The light recedes towards the darkness as the days get shorter and the air feels colder. There is a familiar melancholy felt in trading the bursting days of summer to the inward coiling of the long winter months ahead. Perhaps that is why I feel so tired, so very tired of the discipline it takes to live my life the way I have chosen to live it.
Faith is a fire that needs regular tending to so it won’t go out. If I let the fire go out I’m not sure I can exist in the dark. For the last 3 months I’ve had relapses of what I experienced early on in my healing journey. My eyes… the physical portal from which I perceive is the door between my mind and the outside world. I’ve had round after round of what I call the Rocky Balboa eyes because when it’s bad it looks like double shiners.
The first time it happened was after my 33 day grape fast three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I’ve relied 100% on my inner compass to show me the way. Around that time my compass was spinning round and round leading me nowhere. Not knowing what to do next to “fix” what I thought was broken left me very vulnerable to the onslaught of fear.
My biological response to “not being able to see my way forward” was for my eyes to produce more tear fluid to aid my sight to see better. My tear producing glands worked overtime swelling up to the degree of my mental funckery. The tear drainage ducts plug up from too much pressure and there I have Rocky Balboa eyes.
Not knowing what I know now, at the time I thought the cancer metastasized into my eyes which only made my symptons worse. The light of my faith was but a flicker so I signed up for Vipassana and found a way to stoke my fire.
I haven’t had a relapse until I decided to get a MRI diagnostic this summer. Two lumps appeared beneath the scar of my lumpectomy shortly after the shocking death of a beloved sister. We had instantly connected through the same diagnosis and similar approach to healing. She too had been following her inner compass to heal her spirit in order to heal her body. God connected us at a time we needed each other the most. Her sudden death and in which I found out about it was a blow I was totally unprepared for. If she died following her compass what does that mean for me?
After grieving her death for months I noticed small nodules developing under my scar. As a student of German New Medicine I had no doubt that it was in response to my shock. I won’t get into the biological science of what happened as I have written about in the past. It’s one thing to have the knowledge, it’s entirely another beast to actually practice it when we are taught to fear our symptoms. It’s no easy feat to over ride synapses that have been wiring and firing through indoctrination.
I’ve had these lumps now for a year. During that time I’ve lost numerous friends to cancer. The last time someone looked inside was over two years ago when I had my lumpectomy. At the time I was told cancer was in one of my lymph nodes. Rather than doing the recommend testing and treatments I followed my compass again. I am my own test subject. Deciding on getting a MRI was the biggest gamble to see if my faith was placed in the hands of God or in the hands of ignorance and stupidity.
In the month leading up to the MRI my eyes blew up. To have this relentless episode revisit me at that time was the cruelest of confirmations that my body responds to my mind. My life was put on hold. I couldn’t plan anything past what I would potentially find from that screening. I couldn’t “see” my way forward.
In the tunnel of the rumbling, white machine I prayed with all my might. I was stuck in an in-between place between faith and accepting my fate. What would I do if I was deadly wrong all this time? Maybe my next lesson would be ultimate humility.
The ten days waiting for the results was accompanied by my eyes mirroring my internal struggle. It takes so much discipline to choose faith rather than give up. I think I am hardwired to believe that I’m being supported by a greater power than myself, otherwise I could not live this life. I thank the Creator for creating me this way.
What the MRI revealed was not what I hoped for but it did restore power in my faith. What I wanted to know was if the lumps in my breast are proliferating or benign. This would tell me if my body is still in survival mode or if that “program” has been resolved. I was urged further testing and poking around to know for certain. I’m not going down that road right now.
What I did find out is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body. If I believed that cancer in the lymph led to the spreading of cancer elsewhere, it would have been all over the place after two years. That confirmation is enough to keep me going even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. My concern is not that cancer will spread. The body biologically responds to trauma as a survival mechanism. My job is to be aware enough to downgrade it so the symptoms won’t become life threatening.
Since then, my eyes continue to oscillate between swelling and receding. Like a tide going in and out-I ebb in the realm of faith. I have clues to why this is happening but I’m still in the midst of figuring it out. Every-time I look at myself I think I’m triggering the cycle. Body follows mind and mind follows body too. I’m stuck in a feedback loop of all that I’ve gone through and still having to go through. I don’t know why I’m the way that I am. It’s not easy putting all my eggs in a basket that can’t be seen. That’s why it’s called faith.
LESSON: CONFIRMATIONS DON’T ALWAYS COME IN WAYS THAT ARE PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE CONFIRMATIONS NONE THE LESS.
“The purpose of our journey on this precious Earth is now to align our personalities with our souls. It is to create harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life. It is to grow spiritually. This is our new evolutionary pathway.
– GaryZukav author of “The Seat Of The Soul”
Pumping my pedals with power and exhilaration, I’m biking up the mountain through the temple of forested trees. I’m in my sanctuary doing what I love. My entire body swells with gratitude for being able to celebrate my health in such a tangible way. I’m keeping up with my best friend and husband while my heart pumps in rhythm to soul moving music. I’m imbued in the expansive field of a perfect experience.
Then it happens….
What if I’m really not ok?What if I don’t have much time?
This is how my ego hijacks my joy. It not only believes in the finite perceptions it has created, it also needs to sustain it for its survival. It says,” Nothing good lasts forever…”
I’m afraid because I don’t know what’s coming and I don’t want to know. I’m afraid because I want to keep this moment and feel threatened by how good it feels.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’d fallen into versions of the “what if?” drama. Today I catch myself and rather than pedalling through it, I ask Al to stop.
“There’s a bench right up ahead, let’s take a break there,” he says.
I used to withhold my struggles from my beloved, believing I was saving him from the weight of it. I stopped doing that because I learned that rich experience don’t always shine. Sometimes the density of life’s attack is what gives us the opportunity to grow. Sometimes we just need to wriggle in the mess before we can move forward.
Sitting down onto the worn down bench and sensing that I’m about to say something, he looks at me expectantly.
“I got the attack of the funk,” I say. He knows exactly what I mean and readies himself for what’s coming. He looks into me. We are deeply connected, cocooned in the quiet cathedral of trees. The sun rays are sparkling between the spaces in which they stand. It is majestically beautiful.
My outer senses are clashing against my inner conflict while I try to put together what I’m about to say.
“I’m angry because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be here…”
“Neither do I but we are here now babe.” he says.
He holds me in his response. The grip of fear eases off by giving it a voice and a witness for it to be heard. Mortality is such an isolating feeling- it amplifies that we are separate and alone which is not true. Mortality is the illusion of the false self that identifies itself with the body. I will exist even when my body is gone. I will go on.
LESSON: I AM NOT MY BODY.
The Breath Of Creation
Come home Beloved to what is real so You may know who You are. Open the portal of your inner eye, Be reconciled with your infinite nature.
The finite realm of Your outer world, Has shrouded the ever expanding Universe within You. The world of beginnings, endings and comparisons, Is an illusion dreamt from a mind that has forgotten.
Remember my Beloved, You began in the heart of the Great Creator. You and all of Creation is an extension of That which You are made of. What, You may ask?
Your very making is inexhaustible Love. It is the breath of Creation that gives life to all that Is. In your dream You have forgotten that You were made to remember.
The deep longing You feel can not be fulfilled by external means. As long as you see Yourself separate from what You are, Peace is a fleeting gift in the matrix of Your own making.
Come my Beloved, awaken and see Yourself in the eyes of Another. You are all of the same beneath the cloak of your individuation.
Awaken and be at peace forever.
-Inspired by the teachings of A Course In Miracles. Written by Maasa
“When a brother perceives himself as sick, he is perceiving himself not as whole.”
– A Course in Miracles
The decision to be the author of my own story means that I must pay attention to who is writing the script. Is it the person who is trying to survive or is it the person choosing to live? For me, the difference is that one is making choices referring to the past and the latter is open to something new.
Close to two years ago I left the conventional medical system for the second time after my lumpectomy. The last bit of information I got was that cancer cells were found in one of my lymph nodes. I’ve solely relied on my inner barometer to gauge my wellbeing since then. I am choosing to live rather than being a survivor. This is no easy feat when my mind projects illusions and entices me to believe in them.
Discomfort is an opportunity for a course correction. Studying A Course In Miracles is teaching me that. My sole intention to share my interpretation of what I am learning is to encode it. Writing about what I’m practicing helps to create new circuits in my brain to reinforce how I want to live.
A Course In Miracles teaches us that we were created to co-create in the “image and likeness” of Source. We were given a mind to extend the love of that which we are made of. Yet we have such difficulties directing it to ourselves and unto others. That is how we became attached to the mind that creates our suffering.
In the boundless freedom to create, we created a mind that identifies only with itself- the false self. The ego mind separated from the unalterable nature of Source to serve its own identity. Its survival depends on us believing in its projections. The projections are based on comparisons because it sees itself apart from everything else. Comparisons lead to judgement, judgement leads to anger, anger leads to pain and the cycle of suffering affirms itself. This is the misperception that the ego miscreated to preserve its role as protector.
Ego refers to the past and chooses the best option for the present. It expands on what has worked for us and tries to protect us from what’s hurt us. This is how it attempts to secure a future but it’s based on the illusion that we need protection. Our ego takes the lead role in the story it writes. Until we recognize who is writing the story we can not change the script.
To heal is to correct the perception that I am broken. To heal is to be certain of who I am. To heal is to redirect my mind to love and reside in our infinite nature.
The greatest obstacle in my life became the greatest opportunity to know myself. To end the conflict with myself, I must recognize when my ego is obscuring my perception to believe in it. I’ve been practicing by paying attention to how I see others. My perception and cues from my feelings tell me if I’m offline or aligned with the divine. It takes a great amount of awareness but that is why it is a practice!
As an artist, I realize why I love to paint. It’s because I love my creations as an extension of Source. My heart informs my hands and my creation informs my mind of my true origin- there I find peace.
PS: My simple understanding of what I am learning in ACM is serving me. I have included Dr. Wapnick’s video to offer a broader view.
LESSON: AWARENESS IS KEY FOR SELF REALIZATION. PAY ATTENTION TO CUES!
“Perception is temporary. To know is to be certain. Uncertainty means that you do not know. Knowledge is power because it is certain, and certainty is strength.”
– Course In Miracles
There is a 3 inch horizontal scar below my armpit. I am relieved to see that my breast is still attractive even with the divot beneath the incision. Undergoing surgery in early Covid times granted me a quiet hospital with eager nurses to help. I was in the surgery room getting prepped within an hour upon arrival at the hospital.
I’d brought a box of chocolates from my home town with a paper crane that my daughter folded perched on top of it. My surgeon looked at me in surprise when I handed it to him. I locked into his gaze and said “Thank you for supporting my decision, I’m ready.”
I only had one request for my friends and family when they asked what they could do to help. I said, “I’ll text you when I’m about to go in for surgery. Please feel us all celebrating my life cancer free”. I had no doubt in my mind about the power of collective prayer and for once I was not shy to ask for help.
The calm from the center of me rippled out. My Beloved’s prayers were tangible as I slowly counted down from ten. I did not hesitate as I surrendered to the unconscious.
It is the strangest feeling to awaken and not know what you are awakening from. I looked down at my bandaged breast as the first wave of nausea surfaced from the deep. I searched my mind for some kind of clue, hoping there was a part of me that stayed awake to recount what had happened. What now?
I never saw that surgeon again. I did however receive a phone call from him a few days later. He told me that he got clear margins and had to take out two lymph nodes instead of the agreed upon one. He said that the enlarged node could not be accessed without taking out the other. “We tested them both…the extra one we took has cancer cells in it but the enlarged one doesn’t” he said.
I’d reached another turning point. The road had forked and had clearly shown me two paths. One led to a whole bunch of screening, testing and invasive treatments and the other led to where I don’t do any of that and continue to trust my own information. I chose the latter… again. Focusing on external solutions were not the answer for me. I sought for a revelation that could only be realized from the inside.
That was almost two years ago. I continue to be challenged by my own perceptions which are triggered by fear. I am still a student of life and my body is the learning tool in which to master my way of being. At this point I am certain that mind creates reality. When my body produces symptoms it is always the result of questioning what is true. That is why perception is always based on the temporary.
When I am aligned with truth nothing real in me can be threatened. When I succumb to fear the walls go up and I become a prisoner of my own making. I have become my own lab rat testing the field of consciousness. This body of mine is a temporary vessel in which to learn of the everlasting nature of my soul.
(Pls read my previous post about GNM/GHK as a precursor to this one. Since the last post, I have discovered that there has been a name change from German New Medicine to Germanische Heilkunde which means Germanic Healing Knowledge. In this post I will be using the abbreviation GHK to reference this biological science.)
How German New Medicine revealed the meaning of my cancer so I could heal. By Maasa Craig edited by Pathways Magazine
[Quote from Caroline Markolin] When I received news of a ductal carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast, I put on my detective hat and worked backwards from my “know” to my “why” with help from a Germanic Healing Knowledge (GHK, or GNM) practitioner. GHK’s process of ascertaining the precise conflict that initiates a particular cancer process is based on biological science and embryology. Dr. Hamer, the pioneer discoverer, found that different conflict shocks impact different brain relays, each adapting a corresponding organ. The organ will change, or adapt, with cell-multiplication or cell-ulceration depending on the embryological germ cells that compose the tissues. For example, organs composed of endodermal cells such as the intestines, will respond with cell multiplication. Most importantly, each organ and germ layer responds only to a specific “kind” of conflict shock that applies to that organ’s function. Using this knowledge as a map, the exact organ and symptom will tell us what “type” of conflict shock occurred, and where the biological program is, in regards to the tissue- adaptation process. Often, the symptom we have indicates that the organ is in a healing phase, after the conflict is resolved.
Here’s what I discovered
Ductal “carcinoma” is the healing process, or tissue-replenishment phase, after a separation conflict that had caused the ductal tissues to ulcerate. We experience this conflict, for example, when a loved one is “torn from the breast” through an unexpected ending of a relationship. It can also occur if we suddenly want to separate from a relationship due to a conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, etc. The purpose of the ulcerations is to widen the ductal passageways—relating to a primitive nourishment response in the breast. After the conflict is over, an internal swelling occurs, sometimes seen as a tumor (it’s more akin to an internal swollen “scab” designed to heal the ductal passages.)
For many organs, including the breast ducts, our handedness (or dominant laterality) will determine which side of the body gets affected. Conflict shocks that center around a “partner” will affect the dominant side (for me that’s my right side). And if the conflict centers around a “mother or child,” it will affect the opposite, non-dominant side. Since the cell-replenishment, swelling, and “tumor” was on my right side, and I’m right handed, my first clue was that the conflict had nothing to do with my mother or daughter. Instead, it had to do with a partner, colleague, or friend.
I also learned that the moment I experienced this conflict, concentric circles appeared as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because the right breast is controlled from the left sensory cortex of the brain. What piqued my interest is how the “psyche”—our innate survival knowledge below the level of our awareness—related to the conflict. This is of utmost importance for the detective work and for healing. GHK is not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with your inner workings.
For myself, it was vitally important for me to pinpoint the exact conflict shock that caused the whole process to unfold. I believed that understanding why my body was doing what it was doing would be the key to assist my body to homeostasis.
Finding my Why
“I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your breast. This person did something that shocked you,” the GNM consultant said to me during our session.
I’d spent 7 months cleaning out my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with, but none fit the bill. I went through my memory catalog unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it. And it hit me like a ton of bricks; so much so that I had to catch my breath, my heart stilled, and the blood drained from my face.
“Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it,” she said. (Note: DHS is the term denoting the moment in time the biological shock occurred)
How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with everything else except for this one! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away. The GNM practitioner asked me, “Looking at the size of your tumour, I’d guess this conflict lasted for about 3 months?”
Stunned, I nodded my head.
As I write this, I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I had the ability to pick up the worm and hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk. I saw a creature made of the earth with its own story and place in the world. I was able to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.
Everything in me told me not to hire Sam. Living in a small town, I was well aware of her history with past employers. My gut twisted as she handed me her resume, looked me in the eyes, and promised me she wouldn’t let me down. My spa was in full swing and I desperately needed another esthetician. I’d worked with her in the past, in another spa and the same aversion I felt for her then resurfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited her in—deciding to take the high road. And so I hired her.
I used my uncertainty as fuel to overcome my judgment toward her. After all, she never did anything to me directly. I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was growing as a business owner and saw it as an opportunity to grow as a person as well. My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great skills and clients were happy with her service, so I held fast to that. I allowed my mothering instinct to take over and as a result she opened up to me as I did to her.
Did I do the right thing? It’s only in looking back from where I’m now that I know for certain that I did, because this biological program was a catalyst for my evolution. After a couple months of employment she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late November, I ended up in Emergency at the hospital with my guts feeling like it was ripping out from the inside.
Knowing GHK more now, I understand what I had then was an “indigestible anger conflict”—a situation I couldn’t digest which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate with pain. (Note: In the lining of the stomach, ulcerations cause symptoms of pain because the stomach is wired to the post-sensory cortex of the brain, unlike other parts of the body, such as the breast ducts, which are wired to the sensory cortex where there is no noticeable pain during conflict-active ulcerations.)
I just didn’t know how to deal with Sam’s unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck in a rock and hard place, doing my best to accommodate 9 staff members in the midst of my turmoil. My core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was my priority to treat them well in a business where staff typically came and went. She was the new addition, and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.
Sam approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee of mine disclosed information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position.
What this employee apparently shared was sensitive information which put me in a precarious position.
The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any staff member would do such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event. What I discovered, however, was that Sam, who I took in against my better judgment, had fabricated the whole story, with fake texts and emails to try and get my lovely employee fired.
Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole situation mangled me mentally and rippled out into work. I couldn’t deny the strong intuition that something was very wrong—even with the apparent evidence at hand. I started digging for the truth. To my horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like they’re coming from someone when they’re not. The evidence that Sam showed me to frame my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents to support it, Sam was the one who was trying to jump ship.
As I put the pieces together, I felt sick to my stomach. Expensive items had mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to think that an employee would steal from me. (I can never prove it, but my gut knew.) I felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my intuition to not hire her. Upon her immediate termination, I received official looking emails from her lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability to make fraudulent documents to serve her purpose, but I had no way to know if they were for real or not.
Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to open my email. My heart constantly raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court? What if she shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of a “conflict active phase.” The emails went on. The conflict continued.
Why would she do this?
It took about 3 months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.
In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me? Maybe the hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way. If that’s the case, doesn’t she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her deep in my subconscious, because when she resurfaced, I could not for the life of me remember her name!
After those 3 months, my conflict was resolved, and that’s when my healing phase began. New cells came in to replenish the area where there was prior tissue loss, accompanied with swelling. During those 3 months of conflict activity, my brain was impacted, and the corresponding organ—the milk ducts—ulcerated in proportion to the duration and intensity of “wanting to separate” from her. The biological purpose for the inner lining of milk ducts to ulcerate and lose cells is to widen the ducts for easier milk flow—a primitive mothering response. Though by the time I resolved the issue I understood there was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical milk.
The healing phase of cell proliferation and swelling was diagnosed as a ductal carcinoma, and deemed to be “abnormal cell activity.” The growth of these particular cells do act differently from normal cells, since they are the body’s way of healing the ulcerated tissue.
Blessed by life
The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumour only grew by two millimeters in six months was because the cells only proliferate in proportion to the duration and intensity of the prior conflict. And because my conflict was never reactivated, it was done proliferating.
Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to finding my why. I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered the lump. Truth rings like a bell. It rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically knew all along.
I stood in the forest clearing and screamed into battle. Gripping my invisible Samurai sword I slashed viciously with tears blinding my swollen eyes. The primordial, shrilling, shriek awakened the beast that lay dormant inside.
That morning, I faltered. I did what I had consciously avoided the previous times I had the bout with my eyes. In Google’s search engine I wrote- Breast Cancer/ Eyes. My heart seized as pages linked to Ocular Metastasis. It was as if I stood in the middle of a frozen lake- terrified by the sound of ice snapping. The resounding chorus of cracking threatened the very structure of what held me up. My entire approach to healing came apart at the seams.
My 5th round with Rocky Balboa Eyes was by far the worst. I called them so, because I looked like I got my face pummeled by the Champ himself. My practice of loving myself was confronted by the grotesque face that looked back at me in the mirror. I felt defeated, exhausted, and utterly lost.
I had relentlessly dedicated myself to a deeper human experience- trusting that by doing so, I would ultimately heal. I had rigorously detoxed, renounced pleasures, fueled my body solely on live foods, resolutely practiced my healing protocols, and held fast to my spiritual rituals.
I accepted my circumstance and believed in the higher purpose of the challenges I faced. I gave way for my true self to crawl out of the shell of the old predictable self. Yet, 6 months later…I still had my lump and had potentially made my condition worse. I felt like a fool.
The beast that had leapt out of me was Anger. I didn’t even know I harbored such a gastly thing until it exploded out. The compulsion to “take the high road” was usually an automatic response. In the past, the impulse to overcome anger and convert it to something useful had been ingrained. Anger is not productive, it’s ugly- it doesn’t solve anything- it’s just a waste of energy…
My rage emerged like the Incredible Hulk. I felt robbed of my life. Everything I had endured and deprived myself of was a joke. Accepting failure after trying so hard made me livid! I wanted to freak out, go on a drinking binge, drown myself in Ecstacy- escape reality, bathe in debauchery and rebel against the unfairness of life. Is there no meaning to anything?Did I seriously just get a shitty break and this is it?Should I have submitted to being butchered? “Fuck You Universe!” that was where I was at!
Bending over, I pressed my hands into my thighs while catching my breath. Heaving from my outburst, I felt it slip away. The crazed beast subsided and in its place was emptiness. The lesson from Anger was yet another example of what was left unfelt. There is no wasted emotion- all feelings collaborate in making us human.
In “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress”: Gabor Mate- MD and author, reveals the common thread between chronic disease and stress. Working in palliative care, he found that there is a physiological link between the body’s systems and our coping mechanism to manage negative emotions. Life experiences from an early age condition us to suppress what we feel or to override it in order to function. By doing so, there is a ripple effect causing a biological consequence. Maintaining my composure throughout my life may have been the root cause of my undoing…
I was due to leave for Vipassana the following week. I laughed at the absurdity of voluntarily choosing to sit with myself in silence for 10 days...especially at such a time. Pandora’s box had been opened…
Maybe things fall apart in order to be put back together in a better way. A solid structure can’t be built on a shoddy foundation. In order to regenerate my system I decided to start with a meticulous deep clean of my insides. I instinctively responded to my diagnosis by going on an alkaline diet. As a health professional I knew that inflammation is the leading cause of disease. Dismissing foods that are acidic in nature seemed like the rational thing to do. I stopped eating meat, dairy, grains, beans, nuts, seeds and gluten. I needed to go deeper…
Synchronicities became more acute as I utilized my intuition like a tuning fork. It was clear to me that I needed professional guidance for a complete detox protocol. I didn’t want to get bombarded via internet research and get caught up in the vortex of vast opinions and contradictions. I wanted a direct line through someone who had experienced results. I put it out to the Powers Be to set me up.
I don’t believe in coincidences. I bumped into a friend of mine who introduced me to the work of Dr. Robert Morse-a naturopathic physician, biochemist, iridologist and master herbalist. Like myself, Amanda had been primarily on a Paleo/ Keto type diet for many years. After discovering Dr. Morse she switched to a high fruit and raw food diet. Within a couple of months, she miraculously reversed Hashimoto autoimmune disease. She also cured Babesiosis-a parasitic infection in the red blood cells that caused her a host of issues. I hadn’t seen her in a while…the last time I saw her she was run down and not doing so well. There, in the produce section with a basket full of colourful fruit she exuded radiance. The proof was in the pudding.
In a YouTube episode about breast cancer, Dr. Morse laid out my action plan in under 5 min. I liked him immediately. He spoke with conviction and with heart- simply explaining the process of disease as cause and effect. Rather than treating the symptom, he addresses the cause through detoxification and alkalization. In 1972 Dr. Morse walked his talk by going on a 6 month orange fast, experiencing first hand the profound benefits of detoxing. The evidence is in his own experience, along with thousands of people who cured their illness by using his protocol.
He says disease is a state of acidosis-a buildup of waste in our system. He emphasizes the vital importance of functional elimination to repair the body. The lymphatic system acts like the body’s septic system, carrying waste to the kidneys to be filtered out. An overload of toxins and cellular waste material backs up the lymph channel. That’s what can cause lumps and bumps- when waste has nowhere to go. If the kidneys are not functioning properly to get the garbage out…well…we get a shit show. That’s what disease is…
Dr. Morse doesn’t perceive cancer as a death sentence. He encourages us to understand the process of disease-to take responsibility for our health issues and get to work. I love that he put the onus on me. He says first repair, then rebuild, then regenerate. I got going on the grapes.
Animals fast when they are sick because it takes energy to digest food. When the body is compromised, energy must be diverted to the immune, lymphatic and endocrine systems to restore the body back to homeostasis. What I learned was that amino acids build tissue and sustains most bodily functions. Proteins from animals take a lot of energy to break down into usable amino acids. Fruits and veggies have simple amino acids that’s easy for the body to utilize while detoxing. That’s probably why most holistic cancer clinics promote plant based diets for their patients.
In 1927 Johanna Brandt left her home in South Africa with a mission to bring the Grape Cure to America. She discovered that the foods she ate had an effect on the progression and remission of her cancer. After much experimentation on herself, Brandt cured her stomach cancer fasting on grapes. Why grapes? Grapes have a ton of antioxidants to protect cells from free radical damage. Resveratrol in the skin of grapes has shown to be effective in detoxing lymph and kidneys. I bowed down to the queen of fruit and made my commitment.
I ate grapes, grapes and more grapes for 33 days. When I got sick of plunking the plump, fruit into my mouth, I got creative. I made grape slushies, pressed it into juice, and even transformed them into frozen treats. I stayed on course because my life depended on it. Yes, it was hard at first but mortality is a great motivator. I altered my perception of food. I ate for no other reason than to heal.
It simplified my life to not have to think about what to eat. After I got over the hump of the first week, I experienced a radical shift. I calibrated to a higher frequency. I felt elevated… light…like a machine running on clean, boundless energy. My senses became more acute, thoughts were crisp and spacious. I was in love with life.
Dr Morse recommends staying on the fast until the tongue is healthy pink, and the kidneys filtering optimally. By the third day my tongue was coated in black mucus. The sludge coming out the other end was gasp-worthy. Both my bathrooms were equipped with mason jars to inspect my urine. Clear pee indicated that the kidneys were not filtering properly. Cloudy pee with sediment was what I was after. I went for several sessions of colonics to flush out my bowels. What can I say…nothing like being probed in the buttholio to keep it real.
It took 33 days to get clean. I followed Dr. Morse’s recommendation to break the fast by introducing other fruits one at a time. For every three days of fasting- a day of fruit, which meant I’d be a fruitarian for an extra 10 days. After 43 days I’d lost 30 pounds- Al had nothing to grab onto when he reached for my ass. In exchange for the weight lost, I’d gained a whole lot of insight. I was intimately connected to myself-solid on my path.