Tag: death

MEDICINE OF GRIEF

by Maasaisis

I am here, and she is not. She crossed the threshold two years ago to a place where the living can’t go. I sat with her and watched her close her eyes for the last time. I tenderly washed her porcelain body that shared a similar affliction as mine. In that extraordinary experience of witnessing true surrender, I both shattered and found healing in my heart. Sitting with death in such an intimate way brought to the surface what I hid inside. Beneath the surface of my blessed life lives the terror of leaving all that I cherish behind.

Every death caused by cancer unleashes a torrent of fear and grief. No matter how I try to reframe it with the belief that we are not our bodies, finality is a wound that heals and reopens with every loss. My beloved sister’s passing affected me deeply, and I wasn’t sure if I could show up. There was a constant tug of war between my love for her and the trauma of losing her.

How can I honour those who have passed without casting the dark shadow of death upon myself? How can I allow grief to meet grace? How can I nurture the resistance to push it away? How do I balance my capacity to honour what is mine to heal and showing up for those that I love? These were my prayers as the days drew closer to celebrating my dear friend who chose death for her liberation.

Ultimately, love wins. It was the rallying force of all those who loved her that called me back to join the circle of her radiance.The beautiful thing about grief is that it breaks us open and connects us in the most primordial way. It strips away the layers that keep us apart, exposing the glue that binds us together as One. Grieving for one thing is the same as grieving for all things. It doesn’t need to be named or categorized. It’s all the same, and there lies the medicine for us all.

Legendary stories were spun in the circle of friends who gathered for our beloved Scarlet. I was in awe that even after two years, she had the ability to bring us together again in such a profound way. In showing up, we consciously chose to harness her medicine for collective healing.

When I spoke in the circle, I couldn’t voice the truth of my grief. Instead, I found myself hovering in a safer place, sharing inappropriate stories and recalling her gift to make others shine. For those who knew her well, it was perfectly appropriate to celebrate her in this way.

I couldn’t speak out what was really there. I couldn’t say that I felt abandoned by her choice to leave or that I wanted her to fight harder because that is the voice of my own fear, and it’s mine to transmute.

I was a year into life with cancer by the time she was diagnosed. My coping mechanism stemmed from my incessant need to understand the origin of my disease. I empowered myself with discipline and sought knowledge—I refused to be a victim to the disease. She, however, was terrified. There were times when we could be together, and other times when her fear was too much of a trigger for me. I just couldn’t show up for her without completely unraveling myself.

I believed my role was to be strong, to assure her everything would be okay because ultimately I needed to believe it myself. When I couldn’t fulfill that, I thought it best to hide, to stay away, convincing myself we both needed to walk our own paths. Perhaps there could have been healing for both of us in falling apart together. Maybe I should have invited her into the domain of my own vulnerability, but at the time, I clung to the safety structure I’d built for my own survival, unable to let go. What I know now is that regret often accompanies grief, and the only path for healing is through forgiveness.

My beloved friend understood that I was shaking below the surface of my brave demeanor. She knew I couldn’t allow myself to fracture while facing my own mortality. Perhaps she thought I would try to change her mind? Maybe that’s why she didn’t tell me she was leaving, and why it took the power of the Holy Spirit to bring me to her side to witness her departure, to cast aside my terror and be there when it counted.

If it weren’t for the sequence of universal nudges that alerted me to what was happening, I would have missed the greatest gift Scarlet had to offer me. It wasn’t the gift of her healing from the disease; it was the gift of showing me that grace can accompany the greatest act of letting go. She cut the cord to life and allowed us to bear witness, showing us that we can come together and find closeness in what we all must face.

She continues to help me fill in the deep groove of fear from the other side. She encourages me to fall apart because no matter how many pieces are spread out all over the place, the glue is always tacky for love to put us together again. Her mighty spirit lives on in all of us.

I oscillate between lessons on the dichotomy of mortal and immortal teachings. The teachings from Spirit reinforce that our innate nature cannot be augmented, diminished, or extinguished, while the lessons from life remind us of our finite humanity. Through these teachings, we are brought together in the human experience, guiding us to embrace the unknowable. Together, we bridge the gap through our shared grief, vulnerabilities, regrets, and imperfections, forging a path towards what cannot be broken.

LESSON: I AM NOT A BODY. I AM FREE- LESSON 199 IN A COURSE IN MIRACLES



In Memory of Scarlet Mary Rose “Mother Of All”- By Maasa

Vipassana- Part 3

by Maasaisis

SITTING WITH DEATH

I used to pride myself for being Multitasker Extraordinaire- a Go Get Er Done Er kinda gal thriving on achievements. Like a Pac Man, I swallowed adversities whole with my eyes on the prize always. Digesting it properly was not an option because it was not efficient. I sidestepped my vulnerabilities and presented the good side with an exclamation mark. The question marks were left unattended.

Vipassana was the gateway- an invitation to get intimate with the unattended.

On the third day, I sat with death. It started with sharp, stabbing pains between my ribs near my lump. Someone told me that cancer is like having PTSD, with every new symptom of “abnormal” the mind goes to the worst-case scenario. Like a confirmation reminding you that there is an end and it might come sooner than later.

The pain I felt was significant. I tried to lasso my breath but couldn’t catch it. The sharp dagger in my chest dove deeper pressing against where I didn’t want to go. My body constricted, my heart raced. What if this is really serious? What if it metastasized into my lungs? Is this it? Maybe I came here to learn how to die? 

Fear penetrated my very essence and froze me in place. My mind wrote, edited and recited my own eulogy. A full blown panic attack exploded beneath the shell of my quiet seat. What would happen to my only child? How would my life partner of 20 years survive without me being his constant? How will I be remembered?…

I really don’t know how I managed to sit through that 90 min of hell. Perhaps it was a primal instinct of survival…to just hang on. I left the meditation Hall debilitated and collapsed into a shaking heap in my room. 15 minutes later I was back in the hall where Beast was waiting.

When babies are left to cry it out they eventually give up and stop crying. That’s what happened for the remainder of the afternoon meditations. I just gave in and let my mind shake, rattle and roll. I discovered a sliver of space between the escalating pain and my reaction to it. I struggled to come up for air there. I faced my greatest fear which was that my faith was misplaced….that the very making of me was a farce. Was I wrong and ignorant? Had I let cancer spread everywhere because I chose to believe in myself?

What sprung from the dark side was the urgency to face the truth. I needed certainly which meant I had to have a look inside. It became clear to me that the “not knowing” was the seed that fragmented the very structure of me. Was I riddled with cancer or had my healing practices helped at all? I hadn’t seen my doctor, oncologist or had any kind of scan for 5 months. I held fast to my conviction that everything that I was doing so diligently was healing me. The underbelly of my certainty was the epicenter of my fear. The trepidation of being wrong diverted me from facing facts. That was the real reason I hadn’t checked myself.

Ding! Gut check! This scary realization was the gift I received in those excruciating hours I sat with death. I committed to booking a diagnostic scan upon my return but first I had to survive the rest of Vipassana.

THE FRIENDS AND ENEMIES OF MEDITATION

There was a new notice on the bulletin board that described the friends and foes of meditation. As I read through the enemies list “Obsessive Scepticism” jumped out. Simultaneously, I heard a defensive voice in my head say “Oh no, you’re very open. You’re not skeptical at all!”. As I clung to scenarios where my optimism shined, I saw with blatant clarity that in regards to healing my optimist held hands with a rigid skeptic .

After my first and only appointment with the Oncologist then the Surgeon, I completely shut the door on conventional medicine. I poured every ounce of energy into researching alternative and holistic approaches to healing. I was very quick to be skeptical of any ideas or beliefs that challenged my own. Heck, I was skeptical of pretty much anything and anyone that didn’t align with how I wanted to shape my reality.

My initial feeling was one of dread but then it quickly shifted as I realized that the very awareness of the skeptic in me was a step in the right direction. Perhaps it was the effect of Vipassana that I was able to see the program that I was running. Being stuck in any which way of thinking shielded me from being receptive to potentially very important information. Being fixed on any kind of program may have inhibited not only my healing but my evolution. Wow, what a breakthrough….

Looking at the list again I was utterly humbled. I’d been in bed with the enemy without even knowing it. I realized what a trickster mind can be. It veils the scary stuff, the ugly stuff and disguises them as noble qualities. I was amazed that I didn’t immediately go into self-sabotage mode with this new awareness. Awareness… it’s on the list as my friend! Thank Christ! I stood there and burned both lists into my brain.

5 FRIENDS OF MEDITATION:                        

FAITH                                                                

EFFORT                                                              

AWARENESS                                                     

CONCENTRATION                                            

WISDOM                                                            

5 ENEMIES OF MEDITATION:

CRAVING

AVERSION

AGITATION

OBSESSIVE SCEPTICISM/ DOUBT

MENTAL/PHYSICAL SLUGGISHNESS

LESSON: “WE DON’T LIVE LONGER WHEN WE TRY NOT TO DIE. WE LIVE LONGER WHEN WE’RE TOO BUSY LIVING”

-Mathew McConaughey