I can now stick the tip of my pinky finger into the black crater of my putrefying tumour and watch my nail disappear. My curiosity meets my repulsion as I wiggle my finger around, discovering new caverns of hollow spaces. I remind myself that although the foul-smelling decomposition of my flesh brings me to the brink of losing whatever foothold I have, I’ve been primed and ready for this by what I’ve learned through German New Medicine. Belief is also a choice, and right now I’m anchoring myself to whatever keeps me steady in the wild terrain of my mind.
I’m cautious about certainty, but my intuition tells me that I’m witnessing evidence of cancer cells dying off and my tumour shrinking. This gruesome biological process seems to be nature’s way of degrading what is unhealthy and unwanted. I can feel the tight ball of unruly cells retreating into itself, pulling on the network of connective tissue and causing inflammation that blocks lymphatic pathways. The tension is felt from the ribs below my breast, up my inner arm, and wrapping around to my lats. The squeezing of nerves sends sharp echoes into my bones.
I recognize that the details I’m sharing may be offensive or interpreted as a cry for help. Perhaps it is. I write as a way to release the pressure building in my mind and to alchemize dark thoughts into clarity. Space is crucial for me to orbit. My intention to be transparent and honest is to invite what wants to be revealed, giving me the opportunity to heal both my mind and body. Whether driven by my ego, a need to document my journey, or as a necessary form of therapy to keep going, I also hope it may serve others in some way, as I utilize creativity as my rose compass on my healing journey.
I’m still learning to balance what fuels my spirit with the patience and care my body needs. I’m getting better at gauging whether I’m overextending myself or being too cautious and limiting my experiences. There’s always room to pivot and respond if I allow myself the space to change my mind. If I impose too many boundaries on how I think I should be or what I can and can’t do, it creates a cage that leads to self-induced suffering.
I knew that a full weekend of vending my visionary crafts, dancing flamenco, and consciously connecting with those who attended the opening of my art exhibit would test my capacity for output. Needless to say, it was a testament to how love and the joy of heartfelt connection are precious medicines for my soul.
Bare-breasted, I sit as the wound clinic nurse cleans my oozing opening. I feel deeply irritated when she asks why I haven’t had the tumor removed. I haven’t seen this nurse before; her curt foreign accent makes her sound harsh and too direct for my sensitive state after a big weekend. The sleepless nights, punctuated by sharp pain and the emotional toll of the drugs I took to manage it, along with a general feeling of being ‘over it,’ contributed to my irritation. Instead of lashing out or retreating into myself, which is what I wanted to do, I course-corrected and calmly stated that surgery is not an option for me while treating metastasis. That response seemed to soften her; perhaps the softness was already there, but I only noticed it after my intentional remark.
I can easily fall into the trap of associating what’s happening to my body as my only experience of self, especially as my keen sense of smell constantly reminds me of a part of me that is rotting away. It’s easy to feel self-conscious about the smell, but that’s the beauty of transparency: there’s no need to hide. The practice is in finding safety in the wide open.
My mind is most vulnerable when day slips into night and pain lures me into the territory of fear and uncertainty. Until recently, I relied on my superpower of being able to sleep and shut off adversity. Now, that power has been hijacked, bringing new nighttime anxieties about losing the natural ability to rest and reset.
I’ve made peace with the tiny teal-colored pellet of morphine that I’ve accepted as my ally for now. I’m having a harder time with the little aqua-colored ones that can easily send me off to sleep. There is a price to pay for this assured reset, as it amps up my already medically induced volatile hormones. It makes me question and quake.
I’m into the seventh month of treatment, and although there are days where I feel like I still don’t have a handle on anything, I’m getting better at being kind to myself. I am more patient than I used to be and have faith in what can’t be fully known but deeply felt as truth. I seek opportunities where I can open to love instead of repelling, shrinking or hiding. I do my best to remember that that pain happens, but fear and suffering is a choice. I ask for help to surrender what is in the way of trusting what can’t be threatened.
While on a walk, I saw a round of a cut-up fallen tree. Looking closer, I was amazed to see bright green foliage sprouting from what I would have otherwise thought was dead. It led me to reflect on how the will to exist and express can blossom from the most unlikely places. The force of creation is a power to behold, sustained by the remembrance of its indestructible nature.
LESSON: “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.”- A Course In Miracles
My first call to action upon waking on Mother’s Day was to reach over to my bedside table, gather the orange bottles of opiates, and put them away out of reach. It was a conscious decision to let go, a psychological statement that I didn’t need them anymore. I had relied on those pills to get me through intolerable nights of pain. As I placed them in a drawer in the bathroom, my sense of liberation from dependency was tinged with the fear of possibly needing them again.
I had strung together a few weeks, delighted by my capacity to accomplish what I could not fathom only a couple of months ago. I moved my parents into their new home, spending three full days proactively creating the next rendition of their sanctuary. I noticed that my pace in approaching life is much slower yet more meaningful, and with this approach, I managed to get more done in a day than when I used to run around like a headless chicken. Time bends when I’m synced in the moment.
My heart stalled in anticipation when the doctor called to discuss my most recent PET scan result. The test would indicate my biological response to the initial three months of treatment. I’ve noticed that I’m much more cautious about trusting my own experience now. Cancer has taught me that I am not the one in charge—that clinging to any rigid way of thinking or being will become a trap. In order to continue on this path, I must always leave room to pivot. If I cling too hard, I won’t be able to let go and flow with what is happening.
I had to repeat what she said to anchor the meaning. ‘One of my tumors shrunk by half?’ I asked. ‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘it looks as though you are responding well to treatment.’ She continued to explain that the spread in my sternum, pec, lymph nodes, and chest wall had all shrunk in varying degrees. Additionally, she noted that the numerous suspicious spots in my liver and lungs appear to be inactive. ‘We certainly have to keep an eye on your liver and lungs, but all in all, this is good news,’ she said. Beyond the positive news, I nestled into the relief that I could trust the signals my body was giving me. It’s as if I’m also healing the part of myself that feels like I don’t know anything anymore.
Finding the middle way in response to life has proved to be effective in navigating all this. In respect to who I am, it’s important to still have a ‘w’holistic approach with an eagle eye expansive view. I’ve followed the doctors’ advice to forgo supplements, herbs, and protocols that stimulate my immune system while I acclimate to treatment. However, these powerful drugs I’m taking have potentially concerning long-term side effects that I want to address. Now, it’s time to adopt a collaborative approach to assist healing while promoting longevity.
The master herbalist I connected with has decades of experience using herbs and medicinal foods as powerful allies in cancer care. When we spoke, I immediately felt a connection. We both agreed on the importance of supporting my immune response while fortifying the function of my organs. She will also be prescribing ‘herbal chemo’ to seek and destroy cancer cells. I particularly appreciated her collaborative approach and her knowledge of pharmaceutical drugs used in oncology treatments. She confirmed that I should absolutely stay on my current treatment plan and strengthen its effectiveness with her protocol.
It’s important to me to be transparent with my oncology team and to receive their support. My herbalist would need regular blood testing to ensure that the herbs are beneficial, a process that my doctors may or may not initiate. As I continue to embrace vulnerability and reach out for assistance when needed, I’ve been overwhelmed by the heartfelt support from those around me. I’m discovering that the more I allow myself to be seen authentically, help finds its way to me in one way or another. Now, I find myself surrounded by a diverse circle of powerful allies – from the experienced professionals guiding my treatment to the unwavering love and support of my family and friends, and to the One listening to my prayers and showing me the way.
After the liberty of pain-free days, the return of what feels like electric jellyfish shocks bouncing around my sternum and breast is a hard pill to swallow. While pain is never welcomed, my intuition tells me that the herbal protocol is working because it feels like the cancer cells are agitated and on the run. It feels like they are contracting and wanting to escape from inside of me. The inflamed, angry cherry on the contour of my breast has opened up, weeping blood and contributing to the burning pain. From the loss of my hair to my lopsided swollen boob with a protruded discharging lump, my ego has been kept well in check. My sense of humour remains intact.
In the spirit of the middle way, I’m leaning on the knowledge of German New Medicine as it now serves as a kind of safety net for me. I’ve learned that the healing phase in any tissue is usually painful, swollen, and messy, much like how a wound heals. Even emotional healing often precedes a messy and painful period. I’m straddling between what I think is happening and who the fuck knows, while conscious of how easy it is to fall into the dark territory of fear. So… I continue to pray. Instead of morphine pills to manage the discomfort, I’m drinking herbal poppy concoctions which takes the edge off and assists me into sleep without the nasty side effects. Currently, this plan is manageable as I ride out this wave.
The Middle Way forges a path between the known and unknown. The practice of finding neutral ground and doing whatever it takes to stay there. It’s about finding balance between what my spirit yearns for and what my body needs. It’s about appreciating my vitality without pushing it too far into expectation, and about not assuming anything while respecting change. Understanding that there is no ‘right’ way to do anything, only opportunities to respond to life without pushing it away or clinging too hard.
LESSON: The Middle Way is the path of wisdom and compassion, the path of balance and harmony. It is the path that leads to the cessation of suffering.” – Buddha
It’s not unusual to have multiple biological programs coexist at the same time. One trauma can piggyback on another, usually from the fear of our symptoms or from what we are forced to face. Currently, I find myself in the midst of an activated phase of the periosteum program. The telltale sign of this activation is the excruciating sharp, stabbing pains reminding me of intense labour contractions but in my breast.
The periosteum program arises from an extreme separation trauma, and it’s no surprise that it results in intense nerve pain. The neural network covering the bones’ surface swells and pinches the nerves during this active phase. I’m certain this program was initiated when I faced the agonizing decision to undergo a mastectomy, the ultimate separation from my breast, or perhaps it’s the fear of ultimate separation from life itself.
After days of being debilitated on the couch , every sharp pulse reaffirms the intimate connection between body and mind. I recognize that the manifestation of disease symptoms is a primal survival response to the thought files of my mind. Despite this understanding, I am having a hard time convincing my mind that it is safe when it is busy responding to the pain, perpetuating a seemingly inescapable and vicious cycle. The struggle is real, the awareness is clear, yet finding the exit from this intricate labyrinth remains elusive.
Even at the precipice of my limit, I hold fast to the faith that I’m exactly where I need to be. It took me four years to reach the peak of my ultimate surrender. I finally understand that surrender doesn’t mean giving up or defeat; instead, it’s about widening the breadth of understanding while letting go of attachments to any kind of outcome. For me, the letting go is happening in increments—like releasing one finger at a time, each one tightly gripping the matrix of mind that wove my safety net.
Awaiting the results of recent scans to detect metastasis left me stranded in a terrain of terror. What has become clear to me is that the terror I felt was tied to the possibility of being proven wrong in my understanding of the disease process. If cancer had “spread,” it would mean I misunderstood, potentially jeopardizing my life for a belief that once made me feel safe. The stakes are high; if cancer does spread through the lymph and blood, my prognosis wouldn’t be good. However, if what I learned through German New Medicine is correct, and if a new significant trauma was not triggered, the results would show that the cancer remains localized in my breast.
The realization of the significance of being right in the way I invested in my healing journey, rather than being physically okay, was something I need to examine closely. Was it my steadfast and unshakable belief that actually kept my body free from metastasis, as the results ultimately proved, or did I find truth in German New Medicine?
Trauma is unavoidable, but armed with the understanding from my own experience, it’s about finding ways to mitigate fear and our survival response by doing whatever it takes. Recognizing this, I am taking every measure to avoid responding in high alert to my frantic mind. Even if it means relying on the assistance of opiates to seek refuge, allowing me to come up for air and gain a new vantage point for perspective.
I am convinced that continuing to endure the intensity of my current physical experience is a sign of a healing phase, where my tumour will eventually decompose or encapsulate. The intense pressure I feel on the surface, the heat, the swelling and the pain suggests that it is moving in that direction. However, I am realistic enough with myself to acknowledge that an open, rotting, oozing mess on my breast would likely trigger other trauma programs in my body and I am unable to risk more.
Understanding the potential trauma of losing a breast torments me. I recognize that opting for reconstructive surgery with implants may alleviate the trauma of that loss, but the thought of replacing my tumor-swollen breast with a foreign object repels me. As I witness the circling of my mind, I can feel my skin respond and I know I just need to stop.
I am reciting the Lord’s Prayer, placing emphasis on “Thy will be done,” visualizing myself opening my hands and letting go. God answered my prayer by narrowing down my options. The surgeon suggested chemo and hormone therapy to shrink the mass over possibly six months, but there isn’t even an iota of space in my capabilities to accept that option, no matter how much I try to surrender. This means that I will require a skin graft to span the space of what will be removed since I won’t have enough skin to cover my wound. Reconstruction is not an available option at this point. Strangely, I find myself able to accept this alternative.
Our minds excel at creating safety, but my fortress is crumbling, revealing a terrified child curled up inside. It’s taken this long to see that she’s always been there, yearning for that special way that only I can comfort her. As I yield to more tests and await the opinions of specialists, I wonder if they will be able to bridge the gap between how much I can let go of and how far they are willing to go, so that I can live with whatever will be done. It’s a delicate balance between what I know and what they know, and my only hope is that we can meet in the middle where I may be finally liberated.
LESSON: SURRENDER DOES NOT MEAN GIVING UP OR DEFEAT; INSTEAD, IT’S ABOUT WIDENING THE BREADTH OF UNDERSTANDING WHILE LETTING GO OF ATTACHMENTS TO ANY KIND OF OUTCOME.
I’m at the point where I am beginning to realize what I actually signed up for. It reminds me of that feeling on a roller coaster ride, steadily ascending to its highest peak and dreading every second of it. At the top, in the brief pause, I am forced to face the terrifying reality that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what is about to happen. There’s no turning back, no changing my mind, and no amount of fight will alter the course of the next few minutes. The only thing left to do is to surrender.
My right breast is taut from pressure on the inside. It’s a likeness of a perfect grapefruit—swollen, round, and oddly perky. Under different circumstances, it might have fuelled my vanity, but it’s due to the palm-sized tumour underneath. Now visibly larger than its twin, it throbs and sends sharp, electric messages to surrounding areas.
I’ve had to adapt to this new reality. I’ve become a left-hearted hugger, a back sleeper, and I keep my right elbow at the ready to shield my throbbing breast from any kind of impact. I am adjusting to new ways to support my healing and sleeping as much as I need.
This mass resembles a slowly shifting continent, inching its way toward my armpit. Its relentless pull restricts the mobility of my shoulder and diminishes the strength in my arm. Everything I hold dear about myself finds expression through my hands. It’s not what I say but the authenticity of my hands that allows me to connect with people on the deepest level. As both an artist and masseuse, my hands serve as the language through which I communicate.
Though I should be celebrating the promising signs of healing that I’ve come to understand, it’s innate human nature to react to pain with fear and resistance. I am uncertain if the mass will eventually erupt to the surface or if it will become dormant after raising a ruckus. I remain to be my own test subject.
In recent weeks, the pain has intensified significantly. Every time I pressed my fingers to catch a hook in the tissue of the person I was massaging, I would feel a painful echo reverberating in my breast. It became a disruptive distraction to what is otherwise a practice of serenity and prayer.
This week, I finally arrived at the point where I had to release my massage practice. The decision left me grappling with the aftermath—my self-worth plummeted and landed on questions like : “Who am I if I can’t massage anymore? What if I can’t paint anymore? Who am I if I can’t use my hands?”
When the heart falls out of harmony, it recruits the mind to conjure up the worst-case scenarios. We do this in an attempt to prepare ourselves, even though most of these scenarios never materialize. It’s a convoluted way of trying to find comfort in situations beyond our control. While we’re entangled in these thoughts, life continues to move forward, often slipping by unnoticed. We miss the gifts of what each moment can bring us even though it may be uncomfortable.
The irony is that I’ve been praying for this to happen. I’ve been asking for my “biological program” to reach its completion. I’ve learned from German New Medicine that cells heal best in a warm, liquid environment. Healing brings swelling, heat, and yes, pain. It’s the body’s way of signalling us to rest, to refrain from using that part so it can mend itself. This is why we often reach the peak of discomfort, also known as a healing crisis, before the body can return to homeostasis.
Against my better judgment, my well-being is compromised by toggling between my worst fears and my faith in what I’ve learned in the last four years of this healing journey. Nevertheless, I continue to remind myself to extend forgiveness to the part of me that still falls prey to these “what-ifs.” The only way is through it. I always have the choice to embrace pain and the unknown with surrender and faith, trusting in my body’s innate ability to heal. There is always the right time to remember when I forget.
I’m grateful to be reminded of the opportunities within every obstacle. Now that I’m not massaging, I have more time for my creative projects that had been shelved. This newfound time allows me to nurture and listen to what my body needs. I’m embracing this journey, wherever it may lead me, much like taking a deep breath at the peak of a rollercoaster ride—relaxing and surrendering to the wild ride ahead.
After a prolonged spell under the grip of “what if’s,” I’ve broken free from the fear ingrained in us about cancer. With time, wisdom, and experience, this fear has transformed into knowledge. My focus has shifted away from “healing,” as I now understand that my body consistently moves towards it. It is the psyche that slows down and relapses the process of healing.
Any underlying resistance towards these lumps has waned, giving way to a deep embrace of their existence and a patient curiosity to delve into the wonder of my biology.
I’ve come to realize that the mind fixates on its own disturbances. Even in moments of tranquility, a single trigger can shatter my world. News of cancer-related deaths used to plunge me into hellish thoughts of a similar fate. Through awareness, I’ve learned that fear rarely springs from evidence; it’s often an escalating construction of stories that we create which subsides when we return to the present. That is why many spiritual traditions emphasize anchoring the mind in the here and now to attain peace and freedom.
By liberating the mental space consumed by this particular fear, I’ve uncovered a newfound capacity to engage with life. Fear confines experiences and taints them with a sense of finality which we have to protect ourselves from. In the wake of traumatic events such as a serious diagnosis, our responses often involve fighting, fleeing, suppressing, or, if we’re mindful, processing the intense energy by letting it go.
It’s inherent in our nature to yearn for safety, and we mold our lives around what makes us feel comfortable. However, the potent energy of fear needs to be processed, otherwise it keeps showing up whenever it is triggered. It may morph into various scenarios, yet its core remains rooted in that initial trauma.
Fear becomes a reference point for the mind as we navigate life ahead. We unwittingly design our lives around avoiding undesirable emotions and clinging to pleasurable ones, missing the inherent choice to embrace the present as a passing experience.
Our personalities often evolve to shield us from unresolved matters, even biologically according to GNM. I’ve previously detailed how trauma impacts the brain, psyche, and body in my blogs on GNM. External triggers revive stored experiences, prompting programmed responses that ensures safety—be it anxious thoughts or abnormal cell behaviour.
All emotional states can be traced back to either love or fear. Within these realms reside a spectrum of feelings. Fear breeds insecurity, lack, anxiety, depression, greed, longing and other dense vibrational frequencies. Love is our intrinsic nature, it encompasses compassion, fulfillment, happiness, peace, joy, and connection—all operating within light energetic frequencies. That is why we yearn for all expressions of love.
My lumps are undergoing a shift in behaviour; to me, this signals a positive transformation—from unchanging masses to sharp, throbbing entities tinged with deep purple. They are moving, changing shape, and altering their quality. They seem eager to burst free from my skin, and the strong sensations make their presence known. While these sensations can be intense, I find excitement in their confirmation of what I’ve learned. This excitement can only arise from the absence of fear.
My practice is to subdue and override sharp sensations by focusing my mind on the world around me and engaging with it without succumbing to fear. I make an effort to avoid using the word “pain” to prevent falling into a victim mentality and the drama that my mind can easily create. I’m my own cheerleeder saying “let’s do this! I’ve got this, I’m ready, and thank you! ” Every moment is a choice in how I want to respond to life. That is the meaning of free will. I’ve embarked on a lifelong practice to stay on the path to all that love has to give.
LESSON: LET IT GO!
This blog was inspired by the teachings of Michael Singer’s brilliant book “The Untethered Soul.”
The light recedes towards the darkness as the days get shorter and the air feels colder. There is a familiar melancholy felt in trading the bursting days of summer to the inward coiling of the long winter months ahead. Perhaps that is why I feel so tired, so very tired of the discipline it takes to live my life the way I have chosen to live it.
Faith is a fire that needs regular tending to so it won’t go out. If I let the fire go out I’m not sure I can exist in the dark. For the last 3 months I’ve had relapses of what I experienced early on in my healing journey. My eyes… the physical portal from which I perceive is the door between my mind and the outside world. I’ve had round after round of what I call the Rocky Balboa eyes because when it’s bad it looks like double shiners.
The first time it happened was after my 33 day grape fast three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I’ve relied 100% on my inner compass to show me the way. Around that time my compass was spinning round and round leading me nowhere. Not knowing what to do next to “fix” what I thought was broken left me very vulnerable to the onslaught of fear.
My biological response to “not being able to see my way forward” was for my eyes to produce more tear fluid to aid my sight to see better. My tear producing glands worked overtime swelling up to the degree of my mental funckery. The tear drainage ducts plug up from too much pressure and there I have Rocky Balboa eyes.
Not knowing what I know now, at the time I thought the cancer metastasized into my eyes which only made my symptons worse. The light of my faith was but a flicker so I signed up for Vipassana and found a way to stoke my fire.
I haven’t had a relapse until I decided to get a MRI diagnostic this summer. Two lumps appeared beneath the scar of my lumpectomy shortly after the shocking death of a beloved sister. We had instantly connected through the same diagnosis and similar approach to healing. She too had been following her inner compass to heal her spirit in order to heal her body. God connected us at a time we needed each other the most. Her sudden death and in which I found out about it was a blow I was totally unprepared for. If she died following her compass what does that mean for me?
After grieving her death for months I noticed small nodules developing under my scar. As a student of German New Medicine I had no doubt that it was in response to my shock. I won’t get into the biological science of what happened as I have written about in the past. It’s one thing to have the knowledge, it’s entirely another beast to actually practice it when we are taught to fear our symptoms. It’s no easy feat to over ride synapses that have been wiring and firing through indoctrination.
I’ve had these lumps now for a year. During that time I’ve lost numerous friends to cancer. The last time someone looked inside was over two years ago when I had my lumpectomy. At the time I was told cancer was in one of my lymph nodes. Rather than doing the recommend testing and treatments I followed my compass again. I am my own test subject. Deciding on getting a MRI was the biggest gamble to see if my faith was placed in the hands of God or in the hands of ignorance and stupidity.
In the month leading up to the MRI my eyes blew up. To have this relentless episode revisit me at that time was the cruelest of confirmations that my body responds to my mind. My life was put on hold. I couldn’t plan anything past what I would potentially find from that screening. I couldn’t “see” my way forward.
In the tunnel of the rumbling, white machine I prayed with all my might. I was stuck in an in-between place between faith and accepting my fate. What would I do if I was deadly wrong all this time? Maybe my next lesson would be ultimate humility.
The ten days waiting for the results was accompanied by my eyes mirroring my internal struggle. It takes so much discipline to choose faith rather than give up. I think I am hardwired to believe that I’m being supported by a greater power than myself, otherwise I could not live this life. I thank the Creator for creating me this way.
What the MRI revealed was not what I hoped for but it did restore power in my faith. What I wanted to know was if the lumps in my breast are proliferating or benign. This would tell me if my body is still in survival mode or if that “program” has been resolved. I was urged further testing and poking around to know for certain. I’m not going down that road right now.
What I did find out is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body. If I believed that cancer in the lymph led to the spreading of cancer elsewhere, it would have been all over the place after two years. That confirmation is enough to keep me going even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. My concern is not that cancer will spread. The body biologically responds to trauma as a survival mechanism. My job is to be aware enough to downgrade it so the symptoms won’t become life threatening.
Since then, my eyes continue to oscillate between swelling and receding. Like a tide going in and out-I ebb in the realm of faith. I have clues to why this is happening but I’m still in the midst of figuring it out. Every-time I look at myself I think I’m triggering the cycle. Body follows mind and mind follows body too. I’m stuck in a feedback loop of all that I’ve gone through and still having to go through. I don’t know why I’m the way that I am. It’s not easy putting all my eggs in a basket that can’t be seen. That’s why it’s called faith.
LESSON: CONFIRMATIONS DON’T ALWAYS COME IN WAYS THAT ARE PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE CONFIRMATIONS NONE THE LESS.
Covid had paralyzed the world by the time I decided to carve a piece of me out. I rewired my mindset which was hard set against any kind of medical intervention up until then. I was able to do so by giving value to everything I did up until that point. No, I wasn’t able to dissolve my tumour but I’d found the exact cause of my cancer and became a more authentic version of myself along the way.
Did I have to starve myself on grapes for 33 days, do the hard core Cold Sheet Treatment, undergo garlic enemas, endure Vipassana, write forgiveness letters, eat raw food, drink wheatgrass, pummel handfuls of herbs and supplements, take cold showers, wrap myself in castor oil, surrender my business and revisit every trauma I’ve had in my life only to cut out the problem after 7 months? Absolutely!
Even amidst the greatest challenge of my life, my new way of living lights up my soul. From that light I navigated my way. Healing came from the journey itself and it wasn’t just about Lump. I was no longer the same person I was before, it was evident in how I perceived life. Cancer sparked my spirit and revealed the sacredness of life. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it as long as I’m being true to myself. I paid attention to cues that came from a greater knowing and that’s how I chose to heal.
Hospitals had emptied in preparation for the pandemic to hit full throttle. Normal living became restricted and the “New Normal” became the norm. Faces disappeared behind masks, schools and businesses were shut down, and we were told to distance ourselves from everybody to stay “safe”. “Safety” became the slogan for every new rule and restriction.
I kept the virus from Wuhan on the outskirts of my periphery. My experience taught me that the thoughts that fill my head shapes my reality. It was imperative to keep my mindspace in a state that supported my wellbeing. The world went topsy turvy, so did my plan for surgery. I heard no word from the surgeons office so, I took it as a sign that it was not yet time to part ways with Lump.
I directed my focus to study German New Medicine. I marvelled, learning about the genius mechanism which makes up our biological system. Understanding that the body is always healing even when symptoms feel quite the opposite, reinforced trust in my body. My job was to assist it with this new understanding- to make sure I didn’t get hung up on the storyline that caused my body to do what it did. It was empowering to not be afraid of my tumour.
On April 20, 2020, In a particularly deep meditation I lovingly cut ties with my lump. It was a conscious uncoupling after an intense relationship which revealed aspects of myself that I now cherish. My heart was so vastly open- abundant with gratitude for the gifts that I’d received. I felt such a deep sense of peace in claiming this goodbye. I asked for a clear sign that my proclamation was heard by Supreme Intelligence.
I hadn’t received one call in regards to my surgery in 6 weeks. Sensing that my meditation was over I slowly opened my eyes- in that exact moment my phone rang. It was the surgeons office informing me that my surgery would be on April 27th. Stunned by the instant confirmation I wept in gratitude.
(Pls read my previous post about GNM/GHK as a precursor to this one. Since the last post, I have discovered that there has been a name change from German New Medicine to Germanische Heilkunde which means Germanic Healing Knowledge. In this post I will be using the abbreviation GHK to reference this biological science.)
How German New Medicine revealed the meaning of my cancer so I could heal. By Maasa Craig edited by Pathways Magazine
When I received news of a ductal carcinoma on the periphery of my right breast, I put on my detective hat and worked backwards from my “know” to my “why” with help from a Germanic Healing Knowledge (GHK, or GNM) practitioner. GHK’s process of ascertaining the precise conflict that initiates a particular cancer process is based on biological science and embryology. Dr. Hamer, the pioneer discoverer, found that different conflict shocks impact different brain relays, each adapting a corresponding organ. The organ will change, or adapt, with cell-multiplication or cell-ulceration depending on the embryological germ cells that compose the tissues. For example, organs composed of endodermal cells such as the intestines, will respond with cell multiplication. Most importantly, each organ and germ layer responds only to a specific “kind” of conflict shock that applies to that organ’s function. Using this knowledge as a map, the exact organ and symptom will tell us what “type” of conflict shock occurred, and where the biological program is, in regards to the tissue- adaptation process. Often, the symptom we have indicates that the organ is in a healing phase, after the conflict is resolved.
Here’s what I discovered
Ductal “carcinoma” is the healing process, or tissue-replenishment phase, after a separation conflict that had caused the ductal tissues to ulcerate. We experience this conflict, for example, when a loved one is “torn from the breast” through an unexpected ending of a relationship. It can also occur if we suddenly want to separate from a relationship due to a conflict involving betrayal, fighting, abuse, etc. The purpose of the ulcerations is to widen the ductal passageways—relating to a primitive nourishment response in the breast. After the conflict is over, an internal swelling occurs, sometimes seen as a tumor (it’s more akin to an internal swollen “scab” designed to heal the ductal passages.)
For many organs, including the breast ducts, our handedness (or dominant laterality) will determine which side of the body gets affected. Conflict shocks that center around a “partner” will affect the dominant side (for me that’s my right side). And if the conflict centers around a “mother or child,” it will affect the opposite, non-dominant side. Since the cell-replenishment, swelling, and “tumor” was on my right side, and I’m right handed, my first clue was that the conflict had nothing to do with my mother or daughter. Instead, it had to do with a partner, colleague, or friend.
I also learned that the moment I experienced this conflict, concentric circles appeared as lesions on the left side of my cerebral cortex (sensory cortex to be exact) because the right breast is controlled from the left sensory cortex of the brain. What piqued my interest is how the “psyche”—our innate survival knowledge below the level of our awareness—related to the conflict. This is of utmost importance for the detective work and for healing. GHK is not only a healing science, it is a process to get intimate with your inner workings.
For myself, it was vitally important for me to pinpoint the exact conflict shock that caused the whole process to unfold. I believed that understanding why my body was doing what it was doing would be the key to assist my body to homeostasis.
Finding my Why
“I want you to think of an incident that made you feel like someone was ripped from your breast. This person did something that shocked you,” the GNM consultant said to me during our session.
I’d spent 7 months cleaning out my proverbial closet and releasing my can of worms. I scanned through my major traumas that I made peace with, but none fit the bill. I went through my memory catalog unsure of what I was looking for…until I found it. And it hit me like a ton of bricks; so much so that I had to catch my breath, my heart stilled, and the blood drained from my face.
“Yup, that’s the reaction we get when people discover their DHS. They just know it,” she said. (Note: DHS is the term denoting the moment in time the biological shock occurred)
How did I leave this giant worm buried at the bottom of my can? I’d literally dealt with everything else except for this one! That’s how deeply my subconscious packed it away. The GNM practitioner asked me, “Looking at the size of your tumour, I’d guess this conflict lasted for about 3 months?”
Stunned, I nodded my head.
As I write this, I’m amazed at how I’ve grown. I had the ability to pick up the worm and hold it in my gentle hand. I was able to look at it without my entire system going berserk. I saw a creature made of the earth with its own story and place in the world. I was able to get intimate with it from a place of closure. I wasn’t a victim.
My story
Everything in me told me not to hire Sam. Living in a small town, I was well aware of her history with past employers. My gut twisted as she handed me her resume, looked me in the eyes, and promised me she wouldn’t let me down. My spa was in full swing and I desperately needed another esthetician. I’d worked with her in the past, in another spa and the same aversion I felt for her then resurfaced. Instead of shutting her out, I invited her in—deciding to take the high road. And so I hired her.
I used my uncertainty as fuel to overcome my judgment toward her. After all, she never did anything to me directly. I wanted to be a better person and give her the benefit of the doubt. I was growing as a business owner and saw it as an opportunity to grow as a person as well. My strategy was to give her love. It was obvious that she came from a troubled past and lived a rough life from the little she shared with me. She had great skills and clients were happy with her service, so I held fast to that. I allowed my mothering instinct to take over and as a result she opened up to me as I did to her.
Did I do the right thing? It’s only in looking back from where I’m now that I know for certain that I did, because this biological program was a catalyst for my evolution. After a couple months of employment she started to call in sick for personal reasons. I picked up where she left me and rearranged my schedule to cover her shifts. It happened enough times that the knot in my stomach turned into chronic acid reflux. In late November, I ended up in Emergency at the hospital with my guts feeling like it was ripping out from the inside.
Knowing GHK more now, I understand what I had then was an “indigestible anger conflict”—a situation I couldn’t digest which caused my stomach lining to ulcerate with pain. (Note: In the lining of the stomach, ulcerations cause symptoms of pain because the stomach is wired to the post-sensory cortex of the brain, unlike other parts of the body, such as the breast ducts, which are wired to the sensory cortex where there is no noticeable pain during conflict-active ulcerations.)
I just didn’t know how to deal with Sam’s unpredictable nature. I couldn’t fire her with the busy season coming up and potentially lose her clients. I was stuck in a rock and hard place, doing my best to accommodate 9 staff members in the midst of my turmoil. My core crew was a solid group of skilled women who helped me grow my business. It was my priority to treat them well in a business where staff typically came and went. She was the new addition, and it was obvious she didn’t quite fit in.
Sam approached me one day wanting to report something of importance out of loyalty for me and my business. She proceeded to tell me that an employee of mine disclosed information about my business to a competitive spa in hopes of retaining a position.
What this employee apparently shared was sensitive information which put me in a precarious position.
The news came straight from left field. I was shocked that any staff member would do such a thing after working closely with them for several years. I was devastated and confused. I won’t get into the tedious drama of the event. What I discovered, however, was that Sam, who I took in against my better judgment, had fabricated the whole story, with fake texts and emails to try and get my lovely employee fired.
Why would anyone make up such a story? The whole situation mangled me mentally and rippled out into work. I couldn’t deny the strong intuition that something was very wrong—even with the apparent evidence at hand. I started digging for the truth. To my horror, I discovered that there are apps to make emails and texts look like they’re coming from someone when they’re not. The evidence that Sam showed me to frame my other employee was all made up. Not only was the story fabricated with documents to support it, Sam was the one who was trying to jump ship.
As I put the pieces together, I felt sick to my stomach. Expensive items had mysteriously disappeared from the spa around that time. It didn’t even cross my mind to think that an employee would steal from me. (I can never prove it, but my gut knew.) I felt totally betrayed after opening my heart to her and a fool for overriding my intuition to not hire her. Upon her immediate termination, I received official looking emails from her lawyer stating that she was suing me for wrongful dismissal. I knew she had the ability to make fraudulent documents to serve her purpose, but I had no way to know if they were for real or not.
Email demands for compensation came in regularly, so much so that I was afraid to open my email. My heart constantly raced, haunted by the worst case scenarios. I struggled to keep the high pace required to run my business and my home life. What if I lose my business after everything I put into it? What if I have to go to court? What if she shows up at my house and does something crazy? My sleep was disturbed with cold sweats and nightmares…physical symptoms of a “conflict active phase.” The emails went on. The conflict continued.
Why would she do this?
Resolution
It took about 3 months of me being in emergency mode to finally let it go. I accepted that I may have to go to court, that I may have to hire a lawyer, and that I may lose the spa over the whole ugly process. I was just breaking even with my new business. The cost of going to court would flush all my hard work down the toilet.
In an attempt to find closure, I even went as far as accepting the crazy event as an act of love. Didn’t she say she was doing it because she cared for me? Maybe the hardships in her life made her show her love in a twisted way. If that’s the case, doesn’t she deserve compassion? I moved on and resolved my conflict. I must have buried her deep in my subconscious, because when she resurfaced, I could not for the life of me remember her name!
After those 3 months, my conflict was resolved, and that’s when my healing phase began. New cells came in to replenish the area where there was prior tissue loss, accompanied with swelling. During those 3 months of conflict activity, my brain was impacted, and the corresponding organ—the milk ducts—ulcerated in proportion to the duration and intensity of “wanting to separate” from her. The biological purpose for the inner lining of milk ducts to ulcerate and lose cells is to widen the ducts for easier milk flow—a primitive mothering response. Though by the time I resolved the issue I understood there was no need to nurture this person anymore with my metaphorical milk.
The healing phase of cell proliferation and swelling was diagnosed as a ductal carcinoma, and deemed to be “abnormal cell activity.” The growth of these particular cells do act differently from normal cells, since they are the body’s way of healing the ulcerated tissue.
Blessed by life
The nail hit hard right on the head and drove straight down unwavering. My why was finally answered. Learning more about GNM, it made sense that the reason my tumour only grew by two millimeters in six months was because the cells only proliferate in proportion to the duration and intensity of the prior conflict. And because my conflict was never reactivated, it was done proliferating.
Everything I did since my diagnosis was a meaningful stepping stone to finding my why. I was elated to know that healing was already well underway by the time I discovered the lump. Truth rings like a bell. It rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically knew all along.
“The NEW MEDICINE understands the body as a unified organism, a unity, with the psyche being the integrator of all functions of behaviour and all areas of conflict, and the brain being the main computer of all behavioural functions, conflict areas and organs, and the sum of the consequences of all these events. “- R.G. Hamer, MD
Dirk Hamer, son of Dr. Geerd Hamer, was shot by Emanuele of Savoy- son of the last king of Italy in 1978. Awakened in the middle of the night with the horrific news, Dr. Hamer remained in a state of shock as he attended to his dying son for 3 continual months. Within a year after their son’s death, both Dr. Hamer and his wife developed cancer. Being a doctor and a scientific researcher, he suspected that there was a correlation with the sudden death of his son and the onset of his testicular cancer and his wife’s breast cancer. Following his strong intuition, Dr. Hamer began to question what has long been accepted and taught through allopathic medicine- that disease proceeds dysfunction of the organism.
As Chief of Internal Medicine at Munich University in Germany, Dr. Hamer had 200 patients under his care and in the position to conduct research on his hypothesis. He began to survey his patients asking if they experienced a shocking, emotional event prior to their diagnosis. He called the trauma a biological-conflict-shock- a DHS, short for Dirk Hamer Syndrome in memory of his beloved son.
Dr. Hamer’s discovery was remarkable. Every single one of his patients that he interviewed did indeed suffer a DHS. After years of pursuing his research, Dr. Hamer was able to distinguish what kind of specific shock affected a particular tissue organ. Furthermore, CT scans of his patients’ brains detected extraordinary findings. In every single one them without exception, were lesions shaped in concentric circles in various locations of their brains.
The astounding factor was that each cancer type presented brain lesions with an undeniable pattern. Through studying the patterns, Dr. Hamer identified that the nature of an emotional conflict correlated to a specific area of the brain- the brainstem, cerebral medulla, cerebellum, or the cerebral cortex (ex: Ductal Carcinoma showed a lesion in the cerebral cortex paired with a “separation” conflict, lung cancer presented in the brain stem paired with a “death fright” conflict). He found the direct link between how the psyche processed trauma- to where the lesion appeared in the brain and the relay to the specific tissue organ in the body where changes took place.
40,000 case studies to date have confirmed the same pattern of disease development without exception. A highly acute, isolating, shock that catches us completely off guard triggers an instant, biological, simultaneous response in the psyche, the brain, and the corresponding organ. Dr. Hamer’s continual findings developed into the 5 Biological Laws that is the core of German New Medicine. The Laws explain the cause, the evolution, and healing phase of the dis-ease process based on natural principles. Some call it “La Medicina Sagrada” the sacred medicine or simply New Medicine-a paradigm shift from conventional medicine.
Dr. Hamer’s most important discovery is that the body responds to trauma in primal ways in an attempt to ensure our survival. Symptoms of disease although unwelcome, are actually meaningful biological changes to aid us through the conflict, the resolution and healing. For example, even though a high fever is scary, it is the process of healing for it to peak and break before the body restores its balance. Whether the tissue/organ responds to the conflict by proliferating cells (ex. tumour growth), cell loss, or by impeding function- every change proceeding a DHS is designed to improve our overall function in an emergency state. When resolution takes place and stays resolved, our perfectly designed system restores it’s balance.
While deepening my understanding of GNM, what I found most interesting is that 2 people can have the exact same type of conflict yet have symptoms in different areas of their body. Our personal perception of the conflict determines how our body responds. This is because our psyche absorbs and interprets the world through our individual experiences. What we believe in, our culture, personalities, conditioning, what we’ve been taught, what we’ve known, makes us completely unique in the way that our psyche interprets an emergency situation.
If I was to lose a loved one, the immediate primal response from my own life experience could be a separation conflict (ex. milk ducts) and for someone else, it might be an existence conflict (ex. kidneys). In GNM terms diseases are referred to SBS a “Significant Biological Special Program“. Every SBS runs in 2 phases as a development towards healing. Phase 1 being “Conflict Active” – fighter flight mode and Phase 2 which is the “Healing Phase” proceeding conflict resolution.
The SBS sometimes don’t resolve- which is what chronic disease is. The psyche continually gets triggered in a “hanging healing” and stays in an emergency state. It’s set on a track and loops in a cycle that never has the chance to resolve and heal. The length and intensity of the shock determines the size of the lesion in the brain and how symptoms present. Since healing can only happen once the conflict is resolved, GNM focuses on identifying the original conflict, the associations with the conflict, and finding a resolution specific to the individual. In essence, it’s about identifying the exact trauma and creating a liberating relationship with it.
Dr. Hamer found that when conflicts resolved permanently, cancer cells stopped growing and the extra cells broke down. Some masses that did not break down became benign and neutral. The lesion in the brain also disappeared. By understanding that “symptoms” are actually a progress towards healing, we can free ourselves from fear and work on completing the SBS.
The greatest fear with cancer is that it will spread like wildfire and render you terminal. The idea of malfunctioning cells breaking off my tumour and hitching a ride through the blood/ lymph to randomly land in a completely different body part didn’t make any sense to me. Not to mention having the ability to cross over to a different germ layer. Even though my rational mind could thwarted that fear, it still existed in varying degrees depending on what kind of day I was having. It’s a collective fear that has been fed to us from every angle and it’s mighty powerful.
Dr. Hamer scrutinized the metastasis theory with common sense. Why, if cancer spreads through the blood/lymph didn’t it primarily spread from the affected organ to the surrounding tissue? Shouldn’t cervical cancer spread to the uterus next? Why doesn’t everybody who has cancer have Leukaemia if it spreads through the blood? If cancer cells travel through the blood stream why isn’t donated blood screened for cancer? If cancer spreads through the lymph system, why does it develop in the bones where it is not supplied by lymph fluid? How is it that cancer cells can bypass the blood-brain-barrier that is specifically there to protect against invaders? We don’t ever hear of a brain tumour spreading to an organ but only the other way around…why is that?
The metastasis theory discounts the fact that all cells in the body is fist controlled by the brain. It is assumed that rogue cells are doing it’s own thing without the electrical impulses sent by our control center which is the basis of every cellular function. Even reports from Yale University in 2008 declared “How cancer cells become metastatic still remains a mystery”.
Dr. Hamer did not believe that cancer “spreads”. His discoveries indicate that malignancies are separate shocks and separate SBSes. Unfortunately, the shock of a life-threatening diagnosis could be a DHS. Nobody is ever prepared for a cancer diagnosis… The scary options of invasive therapies, the fear of dying, the loss of life as we know it, the loss of what we value in ourselves, carrying life responsibilities with a disease, worry for our loved ones…all translates to our system as an emergency to be managed.
Truth rings like a bell- it rings so clear that the reverberation dissolves all the gunk out of the way. My mind was blown into pieces and put back together again to form a clear picture. Everything I was learning from GNM reflected what I intrinsically knew all along. My body wasn’t falling apart and failing me…it was healing. I was determined to discover the exact conflict that started my program and help it along to finish what was started.
LESSON: Readers, I’d like to emphasize that this is my personal experience. Every therapy, every idea, every belief that resonates with me sustains me. I’m no expert in anything I write about. I’m just an expert on myself and whatever upholds my pillar of strength is what I go by. I choose to live fully- without the ghost of cancer haunting me. This is how I’m doing it.
Returning from Vipassana, I fulfilled the promise I made to myself and got the ball rolling on having a look-see inside. I’d been MIA from the medical system for 6 months. It was crucial to prepare mentally and emotionally so I wouldn’t be rocked by the system. No doubt there would be fear inducing questions and recommendations because my lump was obviously still there. All I wanted was the truth. Had the tumour grown and had it spread? That was the first and only step I chose to focus on. Everything else would have to be white noise.
I contacted my MD instead of the Oncologist because I felt more comfortable with him. I needed my head on straight to navigate the medical terrain in a way that supported my wellbeing. I just wanted information and not to be bombarded with “should do’s”.
My MD is a lovely man. I sat in his office looking at the very same painting of yellow tulips as the day I got my shocking diagnosis. I felt my pulse quicken and my heart lunge forward. Grounding my feet, I closed my eyes and deepened my breath. I breathed my whole body back to equilibrium and steadied myself.
He walked in with a smile but there was worry in his eyes. The last time I spoke to him he told me that the cancer could kill me if I didn’t do the recommended procedures. It was his job to tell me so, but it also came from a place of genuine care. It took all my strength to ask him to respect my choice and to stop checking up on me. I was not the same person I was then.
Doc was probably wondering what the heck I’d been up to for half a year with an “Invasive Carcinoma”. I gave him the quick down-lo of my esoteric healing regime while watching his eyebrows morph into different shapes. “Ok…….so what can I do for you now?” he said. He didn’t know how to deal with me but what he did accept was that I was calling the shots. To this day I am grateful for his openness to assist me even though he did not agree with me. “Can we start with an ultrasound?” I asked. One step.
The ultrasound result showed that my tumor had grown by a mere 1-2 mm. Some may have taken that as bad news but my immediate response was a giant sigh of relief. It hadn’t mutated into a monstroso entity! I took it as a sign that everything I was doing was keeping it at bay. I’m definitely a glass half full kinda gal. The fact remained that the tumor had stayed put pretty much the way I’d found it. So, the question was do I keep going and hope that it would shrink or do I change course?
I started a conversation with Lump during meditation. “It’s time for you to go. Thank you for coming into my life and revealing my true nature. I’m so grateful for the radical shift you initiated in me to become a more conscious being. I am in love with my life and ready to move forward…I’m ready to part ways with you now. Thank you.”
I needed a surgeon who would agree to do as I asked and not push the protocol. I did not want my tit lopped off nor did I want chemo or radiation. Knowing the vital role lymph nodes played in moving toxins out of the body, taking a string of them out for testing was not an option. After much contemplation and receiving clear signs, I knew exactly what my next step was. I’d do the bare minimum- to cut Lump out along with the one enlarged lymph node above it. I put my order into the universe for the perfect surgeon to do the job.
Magic and synchronicities unfold when we are aligned with our essential nature. Pure potentiality exists when you know yourself as whole. We vibrate at that elevated frequency and attract what benefits us. I was a living testament of it. A surgeon who I will call Dr. M came into my field a few days after I put my order in. I had to get a referral from my Oncologist to get my initial appointment with him which meant I had to do more tests.
In one week I had all the scans I avoided for all those months. The scans emitted radiation which I previously believed would aggravate Lump. I accepted it as a necessary compromise so I took a bunch of kelp tablets as an anecdote for the onslaught of radiation. Whether it helped or not is beside the point. I believed it did and that’s how I endured a mammogram, a bone scan, and another CT scan without a head trip.
I received a gift from moving in that direction. The findings from the scans showed that there was no cancer anywhere else. The info was passed onto Dr. M and I got the green light to meet him.
Right around that time I received a surprising text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in a while. It read, “Hey, have you heard of German New Medicine?”. Well meaning friends have given me plenty of advice and suggestions on what to do. Most of the time I did not heed their advice. I had an automatic response to bypass suggestions because I was so focused on following the breadcrumbs set before me. That text felt different- like a breadcrumb. So I followed it.
The information on the website was a magnet that lured me in. GNM (German New Medicine) reflected a totally unique and resonant perspective on the disease process. It stated that there is a direct relay between our physical symptoms, our brain and unexpected conflicts/traumas. Everything I was reading made perfect sense! It explained what my intuition knew right from the get go. There was a specific biological reason my body manifested the tumor! GNM is a roadmap to understand the EXACT cause of the disease process. It it not a theory, it is a proven science. My whole body resounded a YES!
The universe gave me another big wink when I discovered that out of a handful of GNM practitioners in BC, there was one 30 min from Dr. M’s office which was 4 hours away from where I live. A coincidence? I say absolutely not! I booked a GNM consult right after my appointment with the surgeon. I knew in my gut I was moving in the right direction one step at a time.
LESSON: LIFE IS A REFLECTION OF THE VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCY WE EMIT.
LESSONS FROM MY LUMP 