“The purpose of our journey on this precious Earth is now to align our personalities with our souls. It is to create harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life. It is to grow spiritually. This is our new evolutionary pathway.
– GaryZukav author of “The Seat Of The Soul”
Pumping my pedals with power and exhilaration, I’m biking up the mountain through the temple of forested trees. I’m in my sanctuary doing what I love. My entire body swells with gratitude for being able to celebrate my health in such a tangible way. I’m keeping up with my best friend and husband while my heart pumps in rhythm to soul moving music. I’m imbued in the expansive field of a perfect experience.
Then it happens….
What if I’m really not ok?What if I don’t have much time?
This is how my ego hijacks my joy. It not only believes in the finite perceptions it has created, it also needs to sustain it for its survival. It says,” Nothing good lasts forever…”
I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s coming and I don’t want to know. I’m afraid because I want to keep this moment and feel threatened by how good it feels.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’d fallen into versions of the “what if?” drama. Today I catch myself and rather than pedalling through it, I ask Al to stop.
“There’s a bench right up ahead, let’s take a break there,” he says.
I used to withhold my struggles from my beloved, believing I was saving him from the weight of it. I stopped doing that because I learned that rich experience don’t always shine. Sometimes the density of life’s attack is what gives us the opportunity to grow. Sometimes we just need to wriggle in the mess before we can move forward.
Sitting down onto the worn down bench and sensing that I’m about to say something, he looks at me expectantly.
“I got the attack of the funk,” I say. He knows exactly what I mean and readies himself for what’s coming. He looks into me. We are deeply connected, cocooned in the quiet cathedral of trees. The sun rays are sparkling between the spaces in which they stand. It is majestically beautiful.
My outer senses are clashing against my inner conflict while I try to put together what I’m about to say.
“I’m angry because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here…”
“Neither do I but we are here now babe.” he says.
He holds me in his response. The grip of fear eases off by giving it a voice and a witness for it to be heard. Mortality is such an isolating feeling- it amplifies that we are separate and alone which is not true. Mortality is the illusion of the false self that identifies itself with the body. I will exist even when my body is gone. I will go on.
LESSON: I AM NOT MY BODY.
The Breath Of Creation
Come home Beloved to what is real so You may know who You are. Open the portal of your inner eye, Be reconciled with your infinite nature.
The finite realm of Your outer world, Has shrouded the ever expanding Universe within You. The world of beginnings, endings and comparisons, Is an illusion dreamt from a mind that has forgotten.
Remember my Beloved, You began in the heart of the Great Creator. You and all of Creation is an extension of That which You are made of. What, You may ask?
Your very making is inexhaustible Love. It is the breath of Creation that gives life to all that Is. In your dream You have forgotten that You were made to remember.
The deep longing You feel can not be fulfilled by external means. As long as you see Yourself separate from what You are, Peace is a fleeting gift in the matrix of Your own making.
Come my Beloved, awaken and see Yourself in the eyes of Another. You are all of the same beneath the cloak of your individuation.
Awaken and be at peace forever.
-Inspired by the teachings of A Course In Miracles. Written by Maasa
“When a brother perceives himself as sick, he is perceiving himself not as whole.”
– A Course in Miracles
The decision to be the author of my own story means that I must pay attention to who is writing the script. Is it the person who is trying to survive or is it the person choosing to live? For me, the difference is that one is making choices referring to the past and the latter is open to something new.
Close to two years ago I left the conventional medical system for the second time after my lumpectomy. The last bit of information I got was that cancer cells were found in one of my lymph nodes. I’ve solely relied on my inner barometer to gauge my wellbeing since then. I am choosing to live rather than being a survivor. This is no easy feat when my mind projects illusions and entices me to believe in them.
Discomfort is an opportunity for a course correction. Studying A Course In Miracles is teaching me that. My sole intention to share my interpretation of what I am learning is to encode it. Writing about what I’m practicing helps to create new circuits in my brain to reinforce how I want to live.
A Course In Miracles teaches us that we were created to co-create in the “image and likeness” of Source. We were given a mind to extend the love of that which we are made of. Yet we have such difficulties directing it to ourselves and unto others. That is how we became attached to the mind that creates our suffering.
In the boundless freedom to create, we created a mind that identifies only with itself- the false self. The ego mind separated from the unalterable nature of Source to serve its own identity. Its survival depends on us believing in its projections. The projections are based on comparisons because it sees itself apart from everything else. Comparisons lead to judgement, judgement leads to anger, anger leads to pain and the cycle of suffering affirms itself. This is the misperception that the ego miscreated to preserve its role as protector.
Ego refers to the past and chooses the best option for the present. It expands on what has worked for us and tries to protect us from what’s hurt us. This is how it attempts to secure a future but it’s based on the illusion that we need protection. Our ego takes the lead role in the story it writes. Until we recognize who is writing the story we can not change the script.
To heal is to correct the perception that I am broken. To heal is to be certain of who I am. To heal is to redirect my mind to love and reside in our infinite nature.
The greatest obstacle in my life became the greatest opportunity to know myself. To end the conflict with myself, I must recognize when my ego is obscuring my perception to believe in it. I’ve been practicing by paying attention to how I see others. My perception and cues from my feelings tell me if I’m offline or aligned with the divine. It takes a great amount of awareness but that is why it is a practice!
As an artist, I realize why I love to paint. It’s because I love my creations as an extension of Source. My heart informs my hands and my creation informs my mind of my true origin- there I find peace.
PS: My simple understanding of what I am learning in ACM is serving me. I have included Dr. Wapnick’s video to offer a broader view.
LESSON: AWARENESS IS KEY FOR SELF REALIZATION. PAY ATTENTION TO CUES!
“Perception is temporary. To know is to be certain. Uncertainty means that you do not know. Knowledge is power because it is certain, and certainty is strength.”
– Course In Miracles
There is a 3 inch horizontal scar below my armpit. I am relieved to see that my breast is still attractive even with the divot beneath the incision. Undergoing surgery in early Covid times granted me a quiet hospital with eager nurses to help. I was in the surgery room getting prepped within an hour upon arrival at the hospital.
I’d brought a box of chocolates from my home town with a paper crane that my daughter folded perched on top of it. My surgeon looked at me in surprise when I handed it to him. I locked into his gaze and said “Thank you for supporting my decision, I’m ready.”
I only had one request for my friends and family when they asked what they could do to help. I said, “I’ll text you when I’m about to go in for surgery. Please feel us all celebrating my life cancer free”. I had no doubt in my mind about the power of collective prayer and for once I was not shy to ask for help.
The calm from the center of me rippled out. My Beloved’s prayers were tangible as I slowly counted down from ten. I did not hesitate as I surrendered to the unconscious.
It is the strangest feeling to awaken and not know what you are awakening from. I looked down at my bandaged breast as the first wave of nausea surfaced from the deep. I searched my mind for some kind of clue, hoping there was a part of me that stayed awake to recount what had happened. What now?
I never saw that surgeon again. I did however receive a phone call from him a few days later. He told me that he got clear margins and had to take out two lymph nodes instead of the agreed upon one. He said that the enlarged node could not be accessed without taking out the other. “We tested them both…the extra one we took has cancer cells in it but the enlarged one doesn’t” he said.
I’d reached another turning point. The road had forked and had clearly shown me two paths. One led to a whole bunch of screening, testing and invasive treatments and the other led to where I don’t do any of that and continue to trust my own information. I chose the latter… again. Focusing on external solutions were not the answer for me. I sought for a revelation that could only be realized from the inside.
That was almost two years ago. I continue to be challenged by my own perceptions which are triggered by fear. I am still a student of life and my body is the learning tool in which to master my way of being. At this point I am certain that mind creates reality. When my body produces symptoms it is always the result of questioning what is true. That is why perception is always based on the temporary.
When I am aligned with truth nothing real in me can be threatened. When I succumb to fear the walls go up and I become a prisoner of my own making. I have become my own lab rat testing the field of consciousness. This body of mine is a temporary vessel in which to learn of the everlasting nature of my soul.
Ductal Carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast. I put on my detective hat and worked backwards from my KNOW to my WHY with help from a GNM practitioner.
GNM’s process of ascertaining the conflict that initiates a particular program is based on biological science and relies heavily on Embryology. A persons handedness (if you are innately right-handed or left-handed) is determined the moment the first cell divides after conception. Dr. Hamer discovered that the brain to organ relay corresponds to the 3 germ layers of which all organs and tissues originate from. Organs of the same germ layer are controlled by the same part of the brain which determines the symptoms.
A person’s handedness and the affected tissue/organ gives us clues to discover what conflict program is running. By understanding the program, we are able to gauge where the body is at in the healing process. For myself, it was vitally important to pinpoint the exact trauma that caused my cells to proliferate and consciously assist my body back to homeostasis.
The right and left side of body correlates to Mother/Child and Partner related conflicts depending on your handedness. A “partner” refers to anybody else except your mother or child. What peaked my interest is how the subconscious relates to the conflict is of importance for the detective work. For example, if a partner initiates a “Separation Conflict”, the individual’s subconscious could trigger the mother side if it relates the incident in association with his or her mother. GNM is a not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with your inner workings.
The Principle of Laterality is one of the 5 Biological Laws that German New Medicine is based upon. A right handed person like myself, responds to a partner conflict on the right side of the body and to a mother/child conflict with the left side of the body. The left handed person would experience the opposite. This rule applies to all organs that are controlled by the cerebellum, cerebral medulla, and cerebral cortex (with some exceptions that I won’t get into in this post.) Laterality does not apply to oragans/tissues that operate from the brainstem.
Here’s what I discovered: Ductal Carcinoma is a “Separation Conflict” program. It is experienced as a loved one torn from the breast through an unexpected ending of a relationship. This program also correlates to wantingto separate due to a sudden conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, ect. Since my tumour was on my right side and I’m right handed, my first clue was that it had nothing to do with my mother or daughter.
The moment I experienced this conflict concentric circles appeared as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because the right breast is controlled by the left side. In my case there was a cross over correlation from the brain to the organ.
” I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your breast. This person did something that shocked you.” said the GNM consultant.
I’d spent 7 months cleaning our my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with but none fit the bill. I went through my memory catalogue unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. So much so that my breath caught, my heart stilled and the blood drained from my face. “Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it.” she said.
How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with everything else except for the ONE! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away for the sake of my safety.
“Looking at the size of your tumour, I’d guess this conflict lasted for about 3 months?” she said. Stunned, I nodded my head.
As I write this I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I know this because I had the ability to pick up the worm and hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk. I saw a creature made of the earth with it own story and place in the world. I was able to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.
Everything in me told me not to hire her. My gut twisted in knots and stories about her from past employers gave me the heebie jeebies. My spa was in full swing and I desperately needed another Esthetician. I was already working around the clock running the business as well as a maintaining a full clientele base as a practitioner. When she applied for the job my aversion to her from working with her from another spa surfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited her in- deciding to take the high road.
I used my uncertainly as fuel to overcome my judgement towards her. After all, she never did anything to me directly… I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was growing as a business owner, I had the opportunity to grow as a person as well.
My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great skills and clients were happy with her service so I held fast to that. I allowed my mothering instincts to take over and as a result she opened up to me as I did to her. I thought that I did the right thing…It’s only in looking back from where I’m now that I know for certain that I did the right thing because it was the catalyst for my evolution.
After a couple months of employment she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late November I ended up in emergency feeling like my guts were being ripped out from the inside.
Knowing GNM now, what I had was an “indigestible morsel conflict” – a situation I just couldn’t swallow which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate. I just didn’t know how to deal with her unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck in a rock and hard place doing my best to accommodate 9 staff members in the midst of my turmoil.
My core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was my priority to treat them well in a business where typically staff came and went. She was the new addition and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.
She approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee disclosed information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position. What she supposedly shared was against our code of ethics.
The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any of my employees would do such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event that ultimately came to my undoing. What I discovered was that this woman who I took in against my better judgement had fabricated a whole story- with fake texts and emails to try and get my long term staff member fired.
Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole process was such a mind f@$k because I chose to trust my intuition and not the evidence to dig for truth. To my horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like it’s coming from someone when it’s not. The evidence that this girl showed me to frame my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents to support it, she was the one who was trying to jump ship.
As I put the pieces together I felt sick to my stomach… expensive items had mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to think that an employee would steal from me. I can never prove it but my gut knew… I felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my instinct. Upon her immediate termination I received official looking emails from her lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability to make fraudulent documents to serve her cause but I had no way to know if they were for real or not.
Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to open my inbox. My heart raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court?What if she shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of what GNM calls Conflict Active Phase. The emails went on…the conflict continued…
Why? Why would she do this? It took about 3 months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.
In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me?Maybe the hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way… if that’s the case doesn’t she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her deep in my subconscious because when she resurfaced I could not for the life of me remember her name.
During those 3 months of Conflict Active phase, I lost cells in my milk ducts in proportion to the duration and intensity of wanting to separate from her. The biological purpose of milk ducts losing cells is a primitive survival response to widen the ducts. There was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical milk. It opened up the passage for milk to drain out so that the area would not get congested and cause infection.
Once the conflict was resolved, my healing phase began by making new cells in the area where there was tissue loss to make the area stronger. This cell proliferation is diagnosedas Ductal Carcinoma- as “abnormal cell activity”. The growing of these particular cells act differently as normal cells so the body can recognize it healing and assist it’s process.
The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumour only grew by 2mm in 6 months was because my cells proliferated to the degree of my conflict and it was done growing. It was done because my conflict was not reactivated. Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to my why. I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered Lump.
I stood in the forest clearing and screamed into battle. Gripping my invisible Samurai sword I slashed viciously with tears blinding my swollen eyes. The primordial, shrilling, shriek awakened the beast that lay dormant inside.
That morning, I faltered. I did what I had consciously avoided the previous times I had the bout with my eyes. In Google’s search engine I wrote- Breast Cancer/ Eyes. My heart seized as pages linked to Ocular Metastasis. It was as if I stood in the middle of a frozen lake- terrified by the sound of ice snapping. The resounding chorus of cracking threatened the very structure of what held me up. My entire approach to healing came apart at the seams.
My 5th round with Rocky Balboa Eyes was by far the worst. I called them so, because I looked like I got my face pummeled by the Champ himself. My practice of loving myself was confronted by the grotesque face that looked back at me in the mirror. I felt defeated, exhausted, and utterly lost.
I had relentlessly dedicated myself to a deeper human experience- trusting that by doing so, I would ultimately heal. I had rigorously detoxed, renounced pleasures, fueled my body solely on live foods, resolutely practiced my healing protocols, and held fast to my spiritual rituals.
I accepted my circumstance and believed in the higher purpose of the challenges I faced. I gave way for my true self to crawl out of the shell of the old predictable self. Yet, 6 months later…I still had my lump and had potentially made my condition worse. I felt like a fool.
The beast that had leapt out of me was Anger. I didn’t even know I harbored such a gastly thing until it exploded out. The compulsion to “take the high road” was usually an automatic response. In the past, the impulse to overcome anger and convert it to something useful had been ingrained. Anger is not productive, it’s ugly- it doesn’t solve anything- it’s just a waste of energy…
My rage emerged like the Incredible Hulk. I felt robbed of my life. Everything I had endured and deprived myself of was a joke. Accepting failure after trying so hard made me livid! I wanted to freak out, go on a drinking binge, drown myself in Ecstacy- escape reality, bathe in debauchery and rebel against the unfairness of life. Is there no meaning to anything?Did I seriously just get a shitty break and this is it?Should I have submitted to being butchered? “Fuck You Universe!” that was where I was at!
Bending over, I pressed my hands into my thighs while catching my breath. Heaving from my outburst, I felt it slip away. The crazed beast subsided and in its place was emptiness. The lesson from Anger was yet another example of what was left unfelt. There is no wasted emotion- all feelings collaborate in making us human.
In “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress”: Gabor Mate- MD and author, reveals the common thread between chronic disease and stress. Working in palliative care, he found that there is a physiological link between the body’s systems and our coping mechanism to manage negative emotions. Life experiences from an early age condition us to suppress what we feel or to override it in order to function. By doing so, there is a ripple effect causing a biological consequence. Maintaining my composure throughout my life may have been the root cause of my undoing…
I was due to leave for Vipassana the following week. I laughed at the absurdity of voluntarily choosing to sit with myself in silence for 10 days...especially at such a time. Pandora’s box had been opened…
Maybe things fall apart in order to be put back together in a better way. A solid structure can’t be built on a shoddy foundation. In order to regenerate my system I decided to start with a meticulous deep clean of my insides. I instinctively responded to my diagnosis by going on an alkaline diet. As a health professional I knew that inflammation is the leading cause of disease. Dismissing foods that are acidic in nature seemed like the rational thing to do. I stopped eating meat, dairy, grains, beans, nuts, seeds and gluten. I needed to go deeper…
Synchronicities became more acute as I utilized my intuition like a tuning fork. It was clear to me that I needed professional guidance for a complete detox protocol. I didn’t want to get bombarded via internet research and get caught up in the vortex of vast opinions and contradictions. I wanted a direct line through someone who had experienced results. I put it out to the Powers Be to set me up.
I don’t believe in coincidences. I bumped into a friend of mine who introduced me to the work of Dr. Robert Morse-a naturopathic physician, biochemist, iridologist and master herbalist. Like myself, Amanda had been primarily on a Paleo/ Keto type diet for many years. After discovering Dr. Morse she switched to a high fruit and raw food diet. Within a couple of months, she miraculously reversed Hashimoto autoimmune disease. She also cured Babesiosis-a parasitic infection in the red blood cells that caused her a host of issues. I hadn’t seen her in a while…the last time I saw her she was run down and not doing so well. There, in the produce section with a basket full of colourful fruit she exuded radiance. The proof was in the pudding.
In a YouTube episode about breast cancer, Dr. Morse laid out my action plan in under 5 min. I liked him immediately. He spoke with conviction and with heart- simply explaining the process of disease as cause and effect. Rather than treating the symptom, he addresses the cause through detoxification and alkalization. In 1972 Dr. Morse walked his talk by going on a 6 month orange fast, experiencing first hand the profound benefits of detoxing. The evidence is in his own experience, along with thousands of people who cured their illness by using his protocol.
He says disease is a state of acidosis-a buildup of waste in our system. He emphasizes the vital importance of functional elimination to repair the body. The lymphatic system acts like the body’s septic system, carrying waste to the kidneys to be filtered out. An overload of toxins and cellular waste material backs up the lymph channel. That’s what can cause lumps and bumps- when waste has nowhere to go. If the kidneys are not functioning properly to get the garbage out…well…we get a shit show. That’s what disease is…
Dr. Morse doesn’t perceive cancer as a death sentence. He encourages us to understand the process of disease-to take responsibility for our health issues and get to work. I love that he put the onus on me. He says first repair, then rebuild, then regenerate. I got going on the grapes.
Animals fast when they are sick because it takes energy to digest food. When the body is compromised, energy must be diverted to the immune, lymphatic and endocrine systems to restore the body back to homeostasis. What I learned was that amino acids build tissue and sustains most bodily functions. Proteins from animals take a lot of energy to break down into usable amino acids. Fruits and veggies have simple amino acids that’s easy for the body to utilize while detoxing. That’s probably why most holistic cancer clinics promote plant based diets for their patients.
In 1927 Johanna Brandt left her home in South Africa with a mission to bring the Grape Cure to America. She discovered that the foods she ate had an effect on the progression and remission of her cancer. After much experimentation on herself, Brandt cured her stomach cancer fasting on grapes. Why grapes? Grapes have a ton of antioxidants to protect cells from free radical damage. Resveratrol in the skin of grapes has shown to be effective in detoxing lymph and kidneys. I bowed down to the queen of fruit and made my commitment.
I ate grapes, grapes and more grapes for 33 days. When I got sick of plunking the plump, fruit into my mouth, I got creative. I made grape slushies, pressed it into juice, and even transformed them into frozen treats. I stayed on course because my life depended on it. Yes, it was hard at first but mortality is a great motivator. I altered my perception of food. I ate for no other reason than to heal.
It simplified my life to not have to think about what to eat. After I got over the hump of the first week, I experienced a radical shift. I calibrated to a higher frequency. I felt elevated… light…like a machine running on clean, boundless energy. My senses became more acute, thoughts were crisp and spacious. I was in love with life.
Dr Morse recommends staying on the fast until the tongue is healthy pink, and the kidneys filtering optimally. By the third day my tongue was coated in black mucus. The sludge coming out the other end was gasp-worthy. Both my bathrooms were equipped with mason jars to inspect my urine. Clear pee indicated that the kidneys were not filtering properly. Cloudy pee with sediment was what I was after. I went for several sessions of colonics to flush out my bowels. What can I say…nothing like being probed in the buttholio to keep it real.
It took 33 days to get clean. I followed Dr. Morse’s recommendation to break the fast by introducing other fruits one at a time. For every three days of fasting- a day of fruit, which meant I’d be a fruitarian for an extra 10 days. After 43 days I’d lost 30 pounds- Al had nothing to grab onto when he reached for my ass. In exchange for the weight lost, I’d gained a whole lot of insight. I was intimately connected to myself-solid on my path.