Living For what is possible

No matter how strong my belief is, when another human being looks me in the eyes and tells me that my life may be shortened due to my choices, I still have to brace myself for the impact.

After being MIA from the medical system for three years I found myself in the same building, on the same floor, where the first surgeon I met a week after my initial diagnosis told me that I should remove my breast. Perhaps I was naive in thinking that this visit in a different room, with a different surgeon would be any different.

Now, I have three lumps in my breast. Each with it’s own characteristic and story of how it came to be. These stories were confirmed by a CT scan of my brain.

I needed absolute proof of the foundation in which I based my understanding of disease and from which I live my life. Everything I learned from German New Medicine makes solid, intellectual sense to me but having wisdom is different from gaining knowledge. Wisdom is a bunch of information but knowledge is to KNOW and to live from that knowing. It was time to bridge the gap and it had to be done by looking at my brain.

My husband was initially horrified when I told him that if I didn’t see lesions in my brain I would be devastated. As usual after giving him my long winded explanation, he fortified my decision with his unwavering support. Grace united me with a man who has the super power to put all his faith in me even if he doesn’t understand why. This is the power of love that binds us in the tight knot that keeps us together through the wildest of times.

Dr. Hamer, the founder of GNM, discovered that when we unexpectedly smash into trauma, a biological program instantly sets in motion. There is a physical imprint that appears in the brain which has a correlating response to a body part to optimize our survival. I’ve talked about this in my other posts ( “German New Medicine” and “I Got My Why”) so I’ll get back on my point about this brain scan of mine. If what Dr. Hamer discovered was true, there should be concentric circles in my brain.

The location of the circles found in my brain would not only tell me what specific part of my body is affected, it would also tell me where I’m at with my healing. Depending on the quality of the circles I’d know if I’ve resolved my trauma or if I’m still triggered somehow. I’ve had my suspicion that there are two programs running in my breast- a ductal program and glandular program. Both programs started shortly after the shocking discovery of my beloved friend’s death. I hoped and expected to see circular marks in my sensory cortex which correlates to ductal program and/or in my cerebellum for the glandular program.

The proof is definitely in the pudding. I found a GNM specialist in Croatia who’d studied under Dr. Hamer himself. I’d sent images of my non-contrast CT brain scan and he proceeded to read my story from what he saw. He showed me the circles that confirmed everything that I’d learned. My emotional scars were literally imprinted into my brain and I fell apart at the sight of it. He told me I was in a “hanging healing” which meant that the story was not yet finished.

The landscape of my brain with patterns of circles is a map of my life. It showed where I’d been, why I was there, what’s been healed and what wants to be healed. I wanted to see that all my conflicts were resolved but my lumps behaved otherwise.

I was ebbing between healing and undoing my healing because my mind would feel safe and then not. This is why my lumps morph into various sizes and shapes depending on what is happening in my head. I’d been existing in the in between place where convictions of GNM went head to head against the powerful collective belief that cancer equals death. Every time someone I cared about died of cancer it echoed in my breast.

It’s time to shit or get off the pot. I can’t exist swaying in the in between place any more. Now that I have proof in my own experience, I must empower myself with the knowledge of GNM and live it fully. The specialist in Croatia told me that programs are not designed to be running for long periods of time. By looking at the qualities of my circles he could tell that I’d been in a hanging healing for a long time. Even if I resolved my programs he didn’t think the lumps would go away on their own. It would most likely become benign and sit still like a stone.

So, there I was again sitting in that same building a few doors down on the same floor I was in years ago. Sitting across from me is a man with eyes that makes me feel at ease. This surgeon is very open minded and respectful. He does not drill me with questions of why I have left these lumps for so long. It was a big deal for me to cross the threshold and step into a system that is built on treating symptoms. I’d finally reached the point where I accepted that I only had two choices. To live with the discomfort of these lumps or to see what my options were to take them out.

I was hoping for a miracle- that a skilled surgeon could just scoop out the lumps and maybe I’d have 75% of my breast left which I could live with. The choices given to me were all the same as the first time- have at least half lopped off, the whole thing, or both just for extra measure. I was not interested in having anything foreign in there so reconstruction was off the table. If I took the half option there would be a cliff that drops down to nothing next to my nipple and there could be nerve damage that could affect my arm. I’m told my chances are better with treatments of radiation and chemo but I don’t believe him. My last choice is to take hormone drugs for at least six months to see if it would even work. This drug has a list of potential side affects that makes me think of the game “Whack A Mole”.

When I declined all the options that the surgeon gave me, he couldn’t let me leave without respectfully giving me his professional opinion. I steadied myself for the blow. It took me three days to realign with knowledge to shake off his words of doom but I got there. I returned to gratitude. I am here, I am healthy, and I am living my best life. That’s the thing with practice, it’s like coming home over and over again.

The body is a healing machine when the mind breaks free from what has happened. Human beings are designed to exist in the present moment. When we get stuck in the past we create a future from our imprints rather than creating a possibility of something new. My right breast is an artifact of what has happened and what is possible. I am living for what is possible.

LESSON: MY BODY IS A HEALING MACHINE.