Tag: healing cancer

I Got My Why

by Maasaisis

(Pls read my previous post about GNM/GHK as a precursor to this one. Since the last post, I have discovered that there has been a name change from German New Medicine to Germanische Heilkunde which means Germanic Healing Knowledge. In this post I will be using the abbreviation GHK to reference this biological science.)


How German New Medicine revealed the meaning of my cancer so I could heal.
By Maasa Craig edited by Pathways Magazine


When I received news of a ductal carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast, I put
on my detective hat and worked backwards from my “know” to my “why” with help from
a Germanic Healing Knowledge (GHK, or GNM) practitioner.
GHK’s process of ascertaining the precise conflict that initiates a particular cancer
process is based on biological science and embryology. Dr. Hamer, the pioneer
discoverer, found that different conflict shocks impact different brain relays, each
adapting a corresponding organ. The organ will change, or adapt, with cell-multiplication
or cell-ulceration depending on the embryological germ cells that compose the tissues.
For example, organs composed of endodermal cells such as the intestines, will respond
with cell multiplication. Most importantly, each organ and germ layer responds only to a
specific “kind” of conflict shock that applies to that organ’s function.
Using this knowledge as a map, the exact organ and symptom will tell us what “type” of
conflict shock occurred, and where the biological program is, in regards to the tissue-
adaptation process. Often, the symptom we have indicates that the organ is in a healing
phase, after the conflict is resolved.


Here’s what I discovered


Ductal “carcinoma” is the healing process, or tissue-replenishment phase, after a
separation conflict that had caused the ductal tissues to ulcerate. We experience this
conflict, for example, when a loved one is “torn from the breast” through an unexpected
ending of a relationship. It can also occur if we suddenly want to separate from a
relationship due to a conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, etc. The purpose of the
ulcerations is to widen the ductal passageways—relating to a primitive nourishment
response in the breast. After the conflict is over, an internal swelling occurs, sometimes
seen as a tumor (it’s more akin to an internal swollen “scab” designed to heal the ductal
passages.)

For many organs, including the breast ducts, our handedness (or dominant laterality)
will determine which side of the body gets affected. Conflict shocks that center around a
“partner” will affect the dominant side (for me that’s my right side). And if the conflict centers around a “mother or child,” it will affect the opposite, non-dominant side. Since
the cell-replenishment, swelling, and “tumor” was on my right side, and I’m right handed,
my first clue was that the conflict had nothing to do with my mother or daughter. Instead,
it had to do with a partner, colleague, or friend.


I also learned that the moment I experienced this conflict, concentric circles appeared
as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because
the right breast is controlled from the left sensory cortex of the brain. What piqued my
interest is how the “psyche”—our innate survival knowledge below the level of our
awareness—related to the conflict. This is of utmost importance for the detective work
and for healing. GHK is not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with
your inner workings.


For myself, it was vitally important for me to pinpoint the exact conflict shock that
caused the whole process to unfold. I believed that understanding why my body was
doing what it was doing would be the key to assist my body to homeostasis.


Finding my Why


“I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your
breast. This person did something that shocked you,” the GNM consultant said to me
during our session.


I’d spent 7 months cleaning out my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I
scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with, but none fit the bill. I went
through my memory catalog unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it. And it hit
me like a ton of bricks; so much so that I had to catch my breath, my heart stilled, and
the blood drained from my face.


“Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it,” she
said. (Note: DHS is the term denoting the moment in time the biological shock occurred)


How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with
everything else except for this one! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away.
The GNM practitioner asked me, “Looking at the size of your tumour, I’d guess this
conflict lasted for about 3 months?”


Stunned, I nodded my head.


As I write this, I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I had the ability to pick up the worm and
hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk.
I saw a creature made of the earth with its own story and place in the world. I was able
to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.

My story


Everything in me told me not to hire Sam. Living in a small town, I was well aware of her
history with past employers. My gut twisted as she handed me her resume, looked me
in the eyes, and promised me she wouldn’t let me down. My spa was in full swing and I
desperately needed another esthetician. I’d worked with her in the past, in another spa
and the same aversion I felt for her then resurfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited
her in—deciding to take the high road. And so I hired her.


I used my uncertainty as fuel to overcome my judgment toward her. After all, she never
did anything to me directly. I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the
doubt. I was growing as a business owner and saw it as an opportunity to grow as a
person as well. My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a
troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great
skills and clients were happy with her service, so I held fast to that. I allowed my
mothering instinct to take over and as a result she opened up to me as I did to her.


Did I do the right thing? It’s only in looking back from where I’m now that I know for
certain that I did, because this biological program was a catalyst for my evolution. After
a couple months of employment she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked
up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened
enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late
November, I ended up in Emergency at the hospital with my guts feeling like it was
ripping out from the inside.


Knowing GHK more now, I understand what I had then was an “indigestible anger
conflict”—a situation I couldn’t digest which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate with
pain. (Note: In the lining of the stomach, ulcerations cause symptoms of pain because
the stomach is wired to the post-sensory cortex of the brain, unlike other parts of the
body, such as the breast ducts, which are wired to the sensory cortex where there is no
noticeable pain during conflict-active ulcerations.)


I just didn’t know how to deal with Sam’s unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the
busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck in a rock and hard
place, doing my best to accommodate 9 staff members in the midst of my turmoil. My
core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was
my priority to treat them well in a business where staff typically came and went. She
was the new addition, and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.


Sam approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty
for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee of mine disclosed
information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position.

What this employee apparently shared was sensitive information which put me in a
precarious position.


The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any staff member would do
such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and
confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event. What I discovered, however,
was that Sam, who I took in against my better judgment, had fabricated the whole story,
with fake texts and emails to try and get my lovely employee fired.


Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole situation mangled me mentally
and rippled out into work. I couldn’t deny the strong intuition that something was very
wrong—even with the apparent evidence at hand. I started digging for the truth. To my
horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like they’re
coming from someone when they’re not. The evidence that Sam showed me to frame
my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents
to support it, Sam was the one who was trying to jump ship.


As I put the pieces together, I felt sick to my stomach. Expensive items had
mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to
think that an employee would steal from me. (I can never prove it, but my gut knew.) I
felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my intuition to
not hire her. Upon her immediate termination, I received official looking emails from her
lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability
to make fraudulent documents to serve her purpose, but I had no way to know if they
were for real or not.


Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to
open my email. My heart constantly raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I
struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I
lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court? What if she
shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold
sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of a “conflict active phase.” The emails
went on. The conflict continued.


Why would she do this?


Resolution


It took about 3 months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted
that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the
spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The
cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.

In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act
of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me? Maybe the
hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way. If that’s the case, doesn’t
she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her
deep in my subconscious, because when she resurfaced, I could not for the life of me
remember her name!


After those 3 months, my conflict was resolved, and that’s when my healing phase
began. New cells came in to replenish the area where there was prior tissue loss,
accompanied with swelling. During those 3 months of conflict activity, my brain was
impacted, and the corresponding organ—the milk ducts—ulcerated in proportion to the
duration and intensity of “wanting to separate” from her. The biological purpose for the
inner lining of milk ducts to ulcerate and lose cells is to widen the ducts for easier milk
flow—a primitive mothering response. Though by the time I resolved the issue I
understood there was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical
milk.


The healing phase of cell proliferation and swelling was diagnosed as a ductal
carcinoma, and deemed to be “abnormal cell activity.” The growth of these particular
cells do act differently from normal cells, since they are the body’s way of healing the
ulcerated tissue.


Blessed by life


The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was
finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumour
only grew by two millimeters in six months was because the cells only proliferate in
proportion to the duration and intensity of the prior conflict. And because my conflict was
never reactivated, it was done proliferating.


Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to finding my why.
I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered
the lump. Truth rings like a bell. It rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the
gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to
form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically
knew all along.


LESSON: ALL ROADS LEAD BACK HOME

“YES” Acrylic on canvas by Maasa

GERMAN NEW MEDICINE

by Maasaisis

“The NEW MEDICINE understands the body as a unified organism, a unity, with the psyche being the integrator of all functions of behaviour and all areas of conflict, and the brain being the main computer of all behavioural functions, conflict areas and organs, and the sum of the consequences of all these events. “- R.G. Hamer, MD

Dirk Hamer, son of Dr. Geerd Hamer, was shot by Emanuele of Savoy- son of the last king of Italy in 1978. Awakened in the middle of the night with the horrific news, Dr. Hamer remained in a state of shock as he attended to his dying son for 3 continual months. Within a year after their son’s death, both Dr. Hamer and his wife developed cancer. Being a doctor and a scientific researcher, he suspected that there was a correlation with the sudden death of his son and the onset of his testicular cancer and his wife’s breast cancer. Following his strong intuition, Dr. Hamer began to question what has long been accepted and taught through allopathic medicine- that disease proceeds dysfunction of the organism.

As Chief of Internal Medicine at Munich University in Germany, Dr. Hamer had 200 patients under his care and in the position to conduct research on his hypothesis. He began to survey his patients asking if they experienced a shocking, emotional event prior to their diagnosis. He called the trauma a biological-conflict-shock- a DHS, short for Dirk Hamer Syndrome in memory of his beloved son.

Dr. Hamer’s discovery was remarkable. Every single one of his patients that he interviewed did indeed suffer a DHS. After years of pursuing his research, Dr. Hamer was able to distinguish what kind of specific shock affected a particular tissue organ. Furthermore, CT scans of his patients’ brains detected extraordinary findings. In every single one them without exception, were lesions shaped in concentric circles in various locations of their brains.

The astounding factor was that each cancer type presented brain lesions with an undeniable pattern. Through studying the patterns, Dr. Hamer identified that the nature of an emotional conflict correlated to a specific area of the brain- the brainstem, cerebral medulla, cerebellum, or the cerebral cortex (ex: Ductal Carcinoma showed a lesion in the cerebral cortex paired with a “separation” conflict, lung cancer presented in the brain stem paired with a “death fright” conflict). He found the direct link between how the psyche processed trauma- to where the lesion appeared in the brain and the relay to the specific tissue organ in the body where changes took place.

40,000 case studies to date have confirmed the same pattern of disease development without exception. A highly acute, isolating, shock that catches us completely off guard triggers an instant, biological, simultaneous response in the psyche, the brain, and the corresponding organ. Dr. Hamer’s continual findings developed into the 5 Biological Laws that is the core of German New Medicine. The Laws explain the cause, the evolution, and healing phase of the dis-ease process based on natural principles. Some call it “La Medicina Sagrada” the sacred medicine or simply New Medicine-a paradigm shift from conventional medicine.

Dr. Hamer’s most important discovery is that the body responds to trauma in primal ways in an attempt to ensure our survival. Symptoms of disease although unwelcome, are actually meaningful biological changes to aid us through the conflict, the resolution and healing. For example, even though a high fever is scary, it is the process of healing for it to peak and break before the body restores its balance. Whether the tissue/organ responds to the conflict by proliferating cells (ex. tumour growth), cell loss, or by impeding function- every change proceeding a DHS is designed to improve our overall function in an emergency state. When resolution takes place and stays resolved, our perfectly designed system restores it’s balance.

While deepening my understanding of GNM, what I found most interesting is that 2 people can have the exact same type of conflict yet have symptoms in different areas of their body. Our personal perception of the conflict determines how our body responds. This is because our psyche absorbs and interprets the world through our individual experiences. What we believe in, our culture, personalities, conditioning, what we’ve been taught, what we’ve known, makes us completely unique in the way that our psyche interprets an emergency situation.

If I was to lose a loved one, the immediate primal response from my own life experience could be a separation conflict (ex. milk ducts) and for someone else, it might be an existence conflict (ex. kidneys). In GNM terms diseases are referred to SBS a “Significant Biological Special Program“. Every SBS runs in 2 phases as a development towards healing. Phase 1 being “Conflict Active” – fighter flight mode and Phase 2 which is the “Healing Phase” proceeding conflict resolution.

The SBS sometimes don’t resolve- which is what chronic disease is. The psyche continually gets triggered in a “hanging healing” and stays in an emergency state. It’s set on a track and loops in a cycle that never has the chance to resolve and heal. The length and intensity of the shock determines the size of the lesion in the brain and how symptoms present. Since healing can only happen once the conflict is resolved, GNM focuses on identifying the original conflict, the associations with the conflict, and finding a resolution specific to the individual. In essence, it’s about identifying the exact trauma and creating a liberating relationship with it.

Dr. Hamer found that when conflicts resolved permanently, cancer cells stopped growing and the extra cells broke down. Some masses that did not break down became benign and neutral. The lesion in the brain also disappeared. By understanding that “symptoms” are actually a progress towards healing, we can free ourselves from fear and work on completing the SBS.

The greatest fear with cancer is that it will spread like wildfire and render you terminal. The idea of malfunctioning cells breaking off my tumour and hitching a ride through the blood/ lymph to randomly land in a completely different body part didn’t make any sense to me. Not to mention having the ability to cross over to a different germ layer. Even though my rational mind could thwarted that fear, it still existed in varying degrees depending on what kind of day I was having. It’s a collective fear that has been fed to us from every angle and it’s mighty powerful.

Dr. Hamer scrutinized the metastasis theory with common sense. Why, if cancer spreads through the blood/lymph didn’t it primarily spread from the affected organ to the surrounding tissue? Shouldn’t cervical cancer spread to the uterus next? Why doesn’t everybody who has cancer have Leukaemia if it spreads through the blood? If cancer cells travel through the blood stream why isn’t donated blood screened for cancer? If cancer spreads through the lymph system, why does it develop in the bones where it is not supplied by lymph fluid? How is it that cancer cells can bypass the blood-brain-barrier that is specifically there to protect against invaders? We don’t ever hear of a brain tumour spreading to an organ but only the other way around…why is that?

The metastasis theory discounts the fact that all cells in the body is fist controlled by the brain. It is assumed that rogue cells are doing it’s own thing without the electrical impulses sent by our control center which is the basis of every cellular function. Even reports from Yale University in 2008 declared “How cancer cells become metastatic still remains a mystery”.

Dr. Hamer did not believe that cancer “spreads”. His discoveries indicate that malignancies are separate shocks and separate SBSes. Unfortunately, the shock of a life-threatening diagnosis could be a DHS. Nobody is ever prepared for a cancer diagnosis… The scary options of invasive therapies, the fear of dying, the loss of life as we know it, the loss of what we value in ourselves, carrying life responsibilities with a disease, worry for our loved ones…all translates to our system as an emergency to be managed.

Truth rings like a bell- it rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically knew all along. My body wasn’t falling apart and failing me…it was healing. I was determined to discover the exact conflict that started my program and help it along to finish what was started.

LESSON: Readers, I’d like to emphasize that this is my personal experience. Every therapy, every idea, every belief that resonates with me sustains me. I’m no expert in anything I write about. I’m just an expert on myself and whatever upholds my pillar of strength is what I go by. I choose to live fully- without the ghost of cancer haunting me. This is how I’m doing it.

A Look Inside

by Maasaisis

Returning from Vipassana, I fulfilled the promise I made to myself and got the ball rolling on having a look-see inside.  I’d been MIA from the medical system for 6 months. It was crucial to prepare mentally and emotionally so I wouldn’t be rocked by the system. No doubt there would be fear inducing questions and recommendations because my lump was obviously still there. All I wanted was the truth. Had the tumour grown and had it spread? That was the first and only step I chose to focus on. Everything else would have to be white noise.

I contacted my MD instead of the Oncologist because I felt more comfortable with him. I needed my head on straight to navigate the medical terrain in a way that supported my wellbeing. I just wanted information and not to be bombarded with “should do’s”.

My MD is a lovely man. I sat in his office looking at the very same painting of yellow tulips as the day I got my shocking diagnosis. I felt my pulse quicken and my heart lunge forward. Grounding my feet, I closed my eyes and deepened my breath. I breathed my whole body back to equilibrium and steadied myself.

He walked in with a smile but there was worry in his eyes. The last time I spoke to him he told me that the cancer could kill me if I didn’t do the recommended procedures. It was his job to tell me so, but it also came from a place of genuine care. It took all my strength to ask him to respect my choice and to stop checking up on me. I was not the same person I was then.

Doc was probably wondering what the heck I’d been up to for half a year with an “Invasive Carcinoma”. I gave him the quick down-lo of my esoteric healing regime while watching his eyebrows morph into different shapes. “Ok…….so what can I do for you now?” he said. He didn’t know how to deal with me but what he did accept was that I was calling the shots. To this day I am grateful for his openness to assist me even though he did not agree with me. “Can we start with an ultrasound?” I asked. One step.

The ultrasound result showed that my tumor had grown by a mere 1-2 mm. Some may have taken that as bad news but my immediate response was a giant sigh of relief. It hadn’t mutated into a monstroso entity! I took it as a sign that everything I was doing was keeping it at bay. I’m definitely a glass half full kinda gal. The fact remained that the tumor had stayed put pretty much the way I’d found it. So, the question was do I keep going and hope that it would shrink or do I change course? 

I started a conversation with Lump during meditation. “It’s time for you to go. Thank you for coming into my life and revealing my true nature. I’m so grateful for the radical shift you initiated in me to become a more conscious being. I am in love with my life and ready to move forward…I’m ready to part ways with you now. Thank you.”

I needed a surgeon who would agree to do as I asked and not push the protocol. I did not want my tit lopped off nor did I want chemo or radiation. Knowing the vital role lymph nodes played in moving toxins out of the body, taking a string of them out for testing was not an option. After much contemplation and receiving clear signs, I knew exactly what my next step was. I’d do the bare minimum- to cut Lump out along with the one enlarged lymph node above it. I put my order into the universe for the perfect surgeon to do the job.

Magic and synchronicities unfold when we are aligned with our essential nature. Pure potentiality exists when you know yourself as whole. We vibrate at that elevated frequency and attract what benefits us. I was a living testament of it. A surgeon who I will call Dr. M came into my field a few days after I put my order in. I had to get a referral from my Oncologist to get my initial appointment with him which meant I had to do more tests.

In one week I had all the scans I avoided for all those months. The scans emitted radiation which I previously believed would aggravate Lump. I accepted it as a necessary compromise so I took a bunch of kelp tablets as an anecdote for the onslaught of radiation. Whether it helped or not is beside the point. I believed it did and that’s how I endured a mammogram, a bone scan, and another CT scan without a head trip.

I received a gift from moving in that direction. The findings from the scans showed that there was no cancer anywhere else. The info was passed onto Dr. M and I got the green light to meet him.

Right around that time I received a surprising text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while. It read, “Hey, have you heard of German New Medicine?”. Well meaning friends have given me plenty of advice and suggestions on what to do. Most of the time I did not heed their advice. I had an automatic response to bypass suggestions because I was so focused on following the breadcrumbs set before me. That text felt different- like a breadcrumb. So I followed it.

The information on the website was a magnet that lured me in. GNM (German New Medicine) reflected a totally unique and resonant perspective on the disease process. It stated that there is a direct relay between our physical symptoms, our brain and unexpected conflicts/traumas. Everything I was reading made perfect sense! It explained what my intuition knew right from the get go. There was a specific biological reason my body manifested the tumor! GNM is a roadmap to understand the EXACT cause of the disease process. It it not a theory, it is a proven science. My whole body resounded a YES!

The universe gave me another big wink when I discovered that out of a handful of GNM practitioners in BC, there was one 30 min from Dr. M’s office which was 4 hours away from where I live. A coincidence? I say absolutely not! I booked a GNM consult right after my appointment with the surgeon. I knew in my gut I was moving in the right direction one step at a time.

LESSON: LIFE IS A REFLECTION OF THE VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCY WE EMIT.

EARTH DAY 2020

Vipassana- Part 4 Exit

by Maasaisis

ANICCA TO ALTERED STATES

Day three and six was like driving on the highway full speed with my hands tied behind my back. What I learned was that even with my mind right out of control, I still had the ability to sit through it.

I stared down at my dishevelled meditation throne and stifled a laugh as it evidently reflected my state to a T.  The 3×3, cushy, piece of real estate had become my primary domain of existence. It changed form in various ways to support me through my purification. I straightened my back and sucked in a deep, shaky breath and settled in with a slow exhale.

There’s a powerful container of energy created within a group when sitting together with a common intention. We held each other in our collective struggle to be the equanimous witness of our inner workings.

I loved the silence. It was such a relief to take communication completely out of the picture.  The deep sense of camaraderie felt between the meditators came not from knowing each other’s stories, but from the common denominator to find solace within. Without the use of words there was no need to find the slot where I fit in. To be in their presence without having to make something of it was an authentic experience I cherished.

Through practice, I began to understand the simple yet profound truth about Anicca; the law of impermanence. I challenged myself to sit through a 2 hr block without changing my position to test the principle of change. Over and over again I was seduced by habitual thought patterns, distractions, reactions and excuses to abort my intent.

When my body registered pain, my mind immediately gave me escape options. Change positions, go to the bathroom, skip the rest of the meditation, you don’t have to do this… The throbbing nerve pain in my legs, the pins and needles in my feet, the sharp stabbing beneath my shoulder blade, my head that felt like a 100-pound weight compressing down on my spine gave me every reason to quit. Time and time again, I came back to the Vipassana technique- screening my body parts bit by bit with all the detached attention I could muster.

As thoughts became more spacious, I discovered subtler sensations. I attuned to varying degrees of vibrations, variances in temperature and currents of energy. I followed sensations like a detective. Changes began to reveal themselves in the most amusing way. When I came back to acute areas, I noticed a shift in it’s quality. Like the pulsing was more distant, or the stabbing was duller, or the temperature was not as hot… I noticed new areas with louder sensations and sometimes pain disappeared all together. This discovery thwarted my misery and brought on curiosity and excitement. Before I knew it, the gong rang. I did not move for 2 hrs. I crossed the threshold.

On the seventh day, I experienced something extraordinary during the four-hour block. The moment my seat touched my cushion, magnetic energy locked me in. There wasn’t even a little bit of shuffling or adjusting to get comfortable. My eyelids softly closed and cradled my eyeballs to fall back into its sockets. My breath immediately fell into a deep, relaxing, rhythm and my attention rested on the Anapana breath between the wings of my nostrils. I just let myself rest there. There was pure contentment in not needing anything. 

I felt a warm, incredibly euphoric feeling bubbling up from the base of my belly and moving upwards. I don’t want to taint what I experienced but, I can only relate the feeling to a prelude of a great Ecstacy high. I felt held in a container of bliss and everything was just perfect as is. Unlike the narcotic Ecstacy, there wasn’t the synthetic force of bliss making behind the feeling. It felt so organic and wholesome. My body was in complete homeostasis. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t really embodying my body, it was as if I was feeling it from a distance. There was no physical edge to my experience. I became a vessel- open to waves of beautiful breaths moving in and out. It would fill the space of my being then rest in what felt like an eternal pause before emptying effortlessly out. My awareness was complete with the expansiveness of what was happening.

I stayed in that space without the constraints of linear time. Even though I was completely in an exalted state, there was no attachment to the feeling of anticipating anything else. There was a certainty in that experience that I AM Soul. Is this death? Some call it “The Unified Field”, that’s exactly what it felt like. Somewhere else but of the same, I felt tears streaming down my face.

Suddenly, I knelt in meditation in a completely different environment in what felt like a different time. I was in a small, simple room with my palms gently resting on my thighs in the exact same state. The recognition that this person was me was absolute. I was there for a split second then I was back in the hall with an unshakable certainty that I had practiced Vipassana in another life.

The bell rang. I sat there awestruck. My logical mind could not grasp what Soul knew. I sat still not wanting to disturb my transcendent state. I stayed there until it changed. 

LESSON: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
― Alan Wilson Watts

“Transcendence”- Acrylic on Canvas by Maasa

Vipassana – Part 1

by Maasaisis

What if my mind takes me to a place I can’t come back from? …

Standing in line waiting to register, I strained to recollect the mandatory agreements for enrollment.  Once it was my turn, the registrar took my information and reinforced what I was signing up for. I was to commit to the entire 10 days adhering to the 5 precepts without exception. I’d travelled 10 hours for my peace of mind- how ironic would it be if I’d lost it?

The 5 Precepts and the Questions In My Mind:

  1. Abstain from killing or harming any being– Aren’t all creatures considered sentient beings? What about the flies and mosquitoes I’d intentionally killed…the animals I’d eaten?
  2. Abstain from stealing- Is inspiration from someone else’s idea stealing?
  3. Abstain from sexual misconduct and all sexual activity during the course- What about after the course…if I want to keep practicing Vipassana meditation? Is vowing celibacy a necessary sacrifice on the road to enlightenment?
  4. Abstain from telling lies (this includes exaggerating)- I’ve exaggerated to make myself more interesting…call it a self-preservation tactic for a gal with a devaluation conflict. It will be a good practice to form an alliance with silence...
  5. Abstain from all intoxicants- Escape from reality with any substance went out the window the day I got my diagnosis. I’m golden. 

I had more questions but I set them aside. My stomach lunged into my throat as I signed the document sealing the deal.

We were to renounce all forms of prayers, talismans, religious objects, mantras, and devotional practices. Yoga and exercise were discouraged. Music, reading, writing and other forms of mind stimulants were prohibited. I reluctantly discarded the crutches I clung to when shit hits the fan…

To ensure that our environment was Vipassana friendly we were to wear modest clothes, and hand over our car keys along with all our devices. “Noble Silence” commenced and would continue for 9.5 of the 10 days. There would be no physical contact, no eye contact, no gestures, nor any form of communication between students. Men and women were segregated. Dread hit home like a punch in the gut. 

I was assigned room C125. Peering into the room, I was relieved to see that it was a single. Relief was replaced by guilt for playing the cancer card to attain my solitude. It was the first and only time that I’d mentioned the cellular dysfunction in my body to my advantage. I quickly recognized my old program and cancelled my guilt. I’d put myself first, something I was incapable of doing prior to life with my Lump. I was making progress.

Sitting still for 10 days with my insides in a Gordian Knot was risky. I was prepared for an encounter with the Beast- the creature of many faces residing in my mind. It grabs me by the scruff of the neck and drags me down to its formidable lair. In the past it had held me captive with my bones rattling until I could fathom my way back up to the surface.

DAY 1 THE OMG FACTOR

The morning gong went off at 4 am. I implemented daily skin brushing to my monastic life at Vipassana. I brushed right over Lump thus stimulating blood flow to the stagnant area that had become the focal point of my life. That morning it was the size of a walnut. Being hormonally influenced it had a life of its own. That meant it morphed in shape, size, and texture depending on what signals were firing in my body at any given time. Even though I knew it was a shapeshifter, the big days still did a number on me.

4:30 am: The gong rang again to initiate meditation. We were given the choice to sit in our rooms or to convene in Dhamma Hall. I left my room since the potential for giving up would be too easy in private. I carried the familiar heavy feeling fastened to the now largest version of my lump down the dark hallway.

My piece of real estate in the hall for the rest of the program was in the last row. I patted myself on the back for having the foresight to bring my buckwheat meditation cushion. I used it as a moldable base on top of 2 pillows. As a result my hips were higher than my knees in a cross-legged position on my metaphorical throne. Thankfully as an avid yogi, I knew just where to place my props to sit comfortably. Suffice it to say, I’d never sat still in one position for 2 hrs. so I had a back up kneeling stool and an arsenal of more props to get me through the first long sit of the day.             

Imagine this: You are naked and bound tightly against a tree. A mass of crawling, skipping, pinching insects traverse your bare skin. The tidal wave of millions of rapid, tripedal gaits overwhelms you but you can not escape. The struggle to get away is all consuming. That is the best comparison I can imagine to what I endured that morning.

The instruction given to us was simple. Use the Anapana breath to solely observe the air moving in and out of the nose. The focus is on the very limited space between the upper lip and the wings of the nostrils. The little triangular space was to be the entire focus of the meditation. We were to objectively feel the sensation of every breath without changing its natural flow. Thus, began the training of the untamed mind. The focus it entailed literally blew my mind.

My thoughts were like leaves wildly swirling in a storm. They lured me into the manifold vortex of internal babblings. The moment I recognized my attention was away with my thoughts, self sabotage would take over.

Get it together, focus on your breath. You’re wasting meditation time on stupid thoughts. Do it right! No, don’t give yourself a hard time… Just let them go… No judgement… Just observe… How long? How much longer? When’s the fucking gong going to go off? GOD, I AM IN AGONY!

No, no, hone the mind…equanimous mind! Just fucking breathe for fucksakes! I’m breathing too loud...Fuck this, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why the hell am I doing this? Why do I make things so hard on myself? Am I a masochist? What is wrong with me? Right…I have fucking cancer…cancer…cancer. 10 hours a day for 10 days…OMG I can’t do this… How long? How much longer? How long? How much longer?

Big exhale. Then the pain! My folded up legs felt like they were between vice grips, both feet throbbed, my neck and shoulders buckled under the dense weight of my head, and my hips cramped struggling to maintain my faltering body structure.

That first sit knocked me flat out. There was not a sliver of peace-only a wild and raving rebellion. Every moment was an eternal longing to abort. There was no clock in the room and the anticipation of the gong ringing to finish was unbearable. When it finally rang, it took the greatest self restraint not to cry out. I painfully unravelled my rigid body and dragged my defeated self into the dining hall for breakfast.

Who gives a rats ass about enlightenment? I’d happily run with ignorance into bliss. That’s where I was at whilst slowly consuming stewed prunes on porridge. Listening to the symphony of food munching around me, I convinced myself I would be just as dedicated if I sat through the next session in my room. Ignorance is surely wonderful. I filled my bowl with another round of deliciousness and savoured every bite.  It was a delectable intermission before my next round with the Beast.

LESSON: “The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”-  Pema Chödrön

Sitting to find a seat in myself.