Author: Maasaisis

The Things I Did- part 1

by Maasaisis

Every idea I pursued- regardless of its merit- was relevant because I attracted it with my drive to live. I accepted cancer as the physical manifestation of my soul’s longing- to calibrate with my inherent sanctity. It was literally poking out to say “Acknowledge Me!” The activation switch went on- causing a ripple effect that I chose to ride out. What came to me was perfectly orchestrated to unfold in sync with my personal development.

Experience transformed into steppings stones-eventually leading me to my pot of gold. The gold being the answer to the million dollar question- why did I get cancer? The answer was my cure. It’s only in looking back from where I’m at now, that I understand the significance of the journey. Even the loop-de-loops that got me disoriented and scared, was part of the grand course- leading me to the permanent breakup with my lump. Stay tuned… I promise more details in due time.

There is no such thing as setbacks or wrong choices. That’s the interesting thing about perspectives. It changes from every vantage point…

The first cancer book that came to me was truly a gift. “Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds” by Dr. Kelly A. Turner. This book was an affirmation- a confirmation that I too could experience a Radical Remission. In the field of integrative oncology, Dr.Turner discovered the lack of research on people who cured cancer by using unorthodox approaches. Her fascination with their recoveries- against all odds- became the basis of her astounding research.

Dr. Turner travelled around the world interviewing holistic healers and radical remission survivors. After talking to over 100 survivors and studying over 1000 radical remission cases, she discovered awe inspiring parallels- nine common themes that lead to their cures. Radical Remissions tells the tales of miraculous recoveries- each person attaining health in their own unique way yet, tied with common themes.

I felt a kinship with the stories in the book- like I’d found my tribe through the collective initiation ignited by cancer. It was as if I was reading various versions of my own story. I was connected to the survivors – intuitively seeking out what we all had in common.

The number 9 started making a regular appearance-marking it’s importance since my diagnosis on 9/9/’19. Curious about it’s meaning, I found this quote on numerology.com. “The energy of the number 9 represents completion, but not finality. Think of it more in a cyclical sense; it’s about the ending of one cycle and the potential it creates for another cycle to begin. The 9 in Numerology acts as an usher in this process of transition or transformation, guiding and empowering us with its wisdom. It absorbs answers from a spiritual source, then delivers them to us in the real world.”

The Nine Radical Remission Themes:

  1. Changing your diet
  2. Taking control of your health
  3. Following your intuition
  4. Using herbs and supplements
  5. Releasing suppressed emotions
  6. Increasing positive emotions
  7. Embracing social support
  8. Deepening your spiritual connection
  9. Having strong reasons for living.

The first seven months of navigating my way with my lumpy companion was like taming a wild horse. I’d have breakthroughs- flying on my ride then…it would start buckin’ and freakin’ just when I thought I had the damn beast tamed. This is the process of cultivating homeostasis in body, mind and spirit.

Carving out my own healing protocol involved research and commitment. There are plenty of fancy holistic cancer clinics with wondrous testimonials that lured me in. All I’d have to do was sign up, show up, and come up with a ludicrous sum of money to hand my healing over. The cost ran anywhere between $25,000 to over $100,000 USD with extra costs to consider for follow ups. It sure gets you thinking about what you are worth… If I would have chosen that route, I would have found a way to Club Cancer Med.

I found a center in Costa Rica close to where I spent seven winters frolicking with my beloved cetacean family. I’d be dialled in tropical paradise with gourmet raw food, fresh juices, yoga classes, counselling sessions, spiritual practices, cutting edge treatments- all under the supervision of highly qualified integrative doctors. I’d be in the company of others marked with the “C”…that in itself was comforting. I fantasized about spending my days off with my finned family which surely would have contributed to my healing. It would have been so much easier…less lonely…to let go of the reins and let someone else take charge… but…it wasn’t for me.

I conceived a plan to replicate the common denominators of what the clinics offered. Most of them followed intense detoxification protocols, supplementation, anti cancer diets and self inquiry practices. I was convinced that with enough research, I could mimic a similar program in the comfort of my own home- close to my family, where I believed was the best place for me to heal.

I discovered first hand that alternative treatments can be just as intrusive as conventional therapies if not approached in a balanced manner. My detox protocol was well on the way after my 33 day grape fast. I was proud of my shit- no pun intended. Regular, smooth, snaky coils and cloudy pee delighted me as evidence of good plumbing. I stayed on track and ate like a rabbit.

Inspired by the work of Ann Wigmore and the program she created for the Hippocrates Health Institute, I started growing and juicing my own wheatgrass. I nurtured my gut drinking homemade rejuvelac- an enzyme rich, fermented, probiotic drink made of sprouted wheat berries. I revered the sacred grass- supremely high in nutrients and antioxidants. I believed in it enough to take the emerald elixir up my ass! To insure the highest quality of grass, I aspired to make my own rich soil.

I’ll never forget forging through knee deep snow to my veggie garden- adamant to find worms beneath the blanket of winter. I dug furiously until I found enough worms to force them out of hibernation to work for me. I had my system dialed with several wheatgrass trays going at a time- harvesting and using the finished carpet of cuttings as food for my miracle compost.

I cried the day my compost went missing. Al mistakenly took out the garbage can which was my compost factory. Thinking it was where I put the cat litter, he took it to the dump without looking inside. I’d grown that soil for weeks- anticipating my miracle cure. I diverted my devastation and took it as a sign to declare the end of my wheatgrass craze…

I followed the Gerson method aiming to drink 13 glasses of veggie juice a day. I ate raw-carefully planning out my meals days in advance so nuts were soaked and beans were sprouted in time to construct my meals. I ate cloves of garlic… Al could taste it when he kissed me. I restricted the consumption of oils so my cells wouldn’t get gunked up. I practiced 16 hours of intermittent fasting between my last and first meal of the day.

I joined online forums looking for radical remission survivors and found a woman who cured Non Hodgkin’s Follicular Lymphoma. She became a great ally, someone I could lean on when I got shaky. I had wonderful support from friends and family but they were not in the ring with me. She was one of many angels that blessed me along the way.

Triple handfuls of expensive supplements went down the hatch three times a day- washed down with herbal concoctions for every system in my body. I received lengthy IV infusions and stinging bites of mistletoe inoculations. Morning rituals with yoga and meditation- evening soaks in Moor Mud. Weekly dives into my can of worms and spilling my beans to my Acupuncturist. I skin brushed, I saunaed, I enemaed, I Wim Hoffed and baptized myself in frigid water on a daily basis.

I sat with Cymatic recordings of high-frequency sound waves and directed it to my lump. I practiced Ho’ponopono-expressing repentance, forgiveness, love, and gratitude. The Buddhist Heart Sutra did what “Eye Of The Tiger” did for Rocky Balboa. At night, I wrapped up my lump in flannel, soaked in castor oil and Frankincense- hoping that one day I’d wake up and it’d be gone….

and then…

The Cold Sheet Treatment- the pinnacle of my healing crisis…

To be continued on my next post…

Stepping Into The Quantum Field

by Maasaisis

A parable came my way and it stuck. It said something like this…

There’s a man on the road to self realization. His destination is fathomable yet, he is unsure of how to get there. He’s been following the path that he’s on with the daunting knowledge that one day, it will come to a fork. Which way will he go once he gets there? Pondering the inevitable point of decision making, dread dawns on him. He is tormented by the 50-50 chance of making the wrong decision. The closer he gets to the intersection, the more anxious he feels… Whilst absorbed in the potential future dilemma, he is missing gifts along the current path. With his shoulders slumped and head bowed down, he finally reaches the fork. He lifts his head and sees a huge sign that says “Go This Way”.

I’m learning that you don’t need to know how to get where you want to get to. You just need to be clear of the destination and experience it like you are already there. One day, sometime in mid October around the time I finished my grape fast, a profound occurrence spontaneously wired into my circuit. I was mindfully walking, matching meaningful breaths with every conscious step. The fall colors, celebrated the initiation of dormancy in hues of brilliant amber and gold. How can I be broken when I feel so alive?

I stepped through an invisible door- into an alternate reality where I did not have cancer. It was not just a thought or a fantasy…I experienced it. I felt every cell in my body pulsating -robustly imbued with life force. I ecstatically experienced my impromptu remission with all of my senses- so much so that tender tears streamed down my face. In an exalted state of sublime knowing, gratitude washed over me wave after wave. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

The message was potent and clear. I am not broken, I am whole, I am perfect, I AM living, I am here… A new practice was set in place, like an imprint into my blueprint. I would recruit my feelings and experience my intention as if I have already attained it. I focused on the end goal- fusing it with emotion- eradicating the need to know how.

I didn’t know the physics at the time to understand that I had stepped into the Quantum Field. I visited a timeless, parallel reality where I was healed – magnetized to go there again and again. Soon after that walk, Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work dropped into my life to reinforce my Quantum assimilation. I was in awe as he described what I had experienced from an energetic reference point.

Dr. Joe says, “From a Quantum Perspective, if you observe yourself in a particular new future that was different from your past- expected that reality to occur, and then emotionally embraced the outcome, you’d be for-a moment- living in that future reality, and you would be conditioning your body to believe that it was in the future in the present moment. The body doesn’t know the difference between an experience and a thought. You can literally change your biology, neural circuitry, chemistry, hormones and genes simply by having an inner event.”

At the basic level Quantum science made sense to me. Dr. Sue Morter’s book “The Energy Codes” simplified Quantum physics to my level of understanding. Her book was like a manual explaining my innate knowing from a greater vantage point. I was already following my intuition, doing what she wrote about- skimming the surface of my expansive potential. That fact alone fortified the interconnectedness of Energy Beings. Dr. Morter calls life on Earth “Project Awakening”- I say “Hell ya!”

With a deeper understanding of how to utilize the Quantum field, I began to fine tune my practice with focus and intent. I used practical exercises in her book to ignite new circuits to manifest my reality. I accepted my reality as a reflection of my energy and made necessary adjustments to stay true to my aspirations. It’s a constant practice fluxing between what was and what can be.

Everything is made up of energy. Even at the smallest atomic level, there is energy vibrating. Our reality is the manifestation of our energy frequencies. What we vibrate is what we bring in. Wanting is different then having. When you are wanting, you are vibrating from a frequency of lack, thus attracting the same kind of energy pattern. When you have, it’s a different frequency all together. By creating a frequency of already having what you want with all the feelings attached to it, you draw like energy into your life. That is the gist of how quantum physics works.

I sit with having what I want. I have select music that induces alpha/theta brain wave state where one is most suggestable. I learned this through basic hypnotherapy. I use grounding breaths to take residence in myself. Once settled within, I scan my energy body. When I’m really tuned in, I can feel the subtle current- I get it flowing until I’m an open conduit between earth and sky. As an open vessel, I aim to love myself wholeheartedly before cycling through images of my projected reality. I live it as if it’s happening in real time.

I step into my dining room where my dearest friends and family are gathered to make my big announcement. I am bursting with excitement as I declare, “I did it! My body healed!” My friends explode in jubilation- picking me up, twirling me around, squeezing me with love- confetti everywhere and music is cued right on time for us to bust a move in celebration!

I’m walking down the stone steps in my wedding dress with a traditional Japanese sash wrapped around my waist. I am growing tall with every step, inhabiting myself with authenticity-moving closer to my love awaiting me at the altar. We are surrounded by loved ones-those who have witnessed my journey. I am beautiful, radiant and in pristine health- showing up with presence to our binding ceremony. I make my vow to myself and to my husband.

Most days, my meditations conclude with a flood of gratitude- because gratitude comes from already having something that you are grateful for. Gratitude amplifies emotion and superfies the power to manifest. I did this for months until I truly stepped into the reality I experienced so many times before. On Aug. 23, 2020 I married my love, exactly as I created it.

Dr. Morter; a master of bioenergetic medicine explains that health is a return to the Soulful Self. There’s a line from her book that I continuously come home to when I get shaky. Everything happens for our benefit-everything. No matter how dark our lives may seem, there lies an opportunity to wake up to ourselves- as the creators of our existence. Dr. Morter says pain and suffering comes from the Protective Self that believes that we are broken, inadequate, and alone. Our issues come from forgetting our true nature- our capabilities and potential as energy beings. Rather than focusing on what is wrong with us, what would happen if we claimed our experiences as a process of our evolution?

My favourite parable in “The Energy Codes” is the Cosmic Bus Stop. This is where Souls hang out pausing before the next incarnation. Souls are conversing about what they need to learn in the next life for their evolution. One says, I want to learn unconditional love, another says courage, while another says understanding my true nature. The conversation goes on and on. “I’m going in for a level 10 lesson on forgiveness” says someone. “Wow, that’s intense, how you gonna do that?” asks the others. “Well, someone would have to do something reprehensible- like drink too much and get in a head on collision with me and kill someone I love while crippling me. I would have to endure anger, pain and immense suffering until I recognize my unforgiveness is the cause of my suffering. Then I would have to forgive. Who wants to volunteer to be the drunk driver?” A brave Soul pipes up and volunteers because he is ready for a level 10 lesson on Self Love. In this way, both Souls set their intentions for their incarnations- initiating each other’s evolution.

What if we are all generating our own challenges, hardships, and pain for our Soul’s progression? What if it’s a gift to awaken to our magnificence no matter how excruciating it gets? I’ve thought of her parable many times thinking of all the unjust, horrific realities that humans are made to endure. This idea turns victimhood into an expansive opportunity for growth. The larger picture helps me to accept not just my own adversities, but to see world as an intricate web of souls playing out their contract.

LESSON: “Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you can not help but get that reality. This is not philosophy, this is physics”. -Albert Einstein

The Cancer Anthem

by Maasaisis

It rolled under my fingertip, hard and smooth like a BB gun pellet. I passed it between my index and middle finger testing its travel. It had an inch radius of free movement. I’m fine…It’s moving….I was frantic in my effort to convince myself which had the opposite effect.

I kept going back to that phone call- when she choked out the words breast cancer. I remember instinctively planting my hand over my chest as if to deflect the words coming at me. I was abandoned by my ability to problem solve in a moment of crisis. My response was an echo of her crying and the words I spluttered out without conviction. “You’re gonna be ok…” but I didn’t know… It wasn’t the cancer that rattled me, it was the powerlessness of not knowing.

That phone call haunted me for weeks. My brain wired it into a synapse and it fired in the space between other thoughts. Cancer, cancer, cancer…Every time I’d hear it, I’d viciously shake my head attempting to vanquish the terrifying incantation. It followed me everywhere, tainting my life with it’s shadow- possessing me with it’s power. Maybe It was a precognition. Maybe I knew I would get it…or maybe I created it…

I used every practice in my metaphysical tool box to exorcise the demon to no avail. I finally succumbed to the only thing I hadn’t tried which was to have it looked at. Being a stubborn alternative health patriot, the idea of getting my breast viscripted between metal plates while exposed to radiation repelled me.

That morning there was a humble determination behind my prayer. I spoke out with sentiment, requesting for a clear sign on how to proceed. It was on the drive down to the gym when the ad appeared in my mind. It was an ad I saw years ago- an image of breasts like mountain peaks in the changing colours of fall. I flashed back to the waiting room at the chiropractor’s office, reading the poster in front of me. It explained Thermography as a non invasive diagnostic tool- using an infrared camera to capture heat patterns in muscular tissues. By analyzing the readings, it can be used to detect temperatures variances to diagnose Breast Cancer.

The secretary at the chiro office recalled that the technician was from Ottawa and seldom came through town. While at the gym, I asked my Acupuncturist friend if she knew of anyone offering Thermography. Surprisingly, she recently received an email about it and promised to forward it to me. After the gym, I went straight to my spa to massage my first client of the day. After the session, I hopped on the computer to find my friends email already in my inbox.

My breath got caught when I opened the attachment. It was the very poster I saw in my mind that morning! I was suspended in space as I read the information that came with it. The very same woman from Ottawa was offering an information seminar about Thermography- in the very hotel that my spa was attached to…that very night.

The Thermograph reading put me at a TH-2, statistically associated with benign disorders. My MD still wanted me to undergo further screening. We agreed on an ultrasound as a safe secondary measure. The ultrasound confirmed that the lump was most likely a benign cyst. The only way to find out for sure was with a needle biopsy which I declined. Two tests results pointing in the same direction was enough to put my mind at ease. I accepted the pellet inside me as non hostile, finally silencing the scary cancer chant.

Fast for forward 1 year later…

My arms were stretched over my head while Al munched on my body. Through the slit of my relaxed eyes, I noticed the speed bump on the contour my breast. “Babe, it’s bigger.”

The cancer anthem started again-amped up with full volume. I finally accepted that it would take a biopsy to put an end to the noise. It was early July- the spa was well into the busy summer months of pampering clients. I booked my appointment after August, Labour Day weekend- strategically planning to deal with the “what if” with the winding down of my spa. In the meantime, I continued to cyclone between my businesses and my home life. Summer went by in a flash and ended with an explosion.

The first call I made was to the spa. Rather than calling Al to shatter together, I held myself together and took care of business. The fact that my instant concern was for my clients should have been the telling tale. I told Front Desk to move my schedule ahead two weeks. I actually believed that I’d sort myself out in no time. Something happened after I hung up- the gravity of my situation revealed the ridiculousness of my action. I’m an optimist at heart but something else was evidently at play. I became the witness and observed what I had done in order to maintain order…I was wired for efficiency. I opened the trap door, shoved down my crisis and nailed the door shut. For the first time in my life, I saw my emergency operating manual and it was fucked up.

LESSON: THERE’S AN INVISIBLE LINE THAT EXISTS BETWEEN OPTIMISM AND SUPPRESSION. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

F.E.A.R.

by Maasaisis

False Evidence Appearing to be Real

Patterns attributing to my state of being became evident- leading me to make the necessary adjustments. Knowing that energy follows attention, I calibrated with what elevated my frequency. I distanced myself from social media, I stayed away from negative people, I altered my vocabulary to accommodate possibility, I sought out people who empowered me, and I only followed research that inspired me.

Cancer is neon sign that says “FRAGILE-HANDLE WITH CARE”. People treat you differently- you become misinterpreted. You’re suddenly in the limelight as the one pressed against time. You become the representative of the inevitable ending that we all must face. It scares people… Who you are as person becomes secondary to the diagnosis.

I stopped associating myself as someone with cancer. I burned the neon sign. I was not fragile, I did not feel sick, and I did not want to be handled with care. Quite the contrary, I had never felt better in my life! For the first time in a long time, my life was simple. My only job was to look after myself and my family. For most of my adult life, my energy was directed outwardly. My lump spun me 180° and turned me inward.

When I taught natural birth classes, my primary goal was to downgrade fear. In order to do that, negative beliefs around birth needed to change. I got moms pumped on their original design. I amazed them with true facts about their unique anatomy and it’s miraculous capabilities. I affirmed their role as creators- empowering them with knowledge. If they didn’t believe in themselves, I helped them to believe in the function of their body. I showed them “what is” rather then “what if’s”. Energy follows thought. Assuming the worst case scenario robs us of our potential.

The body responds to perceived threats even if it is not real. That means there is a biological reaction to F.E.A.R. to ensure our survival. If I believe that someone is following me- my blood pressure would rise, there’d be a rush of adrenaline, heart rate would increase, and my breaths would quicken to help me out run the non existent perpetrator. The thought creates a chain reaction to prioritize my immediate survival, which puts healing on the back burner. What would happen if we are in a constant state of F.E.A.R?

Our beliefs reflect how we interpret the world around us. It’s influenced by cultural conditioning, herd mentality, what we’ve learned, heard, and experienced through life. It’s the filter in which we experience our reality. If we are to overcome F.E.A.R we must look at the structure of our beliefs.

My healing protocol was quite simple- Do whatever it takes to believe in myself. When fear slammed into me, I examined it’s source. Was it warranted? Is the threat actual? Where did it come from?

It became painfully obvious when I let my guard down because my body retaliated with physical symptoms. I paid a hefty price when my mind went running with F.E.A.R. It took an incredible amount of discipline and faith to reel myself back in. When I succeeded, my symptoms went away. I used my pitfalls as data to strengthen my core belief that healing is a mindset. It takes practice.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used to create them.

-Albert Einstein

LESSON: HEALING IS A MINDSET

Confused, scared and doubting myself.
F.E.A.R lead me to believe that cancer spread to my eyes. Against my better judgement, I googled breast cancer and eyes. I found numerous articles relating breast cancer to ocular metastasis. Bone shattering fear had a direct effect . The very next day my eyes exploded!
Close to throwing in the towel…In my last ditch effort to stay on my path- I gave myself 3 days to radically shift my state. It was the greatest test of my belief. I went all in and reset my mindset.
You know what…I did it! This is me after 3 days. I did not take any medications.

Remembery

by Maasaisis

This post is an edited excerpt from a story I started years ago. It’s eerily a precognition of my healing journey. Remembery is a word I created…thinking about a time before I was inflicted with the “I’m not enough” program. Perhaps it was before this life time…remembering the memory of who I truly am. Remembery…

“Akasha gasped beneath the dead weight over her chest. Crushed under the massive load of the Lackling, her lungs laboured for sustenance. Dread echoed throughout her body as she frantically thrashed against the formidable bulk. Hundreds of creeping tendrils twisted around her, looking for a way in. 

Under the sudden assault, Akasha’s state of Remembery was slight. She was discombobulated…the leverage against her was profound. In a moment the tendrils would reach the essence of her Remembery. Soon, she would lose herself completely and become one of them…

It would be so much easier to just let go….to let it have me…

No…No….Nooooooo!!….

Remembery commanded- “Be still!”

Akasha immediately directed her focus inward. She let the outside world fall away as she dove into her center. Slowing down her heartbeat, she aligned with every pulse… every beat was confirming that she was still alive. Her life was so incredibly precious… Then she felt it. The golden glow of gratitude swept through her-dissolving every limiting belief she had of herself. The light revealed an extraordinary being…the essence of her Remembery. The Eternal One- that- she – IS.

She was of One. There was no end…there was no lack, there was no fear…there was no separation….She saw herself in the Lackling. The part of herself that had forgotten who she was. The part of herself that was never enough… It was not a monster. It was lost-detached from its essence, trying to feed on what it was missing.

There in a still awakening, the incantation came back to her. Like a blade of grass breaking through the concrete. Akasha screamed out the sacred mantra with the last bit of air left in her lungs.  “ISBEEEEEEE!” The Lackling freed from it’s eternal lack, instantly dissipated into the universe.

Remembery is Truth- passed on from the first breath of the first Be-Ing from whence we all came. We existed in supreme wholeness until Duality took place. A seed of a small thought provoked separation-individualization. That’s how we became disconnected…that’s how the Lacklings came to be. Remembery is what brings us home to ourselves when we get lost- lest we wander too far away…”

LESSON: STAY TRUE TO MY REMEMBERY.

33 Day Grape Fast

by Maasaisis

Maybe things fall apart in order to be put back together in a better way. A solid structure can’t be built on a shoddy foundation. In order to regenerate my system I decided to start with a meticulous deep clean of my insides. I instinctively responded to my diagnosis by going on an alkaline diet. As a health professional I knew that inflammation is the leading cause of disease. Dismissing foods that are acidic in nature seemed like the rational thing to do. I stopped eating meat, dairy, grains, beans, nuts, seeds and gluten. I needed to go deeper…

Synchronicities became more acute as I utilized my intuition like a tuning fork. It was clear to me that I needed professional guidance for a complete detox protocol. I didn’t want to get bombarded via internet research and get caught up in the vortex of vast opinions and contradictions. I wanted a direct line through someone who had experienced results. I put it out to the Powers Be to set me up.

I don’t believe in coincidences. I bumped into a friend of mine who introduced me to the work of Dr. Robert Morse-a naturopathic physician, biochemist, iridologist and master herbalist. Like myself, Amanda had been primarily on a Paleo/ Keto type diet for many years. After discovering Dr. Morse she switched to a high fruit and raw food diet. Within a couple of months, she miraculously reversed Hashimoto autoimmune disease. She also cured Babesiosis-a parasitic infection in the red blood cells that caused her a host of issues. I hadn’t seen her in a while…the last time I saw her she was run down and not doing so well. There, in the produce section with a basket full of colourful fruit she exuded radiance. The proof was in the pudding.

In a YouTube episode about breast cancer, Dr. Morse laid out my action plan in under 5 min. I liked him immediately. He spoke with conviction and with heart- simply explaining the process of disease as cause and effect. Rather than treating the symptom, he addresses the cause through detoxification and alkalization. In 1972 Dr. Morse walked his talk by going on a 6 month orange fast, experiencing first hand the profound benefits of detoxing. The evidence is in his own experience, along with thousands of people who cured their illness by using his protocol.

He says disease is a state of acidosis-a buildup of waste in our system. He emphasizes the vital importance of functional elimination to repair the body. The lymphatic system acts like the body’s septic system, carrying waste to the kidneys to be filtered out. An overload of toxins and cellular waste material backs up the lymph channel. That’s what can cause lumps and bumps- when waste has nowhere to go. If the kidneys are not functioning properly to get the garbage out…well…we get a shit show.  That’s what disease is…

Dr. Morse doesn’t perceive cancer as a death sentence. He encourages us to understand the process of disease-to take responsibility for our health issues and get to work. I love that he put the onus on me. He says first repair, then rebuild, then regenerate.  I got going on the grapes. 

Animals fast when they are sick because it takes energy to digest food. When the body is compromised, energy must be diverted to the immune, lymphatic and endocrine systems to restore the body back to homeostasis. What I learned was that amino acids build tissue and sustains most bodily functions. Proteins from animals take a lot of energy to break down into usable amino acids. Fruits and veggies have simple amino acids that’s easy for the body to utilize while detoxing. That’s probably why most holistic cancer clinics promote plant based diets for their patients.

In 1927 Johanna Brandt left her home in South Africa with a mission to bring the Grape Cure to America. She discovered that the foods she ate had an effect on the progression and remission of her cancer. After much experimentation on herself, Brandt cured her stomach cancer fasting on grapes. Why grapes? Grapes have a ton of antioxidants to protect cells from free radical damage. Resveratrol in the skin of grapes has shown to be effective in detoxing lymph and kidneys. I bowed down to the queen of fruit and made my commitment.

I ate grapes, grapes and more grapes for 33 days. When I got sick of plunking the plump, fruit into my mouth, I got creative. I made grape slushies, pressed it into juice, and even transformed them into frozen treats. I stayed on course because my life depended on it. Yes, it was hard at first but mortality is a great motivator.  I altered my perception of food. I ate for no other reason than to heal. 

It simplified my life to not have to think about what to eat. After I got over the hump of the first week, I experienced a radical shift. I calibrated to a higher frequency.  I felt elevated… light…like a machine running on clean, boundless energy. My senses became more acute, thoughts were crisp and spacious. I was in love with life.

Dr Morse recommends staying on the fast until the tongue is healthy pink, and the kidneys filtering optimally. By the third day my tongue was coated in black mucus. The sludge coming out the other end was gasp-worthy. Both my bathrooms were equipped with mason jars to inspect my urine. Clear pee indicated that the kidneys were not filtering properly. Cloudy pee with sediment was what I was after. I went for several sessions of colonics to flush out my bowels. What can I say…nothing like being probed in the buttholio to keep it real.

It took 33 days to get clean. I followed Dr. Morse’s recommendation to break the fast by introducing other fruits one at a time. For every three days of fasting- a day of fruit, which meant I’d be a fruitarian for an extra 10 days. After 43 days I’d lost 30 pounds- Al had nothing to grab onto when he reached for my ass. In exchange for the weight lost, I’d gained a whole lot of insight. I was intimately connected to myself-solid on my path.

LESSON: ALTER PERCEPTION TO ATTAIN GOALS

Healing Box

by Maasaisis

I’m sweating profusely, cross legged in my Infrared healing box. When did I lose sight of myself and how did it happen?

My eyelids are barely touching. I’m using my breath to syphon the energy of creation through me. I’m tapped deep in the Earth funneling its pristine energy into the bowl of my belly. I let it glow in there-encouraging the light to dissolve my undigested moments. I inhale the light into the chamber of my heart so I can see what’s in there. I’m deeply present and open to receive insight. I’m letting go of what is not serving me… letting it spill over the contours of my naked body.

I teleport…

Cocooned inside my mother’s womb I am safe and weightless… I float in my dark, cozy, universe with the constant companion of her heartbeat. Suddenly, light smashes in and I’m ripped out of her belly. I’m out of my element, thrashing the weight of my body against gravity…I can’t hear the assuring sound of her heartbeat…The glue that was supposed to stick us together is beginning to dry. 3 days pass… She’s finally holding me…trying to piece us together but we are not fitting .

Mama was preparing Osechi-ryori, a traditional Japanese New Year’s meal when I set things in motion a month early. She laboured for 3 torturous days until finally surrendering to the knife. She said that all the running around in preparation for New Year had made me come early. Experiencing my birth in my healing box I understood otherwise. My Soul chose to come early because how I was born set the trajectory for the lessons I agreed to learn in this lifetime. The very driver of how I pushed through life seeking for approval, acceptance and love all began with my landing. It was the contract I signed before I got here.

Mama came from a wealthy, traditional, Japanese family. My grandfather was an established architect and my grandmother was an esteemed nurse. Being the black sheep of the family Mama left Japan as soon as she was old enough to break free. She liberated herself from the constraints of what was expected of her. My grandparents had high hopes to arrange her marriage to a prevalent Japanese doctor or lawyer. Instead, Mama brought home a Scottish hippie from her travels and pronounced that they were to be married.

My grandparents’ status took a dive bomb when both their daughters married penniless Scotsmen. My Aunt married my Da’s best friend and between the two sisters the Aichi bloodline was tainted by six half breed grandchildren.

My relationship with Jichan (grandfather) has always been on “alert” status. I developed the keen sense to be acutely aware of the smell of sake on him. My caution around him varied depending on the intensity of his smell.

The room reeks of sake… Jichan is pinning Bachan to the ground trying to burn her face with a cigarette. Mama’s piercing scream immobilizes me. I’m frozen to the spot where I’m hiding…my only movable parts are my eyes daring to look. Bachan’s crying face is gripped between his fingers- her anguished face trying to retreat from the hot end of the cigarette. Mama is prying his arm back-her long, raven, hair is whipping wildly about. They look like fighting animals scrapping in a heap. Jichans red, spiteful, face burns into me...

I am experiencing my own story from a new vantage point. In the next scene, I’m eagerly waiting for Jichan, returning from his trip to America.

Jichan has a fancy, new fedora on- one that he picked up in America. He’s calling my little brothers over to give them souvenirs. They squeal in delight and launched themselves onto his lap. The boys are not cautious because they don’t need to be. They have a biological advantage over me by having an appendage that I do not have. I am patiently waiting to be called over for my gift. My brothers are playing with their new toys. I’m still waiting… Jichan does not acknowledge my presence. Bachan is kneeling on the tatami close by- I catch the pain in her eyes. It dawns on me that there is no piece of America wrapped up for me.

If I had happy memories with Jichan they are buried somewhere beneath the heavy ones. He reinforced the lessons my Soul chose to learn. He was not a bad man, he came in with his own contract. He showed his love by accepting our “out of ordinary” status.

I attended Japanese public school and stuck out like a sore thumb. Everything about my demeanor was Japanese but there was no way to disguise the look of the Gaijin-the outsider. I inherited the best traits from both my parents. I accepted being gaped at and openly commented on. “Look at how long her legs are…how curvy her butt is…how tall she is…the red highlights in her hair… look at the size of her feet!…” I kept quiet like a good Japanese girl and let their words push me out to sea.

I am a weeping statue in my box, weaving through memories and following the clues. I’d knocked the first domino tile over. The long winding trail of tiles are collapsing beautifully on top of each other. Each tile is telling a story and connected to the next one…it’s unveiling the secrets of how I came to be. At the end of the line must be my essence…my medicine.

LESSON: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR MY BENEFIT

Da and Mama-Wedding Day

Making Amends

by Maasaisis

The humbling process of purification began. I acted on impulse to cleanse my thoughts, my body, and my behaviour with the intention to elevate my state of being. It was time for shugyo. Shugyo is a Japanese word for the process of training the body and mind. The objective is to purify one’s character while obtaining knowledge. 

I stopped eating foods produced from anything with a heart beat. I liberated my breasts from the constraint of my bra. I stopped wearing makeup, deodorant, and looking into the mirror for imperfections. I aimed to speak truthfully. I put the scale away and let my body hair grow- not because I didn’t care…because I needed to get intimate with the raw material buried beneath a lifetime of presenting myself. I dug deep for authenticity and coaxed it to the surface.

I wrote letters of apologies to people who suffered the consequence of my ego. Being sensitive in nature I had carried the weight of my guilt rather than admitting to my wrong doing. Even when I labeled the incident as insignificant, it sat as an undigested morsal putrefying inside. It was a milestone to be fragile. I understood that conflicts in my life sprung from lack of self love. It was safer to project outwardly than to take responsibility for my vulnerability.

The letters came from the heart, flowing with integrity. I didn’t tell them what had sparked the sudden necessity for atonement. I sent them off without expectations. What I received in return was proof that in essence we are all of the same. Not only was I forgiven by each person they too owned their part in the conflict that transpired. I even received words of kindness in return. By setting my burdens free, I discovered the magical ripple effect of making amends.

People have showered me with compliments in the past- “You’re so beautiful, so talented, so strong, so amazing…” but their words bounced off my deflector shield. When I was younger I countered with “ No I’m not” and pointed out my shortcomings while blowing them up bigger than the compliments given. As I got older I recognized it was impolite to respond that way. Instead, I said “thank you” while internally refuting their words as lies. I transformed their gift into ammunition and pushed harder to be better.

In writing those letters I had put my shield down. I was out in the open with my heart exposed and It was beautiful. In making amends with others I learned to make amends with myself. I’m letting it ripple out.

Making Amends- Painting by Maasa

LESSON: “ Healing is the end of conflict with yourself”

-Stephanie Gailing

Motherwit

by Maasaisis

I’m walking through the quiet forest with tears streaming down my face. This has become a regular occurrence since I’ve awoken from my emotional stupor. I am feeling connected to everything. The floodgates are wide open. Prior to my life with Cancer, crying was a rarity in my life. My “feelings” took a back seat to my optimal functioning.

Here I am, lingering in an embrace with a tree, weeping over my whole life’s worth of tears I was unable to shed. What’s happening to me? Am I able to feel because mortality is knocking at my door? Is this an opportunity to be awed by existence before I go? How did I become a human DOING instead of a human BEING? How did I miss all of this?

The day that I found out I was pregnant, I already knew that I would have my child at home. There was no fear. I was in wonder of my body’s ability to create a conscious being inside me. How could such a perfectly divine system fail when it came time for birthing? They call this mother wit; the presence of innate knowing. It was unshakable. I knew I could do it, even though I had never done it before.

I was only a few centimetres dilated after labouring all night. When the midwife suggested induction at the hospital, my survival mechanism directed me inward. It was time for a serious chat with my creation. Let’s get this going now babe, what do I need to do? I was spent from pacing around my house, groaning and swiveling my hips for hours on end. Exhausted as I was, I refused to throw in the towel. Common babe, we can do this!

A clear voice came through like a thunderbolt. Start bouncing! I responded immediately and that’s when things got rolling. I felt myself align with omnipotent energy. In an altered state, my entire existence hinged on staying present on every wave. I rode it out without anticipating where it would take me. I was suspended in time, fully engrossed in the sensations… I trusted the process. I didn’t let doubt in.

After an arduous labour, my girl popped her head out crushed against the crook of her elbow. I’ll never forget the look on the midwife’s face. “Maasa, I have to push the baby back in and rearrange her”. Without hesitation I said “Do it!” A higher knowing was piloting my experience. There was no questioning, only absolute certainty in what had to happen. Lanoa finally made her grand entrance after I birthed her twice. It was the most remarkable moment of my life.

It’s that same intrinsic wisdom guiding me now. I know everything is happening for my benefit, no matter what happens. It’s like I got amnesia and forgot who I am. I lost myself while I was busy presenting to the world. Maybe cancer is a process of remembrance? Maybe that’s why some call it the wisdom disease.

LESSON: TRUST MOTHERWIT

What If I’m Wrong?

by Maasaisis

What if I’m wrong? What if my knowing is deceiving me to believe that I’ve got this? What if I am overly optimistic, blind, reckless and signing my own death warrant? What if I’m misreading the signs?

Fear is a sly shapeshifter. It can morph into anything to serve its purpose to shake, rattle and bowl you over. It can disguise itself, entering mind like an ordinary thought with a slight edge. It comes in quietly, barely unnoticed, seeking out his friend.

Fear looks into the tiny cracks between thoughts where Doubt likes to live. Doubt and Fear have been BFFs since the beginning of time. They are tied by each others mutual pleasures to wreak havoc on all that is pure and good. They can cause plenty of unpleasantries on their own. Joined together they are a force to be reckoned with. They are relentless in their approach to defeat the human spirit.

There is a fantastic story written in Pema Chodron’s book “When things Fall Apart”. For her final test the master of a young warrior tells her to go into battle with Fear. Even with all the training the young warrior had, her bones shook at the thought of facing the formidable Fear. The day of the battle the warrior stood facing the massive, dark shape of Fear unable to control her shaking.

LESSON: DON’T DO WHAT FEAR IS TELLING ME TO DO.

Even in her terror, the warrior remembered her teachings. Being taught to respect her opponent she went forth, prostrated three times, and asked for permission to go into battle. Surprised, Fear thanked her for her respect in asking. Then drawing up her courage the warrior asked “Fear, how may I possibly defeat you?” Fear replied, “I am very loud, I get right up into your face, terrify you, paralyze you, then command you to do what I say. But… I have no power over you if you don’t obey me.” Heeding Fear’s advice the young warrior was able to defeat it by not obeying Its word.