Becoming Who I Already Am

Two days ago I began my 46th cycle around the sun. Being well into the second half of my life I am more interested in how I want to be rather than what I want to be. I’m constantly calling myself out these days. The result of it is that I really can’t take myself too seriously. My pride is such an ego-driven maniac that all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of its righteousness and forgive myself for it. The ego always speaks loudly first in its projectile nature.

I imagine what the world would look like when the invisible line that separates every one of us finally dissipates. What would happen if we all woke up one morning and unzipped our bodies to reveal the sameness in us? Perhaps you’d think that’s boring…but what if we finally found what we were looking for?

This incessant need to fill up life with things and achievements means nothing when we are gone. We only take with us what we’ve always been. The competitiveness, the comparisons, the good and the bad drive us mad. We create our own hell from our own projections and choose to stay there. We do-do-do on the outside when what we really want is peacefully waiting for us to turn in.

These two lumps of mine remind me that I have a choice. I can choose fear and live in hell or I can choose to be free of it. Every moment gives me the opportunity to choose. Fear can be crippling. It shapeshifts to denial and regret which amplifies its power to make me forget that I always have a choice.

I’ve been drawn to the philosophy of Stoicism as of late. The attraction lies in the practice of attention and redirection- to focus on letting go of what we can’t control and directing the mind to the things that we can. I can control my perspective, observations, and actions. So I ask myself ” Am I ok right now?”

Since the ego exists in time it’s obsessed with the future. It replies “Yes I’m ok right now but I might not be later”. Then it creates the most elaborate house of terrors and throws me in. If I can catch the spinning of this tale and tell myself the truth, “yes, I feel super healthy. I’m functioning. Everything is working just fine” then I’m free to live another day.

I’ve been doing this for three and a half years. The ego can only exist as the body. It traps and attaches everything to this suit that I’m wearing on the outside. It keeps everything on the surface, wants to be perfect and live forever. The ego always makes judgments to impose itself onto others to prove itself right. It does not and will never recognize the sameness in us that connects us all which is eternal. So I’m on the lookout to catch the clues to know when I’m not of sound mind.

I will not disrespect the fine suit I’m in and be reckless. This suit is what I’ve got -to learn the lessons I need so I can let it go when the time comes. I must love it, care for it, create from it and spring life from it until then.

Earl Nightingale said, “We become what we think about”. I know this to be true because my life reflects my state of mind. There is no good or bad there just IS. I just happen to have some speed bumps on the contour of my breast that is presently not causing me ill health. It’s a constant letting go of how my breast used to be and my dream about that.

I’m working on being more receptive, less projective, and more grateful. It really is tragically funny how fucking difficult that is. That’s why I really need a sense of humor with an unlimited resource of love and forgiveness to wake up to become who I already AM.