa, I have to push the baby back in and rearrange her”. Without hesitation I said “Do it!” A higher knowing was piloting my experience. There was no questioning, only absolute certainty in what had to happen. Lanoa finally made her grand entrance after I birthed her twice. It was the most remarkable moment of my life.
It’s that same intrinsic wisdom guiding me now. I know everything is happening for my benefit, no matter what happens. It’s like I got amnesia and forgot who I am. I lost myself while I was busy presenting to the world. Maybe cancer is a process of remembrance? Maybe that’s why some call it the wisdom disease.
LESSON: TRUST MOTHERWIT