I stood in the forest clearing and screamed into battle. Gripping my invisible Samurai sword I slashed viciously with tears blinding my swollen eyes. The primordial, shrilling, shriek awakened the beast that lay dormant inside.
That morning, I faltered. I did what I had consciously avoided the previous times I had the bout with my eyes. In Google’s search engine I wrote- Breast Cancer/ Eyes. My heart seized as pages linked to Ocular Metastasis. It was as if I stood in the middle of a frozen lake- terrified by the sound of ice snapping. The resounding chorus of cracking threatened the very structure of what held me up. My entire approach to healing came apart at the seams.
My 5th round with Rocky Balboa Eyes was by far the worst. I called them so, because I looked like I got my face pummeled by the Champ himself. My practice of loving myself was confronted by the grotesque face that looked back at me in the mirror. I felt defeated, exhausted, and utterly lost.
I had relentlessly dedicated myself to a deeper human experience- trusting that by doing so, I would ultimately heal. I had rigorously detoxed, renounced pleasures, fueled my body solely on live foods, resolutely practiced my healing protocols, and held fast to my spiritual rituals.
I accepted my circumstance and believed in the higher purpose of the challenges I faced. I gave way for my true self to crawl out of the shell of the old predictable self. Yet, 6 months later…I still had my lump and had potentially made my condition worse. I felt like a fool.
The beast that had leapt out of me was Anger. I didn’t even know I harbored such a gastly thing until it exploded out. The compulsion to “take the high road” was usually an automatic response. In the past, the impulse to overcome anger and convert it to something useful had been ingrained. Anger is not productive, it’s ugly- it doesn’t solve anything- it’s just a waste of energy…
My rage emerged like the Incredible Hulk. I felt robbed of my life. Everything I had endured and deprived myself of was a joke. Accepting failure after trying so hard made me livid! I wanted to freak out, go on a drinking binge, drown myself in Ecstacy- escape reality, bathe in debauchery and rebel against the unfairness of life. Is there no meaning to anything? Did I seriously just get a shitty break and this is it? Should I have submitted to being butchered? “Fuck You Universe!” that was where I was at!
Bending over, I pressed my hands into my thighs while catching my breath. Heaving from my outburst, I felt it slip away. The crazed beast subsided and in its place was emptiness. The lesson from Anger was yet another example of what was left unfelt. There is no wasted emotion- all feelings collaborate in making us human.
In “When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress”: Gabor Mate- MD and author, reveals the common thread between chronic disease and stress. Working in palliative care, he found that there is a physiological link between the body’s systems and our coping mechanism to manage negative emotions. Life experiences from an early age condition us to suppress what we feel or to override it in order to function. By doing so, there is a ripple effect causing a biological consequence. Maintaining my composure throughout my life may have been the root cause of my undoing…
I was due to leave for Vipassana the following week. I laughed at the absurdity of voluntarily choosing to sit with myself in silence for 10 days...especially at such a time. Pandora’s box had been opened…
LESSON: FEEL WHAT IS LEFT UNFELT
LESSONS FROM MY LUMP 
Hello my dear, I want you to know how inspired I am by your creative authentic offerings of beauty and fierce self love. So grateful you are doing your good work and shining a light for all. This is a powerful post for me as I too have been having eye issues this whole month and clearly I have some parallel pieces to address in regards to being willing to see and feel things I have locked down in the past. Blessings dear sister, Eva🌺✨
On Sat, Jan 30, 2021 at 11:03 AM LESSONS FROM MY LUMP wrote:
> Maasaisis posted: ” I stood in the forest clearing and screamed into > battle. Gripping my invisible Samurai sword I slashed viciously with tears > blinding my swollen eyes. The primordial, shrilling, shriek awakened the > beast that lay dormant inside. That morning, I falte” >
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You warm my heart with your words and inspire me to keep writing. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts. Love to you💕
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Thank you so much for this blog. I HEAR everything you say and in some ways although there are differences your journey and your soul are mine. I have been going through this breast cancer hell for 7 years back on for the last 2 1/2 years and if conventional medicine were so brilliant (as we know it is not) I would not be going through this journey again after the lumpectomy in 2016.
I like you know there is more to this and have used all my intuition and knowledge as a therapist and my own researcher to keep driving forward to find the rainbow. Like you, I know so much learning has come through this experience whatever happens and I believe in my heart there will be happier days to come.
I know you are about to blog about GNM shortly and I await this with interest as I too follow GNM and the biological laws of nature which are not built on some money making poisoning of the system but on the wisdom of the body which is the one true voice.
Nobody heals without putting in the work. WELL DONE Maasa, you are a lightworker for sure! Thank you for your candid openness, your strength, your angelic wings, thank you for paving the way for other women (and men) like us. You have shone a guiding light for me at a time of need. I found your blog, there are no coincidences. I too hope in time to shine my light for others and help them recover what they may have lost in this life (or another). I have hit the bottom a good few times but believe like you that out of these dark nights of the soul the skin is shed and new life is born.
God bless you,
with love,
Lisa
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Lisa, I was brought to tears reading your comment. Thank you for reading my blog and reaching out. The main reason I started this blog was to document my journey and felt that if it could help another it was worth sharing. I have written a few blogs on GNM. I will continue to share as I continue to learn from my body and mind. It had helped me immensely to read as many books on GNM and talk to others who have completed their programs. I can share some resources should you wish. Sending love sister! You are not alone💕
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Hi angel
Yes please!!!🙏I would love some help and resources.. What I am going through at the moment is a lot of secondary disfigurement and devaluation conflicts involving the surrounding area and my muscle, lymph system and skin ( shingles and open leaking wound been leaking for months).
Although I have worked with a practitioner I have felt isolated and not had stories from others that have been through this with the ‘how’s.’ My email is: lisatomlinson98@yahoo.co.uk
Thank you.
With my love,
Lisa 💕
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