I’m walking through the quiet forest with tears streaming down my face. This has become a regular occurrence since I’ve awoken from my emotional stupor. I am feeling connected to everything. The floodgates are wide open. Prior to my life with Cancer, crying was a rarity in my life. My “feelings” took a back seat to my optimal functioning.
Here I am, lingering in an embrace with a tree, weeping over my whole life’s worth of tears I was unable to shed. What’s happening to me? Am I able to feel because mortality is knocking at my door? Is this an opportunity to be awed by existence before I go? How did I become a human DOING instead of a human BEING? How did I miss all of this?
The day that I found out I was pregnant, I already knew that I would have my child at home. There was no fear. I was in wonder of my body’s ability to create a conscious being inside me. How could such a perfectly divine system fail when it came time for birthing? They call this mother wit; the presence of innate knowing. It was unshakable. I knew I could do it, even though I had never done it before.
I was only a few centimetres dilated after labouring all night. When the midwife suggested induction at the hospital, my survival mechanism directed me inward. It was time for a serious chat with my creation. Let’s get this going now babe, what do I need to do? I was spent from pacing around my house, groaning and swiveling my hips for hours on end. Exhausted as I was, I refused to throw in the towel. Common babe, we can do this!
A clear voice came through like a thunderbolt. Start bouncing! I responded immediately and that’s when things got rolling. I felt myself align with omnipotent energy. In an altered state, my entire existence hinged on staying present on every wave. I rode it out without anticipating where it would take me. I was suspended in time, fully engrossed in the sensations… I trusted the process. I didn’t let doubt in.
After an arduous labour, my girl popped her head out crushed against the crook of her elbow. I’ll never forget the look on the midwife’s face. “Maasa, I have to push the baby back in and rearrange her”. Without hesitation I said “Do it!” A higher knowing was piloting my experience. There was no questioning, only absolute certainty in what had to happen. Lanoa finally made her grand entrance after I birthed her twice. It was the most remarkable moment of my life.
It’s that same intrinsic wisdom guiding me now. I know everything is happening for my benefit, no matter what happens. It’s like I got amnesia and forgot who I am. I lost myself while I was busy presenting to the world. Maybe cancer is a process of remembrance? Maybe that’s why some call it the wisdom disease.
LESSON: TRUST MOTHERWIT
4 thoughts on “Motherwit”
Wow Maasa, thank you for your raw and honest words. Really touching and reminds me to look after my heart.
Thanks for reading Anna!
Dearest Maasa, I am in tears as listen to you speak. Your experience and insights resonate so very deeply and are very enlightening. Thank you for sharing!!! I bow my head in love and deep gratitude for you!!!
Thank you so much for your warm words! It’s encouraging to receive feedback. Thank you for taking the time to read it!