Author: Maasaisis

Mind Matrix

by Maasaisis

It’s not unusual to have multiple biological programs coexist at the same time. One trauma can piggyback on another, usually from the fear of our symptoms or from what we are forced to face. Currently, I find myself in the midst of an activated phase of the periosteum program. The telltale sign of this activation is the excruciating sharp, stabbing pains reminding me of intense labour contractions but in my breast.

The periosteum program arises from an extreme separation trauma, and it’s no surprise that it results in intense nerve pain. The neural network covering the bones’ surface swells and pinches the nerves during this active phase. I’m certain this program was initiated when I faced the agonizing decision to undergo a mastectomy, the ultimate separation from my breast, or perhaps it’s the fear of ultimate separation from life itself.

After days of being debilitated on the couch , every sharp pulse reaffirms the intimate connection between body and mind. I recognize that the manifestation of disease symptoms is a primal survival response to the thought files of my mind. Despite this understanding, I am having a hard time convincing my mind that it is safe when it is busy responding to the pain, perpetuating a seemingly inescapable and vicious cycle. The struggle is real, the awareness is clear, yet finding the exit from this intricate labyrinth remains elusive.

Even at the precipice of my limit, I hold fast to the faith that I’m exactly where I need to be. It took me four years to reach the peak of my ultimate surrender. I finally understand that surrender doesn’t mean giving up or defeat; instead, it’s about widening the breadth of understanding while letting go of attachments to any kind of outcome. For me, the letting go is happening in increments—like releasing one finger at a time, each one tightly gripping the matrix of mind that wove my safety net.

Awaiting the results of recent scans to detect metastasis left me stranded in a terrain of terror. What has become clear to me is that the terror I felt was tied to the possibility of being proven wrong in my understanding of the disease process. If cancer had “spread,” it would mean I misunderstood, potentially jeopardizing my life for a belief that once made me feel safe. The stakes are high; if cancer does spread through the lymph and blood, my prognosis wouldn’t be good. However, if what I learned through German New Medicine is correct, and if a new significant trauma was not triggered, the results would show that the cancer remains localized in my breast.

The realization of the significance of being right in the way I invested in my healing journey, rather than being physically okay, was something I need to examine closely. Was it my steadfast and unshakable belief that actually kept my body free from metastasis, as the results ultimately proved, or did I find truth in German New Medicine?

Trauma is unavoidable, but armed with the understanding from my own experience, it’s about finding ways to mitigate fear and our survival response by doing whatever it takes. Recognizing this, I am taking every measure to avoid responding in high alert to my frantic mind. Even if it means relying on the assistance of opiates to seek refuge, allowing me to come up for air and gain a new vantage point for perspective.

I am convinced that continuing to endure the intensity of my current physical experience is a sign of a healing phase, where my tumour will eventually decompose or encapsulate. The intense pressure I feel on the surface, the heat, the swelling and the pain suggests that it is moving in that direction. However, I am realistic enough with myself to acknowledge that an open, rotting, oozing mess on my breast would likely trigger other trauma programs in my body and I am unable to risk more.

Understanding the potential trauma of losing a breast torments me. I recognize that opting for reconstructive surgery with implants may alleviate the trauma of that loss, but the thought of replacing my tumor-swollen breast with a foreign object repels me. As I witness the circling of my mind, I can feel my skin respond and I know I just need to stop.

I am reciting the Lord’s Prayer, placing emphasis on “Thy will be done,” visualizing myself opening my hands and letting go. God answered my prayer by narrowing down my options. The surgeon suggested chemo and hormone therapy to shrink the mass over possibly six months, but there isn’t even an iota of space in my capabilities to accept that option, no matter how much I try to surrender. This means that I will require a skin graft to span the space of what will be removed since I won’t have enough skin to cover my wound. Reconstruction is not an available option at this point. Strangely, I find myself able to accept this alternative.

Our minds excel at creating safety, but my fortress is crumbling, revealing a terrified child curled up inside. It’s taken this long to see that she’s always been there, yearning for that special way that only I can comfort her. As I yield to more tests and await the opinions of specialists, I wonder if they will be able to bridge the gap between how much I can let go of and how far they are willing to go, so that I can live with whatever will be done. It’s a delicate balance between what I know and what they know, and my only hope is that we can meet in the middle where I may be finally liberated.

LESSON: SURRENDER DOES NOT MEAN GIVING UP OR DEFEAT; INSTEAD, IT’S ABOUT WIDENING THE BREADTH OF UNDERSTANDING WHILE LETTING GO OF ATTACHMENTS TO ANY KIND OF OUTCOME.

RESOLUTION

by Maasaisis

Resolution came in a way that emerged from a perspective that did not want to be seen. I’ve been praying for clarity, ease, and peace. God responded, but not in the way that I wanted.

Lately, the acute pain in my breast has left me feeling vulnerable. It’s only natural for humans to seek refuge from pain by resorting to what makes them feel safe. Often, we persist in our familiar ways, even if they keep us on the same track. As Albert Einstein wisely said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” It’s a reminder that to find true resolution, we must be willing to explore new paths even if we don’t want to go there.

I’ve been on this healing journey for four years, primarily navigating it on my own. I’ve now reached a turning point where it’s evident that the very thing I’ve been resolutely avoiding from the beginning of this journey is what I need to embrace.

When I reflect on the day I received my diagnosis, my initial knowing, before fear overwhelmed me, was that cancer had arrived as a teacher. It came to me so that I would change my life and reveal aspects of myself that needed to be seen. Looking back from where I am now, deepening my relationship with myself turns out to be an extremely humbling choice.

What has sustained me through the most challenging time in my life has been my unwavering faith in my ability to heal myself. This faith has given me the courage to persevere. The trail I blazed brought me close to God and to my true Self. What I know now is that there are more layers that are ready to be lifted.

It’s ironic that my practice has been about letting go because I’ve finally come to the realization that I need to let go of what I have been holding onto so tightly. I’ve been holding onto the day that my lumps would dissolve and that the discipline of staying on the path of faith would finally pay off. How can it not, when I have been so dedicated, so strong?

In this moment, I honestly can’t tell if it was my strength that kept me going or my stubbornness to be right. I have endured so much and did things in the name of healing that still blows my mind. I thought I’d surrendered everything necessary to heal, except for one thing that I adamantly refused to release.

In all this time, I have never given one iota of thought to a mastectomy. It was something I refused to let into my field of consciousness. It was my hard “no,” and that was the only energy it got from me. I have never allowed myself to look at pictures of women who have removed their breast(s) or have had reconstructive surgery. It was just not an option for me… that is until now.

It’s a humbling realization that what I’ve been praying for may only come through the very thing I’ve been avoiding. The persistent pain in my breast is a constant reminder that something needs to change. My pain tolerance is exceptionally high, particularly when I’ve convinced myself that enduring it is the key to ultimately preserving my breast. This unwavering stoicism, ironically, may well have hindered my progress in healing.

Letting go of my breast is hard, but letting go of the belief that I could heal this on my own is even harder. I see that so clearly now. I know that I have grown because I am able to accept my reality without going to a place of defeat or failure. That would have been the old me. Instead, I now hold myself in deep reverence for finally reaching a place of acceptance.

I have to let go of the identity I’ve built around being on this incredible healing journey. Let go of the one who had been walking on the road less traveled. Let go of the part of myself that I have been protecting. Let go of the idea that healing means that I would save my breast. Let go of my judgments toward the medical system. Let go of what I think I know and having to be right. Letting go of this idea that I have to do this on my own.

This time, I approached things differently, reaffirming that I’ve indeed healed in less obvious places. I called on my family and beloved sisters to let them in on my grief. This was something I was incapable of doing at the beginning of my healing journey. I let my pain seep out and onto them to receive. I let them hold me as I dissolved not my tumours but the part of me that was holding on so tight. I let myself be vulnarable, scared and clear all at the same time.

Now, I go to a place I have not been before. It’s uncharted territory where I will surrender my faith to another to help me. I’ll draw upon the lessons I’ve learned in the past four years to approach this with a different kind of strength. It’s a strength that’s all-encompassing, one that can find grace even in the most challenging of places.

LESSON: Growth may come in ways that we resist.

“Leaning In”- Still in progress.

The Roller Coaster Ride

by Maasaisis

I’m at the point where I am beginning to realize what I actually signed up for. It reminds me of that feeling on a roller coaster ride, steadily ascending to its highest peak and dreading every second of it. At the top, in the brief pause, I am forced to face the terrifying reality that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change what is about to happen. There’s no turning back, no changing my mind, and no amount of fight will alter the course of the next few minutes. The only thing left to do is to surrender.

My right breast is taut from pressure on the inside. It’s a likeness of a perfect grapefruit—swollen, round, and oddly perky. Under different circumstances, it might have fuelled my vanity, but it’s due to the palm-sized tumour underneath. Now visibly larger than its twin, it throbs and sends sharp, electric messages to surrounding areas.

I’ve had to adapt to this new reality. I’ve become a left-hearted hugger, a back sleeper, and I keep my right elbow at the ready to shield my throbbing breast from any kind of impact. I am adjusting to new ways to support my healing and sleeping as much as I need.

This mass resembles a slowly shifting continent, inching its way toward my armpit. Its relentless pull restricts the mobility of my shoulder and diminishes the strength in my arm. Everything I hold dear about myself finds expression through my hands. It’s not what I say but the authenticity of my hands that allows me to connect with people on the deepest level. As both an artist and masseuse, my hands serve as the language through which I communicate.

Though I should be celebrating the promising signs of healing that I’ve come to understand, it’s innate human nature to react to pain with fear and resistance. I am uncertain if the mass will eventually erupt to the surface or if it will become dormant after raising a ruckus. I remain to be my own test subject.

In recent weeks, the pain has intensified significantly. Every time I pressed my fingers to catch a hook in the tissue of the person I was massaging, I would feel a painful echo reverberating in my breast. It became a disruptive distraction to what is otherwise a practice of serenity and prayer.

This week, I finally arrived at the point where I had to release my massage practice. The decision left me grappling with the aftermath—my self-worth plummeted and landed on questions like : “Who am I if I can’t massage anymore? What if I can’t paint anymore? Who am I if I can’t use my hands?”

When the heart falls out of harmony, it recruits the mind to conjure up the worst-case scenarios. We do this in an attempt to prepare ourselves, even though most of these scenarios never materialize. It’s a convoluted way of trying to find comfort in situations beyond our control. While we’re entangled in these thoughts, life continues to move forward, often slipping by unnoticed. We miss the gifts of what each moment can bring us even though it may be uncomfortable.

The irony is that I’ve been praying for this to happen. I’ve been asking for my “biological program” to reach its completion. I’ve learned from German New Medicine that cells heal best in a warm, liquid environment. Healing brings swelling, heat, and yes, pain. It’s the body’s way of signalling us to rest, to refrain from using that part so it can mend itself. This is why we often reach the peak of discomfort, also known as a healing crisis, before the body can return to homeostasis.

Against my better judgment, my well-being is compromised by toggling between my worst fears and my faith in what I’ve learned in the last four years of this healing journey. Nevertheless, I continue to remind myself to extend forgiveness to the part of me that still falls prey to these “what-ifs.” The only way is through it. I always have the choice to embrace pain and the unknown with surrender and faith, trusting in my body’s innate ability to heal. There is always the right time to remember when I forget.

I’m grateful to be reminded of the opportunities within every obstacle. Now that I’m not massaging, I have more time for my creative projects that had been shelved. This newfound time allows me to nurture and listen to what my body needs. I’m embracing this journey, wherever it may lead me, much like taking a deep breath at the peak of a rollercoaster ride—relaxing and surrendering to the wild ride ahead.

LESSON: RELAX AND SURRENDER.

Let Go and Let in

by Maasaisis

After a prolonged spell under the grip of “what if’s,” I’ve broken free from the fear ingrained in us about cancer. With time, wisdom, and experience, this fear has transformed into knowledge. My focus has shifted away from “healing,” as I now understand that my body consistently moves towards it. It is the psyche that slows down and relapses the process of healing.

Any underlying resistance towards these lumps has waned, giving way to a deep embrace of their existence and a patient curiosity to delve into the wonder of my biology.

I’ve come to realize that the mind fixates on its own disturbances. Even in moments of tranquility, a single trigger can shatter my world. News of cancer-related deaths used to plunge me into hellish thoughts of a similar fate. Through awareness, I’ve learned that fear rarely springs from evidence; it’s often an escalating construction of stories that we create which subsides when we return to the present. That is why many spiritual traditions emphasize anchoring the mind in the here and now to attain peace and freedom.

By liberating the mental space consumed by this particular fear, I’ve uncovered a newfound capacity to engage with life. Fear confines experiences and taints them with a sense of finality which we have to protect ourselves from. In the wake of traumatic events such as a serious diagnosis, our responses often involve fighting, fleeing, suppressing, or, if we’re mindful, processing the intense energy by letting it go.

It’s inherent in our nature to yearn for safety, and we mold our lives around what makes us feel comfortable. However, the potent energy of fear needs to be processed, otherwise it keeps showing up whenever it is triggered. It may morph into various scenarios, yet its core remains rooted in that initial trauma.

Fear becomes a reference point for the mind as we navigate life ahead. We unwittingly design our lives around avoiding undesirable emotions and clinging to pleasurable ones, missing the inherent choice to embrace the present as a passing experience.

Our personalities often evolve to shield us from unresolved matters, even biologically according to GNM. I’ve previously detailed how trauma impacts the brain, psyche, and body in my blogs on GNM. External triggers revive stored experiences, prompting programmed responses that ensures safety—be it anxious thoughts or abnormal cell behaviour.

All emotional states can be traced back to either love or fear. Within these realms reside a spectrum of feelings. Fear breeds insecurity, lack, anxiety, depression, greed, longing and other dense vibrational frequencies. Love is our intrinsic nature, it encompasses compassion, fulfillment, happiness, peace, joy, and connection—all operating within light energetic frequencies. That is why we yearn for all expressions of love.

My lumps are undergoing a shift in behaviour; to me, this signals a positive transformation—from unchanging masses to sharp, throbbing entities tinged with deep purple. They are moving, changing shape, and altering their quality. They seem eager to burst free from my skin, and the strong sensations make their presence known.
While these sensations can be intense, I find excitement in their confirmation of what I’ve learned. This excitement can only arise from the absence of fear.

My practice is to subdue and override sharp sensations by focusing my mind on the world around me and engaging with it without succumbing to fear.
I make an effort to avoid using the word “pain” to prevent falling into a victim mentality and the drama that my mind can easily create. I’m my own cheerleeder saying “let’s do this! I’ve got this, I’m ready, and thank you! ” Every moment is a choice in how I want to respond to life. That is the meaning of free will. I’ve embarked on a lifelong practice to stay on the path to all that love has to give.

LESSON: LET IT GO!

This blog was inspired by the teachings of Michael Singer’s brilliant book “The Untethered Soul.”

“Forgiveness”- painting by Maasa

Living For what is possible

by Maasaisis

No matter how strong my belief is, when another human being looks me in the eyes and tells me that my life may be shortened due to my choices, I still have to brace myself for the impact.

After being MIA from the medical system for three years I found myself in the same building, on the same floor, where the first surgeon I met a week after my initial diagnosis told me that I should remove my breast. Perhaps I was naive in thinking that this visit in a different room, with a different surgeon would be any different.

Now, I have three lumps in my breast. Each with it’s own characteristic and story of how it came to be. These stories were confirmed by a CT scan of my brain.

I needed absolute proof of the foundation in which I based my understanding of disease and from which I live my life. Everything I learned from German New Medicine makes solid, intellectual sense to me but having wisdom is different from gaining knowledge. Wisdom is a bunch of information but knowledge is to KNOW and to live from that knowing. It was time to bridge the gap and it had to be done by looking at my brain.

My husband was initially horrified when I told him that if I didn’t see lesions in my brain I would be devastated. As usual after giving him my long winded explanation, he fortified my decision with his unwavering support. Grace united me with a man who has the super power to put all his faith in me even if he doesn’t understand why. This is the power of love that binds us in the tight knot that keeps us together through the wildest of times.

Dr. Hamer, the founder of GNM, discovered that when we unexpectedly smash into trauma, a biological program instantly sets in motion. There is a physical imprint that appears in the brain which has a correlating response to a body part to optimize our survival. I’ve talked about this in my other posts ( “German New Medicine” and “I Got My Why”) so I’ll get back on my point about this brain scan of mine. If what Dr. Hamer discovered was true, there should be concentric circles in my brain.

The location of the circles found in my brain would not only tell me what specific part of my body is affected, it would also tell me where I’m at with my healing. Depending on the quality of the circles I’d know if I’ve resolved my trauma or if I’m still triggered somehow. I’ve had my suspicion that there are two programs running in my breast- a ductal program and glandular program. Both programs started shortly after the shocking discovery of my beloved friend’s death. I hoped and expected to see circular marks in my sensory cortex which correlates to ductal program and/or in my cerebellum for the glandular program.

The proof is definitely in the pudding. I found a GNM specialist in Croatia who’d studied under Dr. Hamer himself. I’d sent images of my non-contrast CT brain scan and he proceeded to read my story from what he saw. He showed me the circles that confirmed everything that I’d learned. My emotional scars were literally imprinted into my brain and I fell apart at the sight of it. He told me I was in a “hanging healing” which meant that the story was not yet finished.

The landscape of my brain with patterns of circles is a map of my life. It showed where I’d been, why I was there, what’s been healed and what wants to be healed. I wanted to see that all my conflicts were resolved but my lumps behaved otherwise.

I was ebbing between healing and undoing my healing because my mind would feel safe and then not. This is why my lumps morph into various sizes and shapes depending on what is happening in my head. I’d been existing in the in between place where convictions of GNM went head to head against the powerful collective belief that cancer equals death. Every time someone I cared about died of cancer it echoed in my breast.

It’s time to shit or get off the pot. I can’t exist swaying in the in between place any more. Now that I have proof in my own experience, I must empower myself with the knowledge of GNM and live it fully. The specialist in Croatia told me that programs are not designed to be running for long periods of time. By looking at the qualities of my circles he could tell that I’d been in a hanging healing for a long time. Even if I resolved my programs he didn’t think the lumps would go away on their own. It would most likely become benign and sit still like a stone.

So, there I was again sitting in that same building a few doors down on the same floor I was in years ago. Sitting across from me is a man with eyes that makes me feel at ease. This surgeon is very open minded and respectful. He does not drill me with questions of why I have left these lumps for so long. It was a big deal for me to cross the threshold and step into a system that is built on treating symptoms. I’d finally reached the point where I accepted that I only had two choices. To live with the discomfort of these lumps or to see what my options were to take them out.

I was hoping for a miracle- that a skilled surgeon could just scoop out the lumps and maybe I’d have 75% of my breast left which I could live with. The choices given to me were all the same as the first time- have at least half lopped off, the whole thing, or both just for extra measure. I was not interested in having anything foreign in there so reconstruction was off the table. If I took the half option there would be a cliff that drops down to nothing next to my nipple and there could be nerve damage that could affect my arm. I’m told my chances are better with treatments of radiation and chemo but I don’t believe him. My last choice is to take hormone drugs for at least six months to see if it would even work. This drug has a list of potential side affects that makes me think of the game “Whack A Mole”.

When I declined all the options that the surgeon gave me, he couldn’t let me leave without respectfully giving me his professional opinion. I steadied myself for the blow. It took me three days to realign with knowledge to shake off his words of doom but I got there. I returned to gratitude. I am here, I am healthy, and I am living my best life. That’s the thing with practice, it’s like coming home over and over again.

The body is a healing machine when the mind breaks free from what has happened. Human beings are designed to exist in the present moment. When we get stuck in the past we create a future from our imprints rather than creating a possibility of something new. My right breast is an artifact of what has happened and what is possible. I am living for what is possible.

LESSON: MY BODY IS A HEALING MACHINE.

Becoming Who I Already Am

by Maasaisis

Two days ago I began my 46th cycle around the sun. Being well into the second half of my life I am more interested in how I want to be rather than what I want to be. I’m constantly calling myself out these days. The result of it is that I really can’t take myself too seriously. My pride is such an ego-driven maniac that all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of its righteousness and forgive myself for it. The ego always speaks loudly first in its projectile nature.

I imagine what the world would look like when the invisible line that separates every one of us finally dissipates. What would happen if we all woke up one morning and unzipped our bodies to reveal the sameness in us? Perhaps you’d think that’s boring…but what if we finally found what we were looking for?

This incessant need to fill up life with things and achievements means nothing when we are gone. We only take with us what we’ve always been. The competitiveness, the comparisons, the good and the bad drive us mad. We create our own hell from our own projections and choose to stay there. We do-do-do on the outside when what we really want is peacefully waiting for us to turn in.

These two lumps of mine remind me that I have a choice. I can choose fear and live in hell or I can choose to be free of it. Every moment gives me the opportunity to choose. Fear can be crippling. It shapeshifts to denial and regret which amplifies its power to make me forget that I always have a choice.

I’ve been drawn to the philosophy of Stoicism as of late. The attraction lies in the practice of attention and redirection- to focus on letting go of what we can’t control and directing the mind to the things that we can. I can control my perspective, observations, and actions. So I ask myself ” Am I ok right now?”

Since the ego exists in time it’s obsessed with the future. It replies “Yes I’m ok right now but I might not be later”. Then it creates the most elaborate house of terrors and throws me in. If I can catch the spinning of this tale and tell myself the truth, “yes, I feel super healthy. I’m functioning. Everything is working just fine” then I’m free to live another day.

I’ve been doing this for three and a half years. The ego can only exist as the body. It traps and attaches everything to this suit that I’m wearing on the outside. It keeps everything on the surface, wants to be perfect and live forever. The ego always makes judgments to impose itself onto others to prove itself right. It does not and will never recognize the sameness in us that connects us all which is eternal. So I’m on the lookout to catch the clues to know when I’m not of sound mind.

I will not disrespect the fine suit I’m in and be reckless. This suit is what I’ve got -to learn the lessons I need so I can let it go when the time comes. I must love it, care for it, create from it and spring life from it until then.

Earl Nightingale said, “We become what we think about”. I know this to be true because my life reflects my state of mind. There is no good or bad there just IS. I just happen to have some speed bumps on the contour of my breast that is presently not causing me ill health. It’s a constant letting go of how my breast used to be and my dream about that.

I’m working on being more receptive, less projective, and more grateful. It really is tragically funny how fucking difficult that is. That’s why I really need a sense of humor with an unlimited resource of love and forgiveness to wake up to become who I already AM.

CONFIRMATIONS

by Maasaisis

The light recedes towards the darkness as the days get shorter and the air feels colder. There is a familiar melancholy felt in trading the bursting days of summer to the inward coiling of the long winter months ahead. Perhaps that is why I feel so tired, so very tired of the discipline it takes to live my life the way I have chosen to live it.

Faith is a fire that needs regular tending to so it won’t go out. If I let the fire go out I’m not sure I can exist in the dark. For the last 3 months I’ve had relapses of what I experienced early on in my healing journey. My eyes… the physical portal from which I perceive is the door between my mind and the outside world. I’ve had round after round of what I call the Rocky Balboa eyes because when it’s bad it looks like double shiners.

The first time it happened was after my 33 day grape fast three years ago. If you’ve been following my blog, you’d know that I’ve relied 100% on my inner compass to show me the way. Around that time my compass was spinning round and round leading me nowhere. Not knowing what to do next to “fix” what I thought was broken left me very vulnerable to the onslaught of fear.

My biological response to “not being able to see my way forward” was for my eyes to produce more tear fluid to aid my sight to see better. My tear producing glands worked overtime swelling up to the degree of my mental funckery. The tear drainage ducts plug up from too much pressure and there I have Rocky Balboa eyes.

Not knowing what I know now, at the time I thought the cancer metastasized into my eyes which only made my symptons worse. The light of my faith was but a flicker so I signed up for Vipassana and found a way to stoke my fire.

I haven’t had a relapse until I decided to get a MRI diagnostic this summer. Two lumps appeared beneath the scar of my lumpectomy shortly after the shocking death of a beloved sister. We had instantly connected through the same diagnosis and similar approach to healing. She too had been following her inner compass to heal her spirit in order to heal her body. God connected us at a time we needed each other the most. Her sudden death and in which I found out about it was a blow I was totally unprepared for. If she died following her compass what does that mean for me?

After grieving her death for months I noticed small nodules developing under my scar. As a student of German New Medicine I had no doubt that it was in response to my shock. I won’t get into the biological science of what happened as I have written about in the past. It’s one thing to have the knowledge, it’s entirely another beast to actually practice it when we are taught to fear our symptoms. It’s no easy feat to over ride synapses that have been wiring and firing through indoctrination.

I’ve had these lumps now for a year. During that time I’ve lost numerous friends to cancer. The last time someone looked inside was over two years ago when I had my lumpectomy. At the time I was told cancer was in one of my lymph nodes. Rather than doing the recommend testing and treatments I followed my compass again. I am my own test subject. Deciding on getting a MRI was the biggest gamble to see if my faith was placed in the hands of God or in the hands of ignorance and stupidity.

In the month leading up to the MRI my eyes blew up. To have this relentless episode revisit me at that time was the cruelest of confirmations that my body responds to my mind. My life was put on hold. I couldn’t plan anything past what I would potentially find from that screening. I couldn’t “see” my way forward.

In the tunnel of the rumbling, white machine I prayed with all my might. I was stuck in an in-between place between faith and accepting my fate. What would I do if I was deadly wrong all this time? Maybe my next lesson would be ultimate humility.

The ten days waiting for the results was accompanied by my eyes mirroring my internal struggle. It takes so much discipline to choose faith rather than give up. I think I am hardwired to believe that I’m being supported by a greater power than myself, otherwise I could not live this life. I thank the Creator for creating me this way.

What the MRI revealed was not what I hoped for but it did restore power in my faith. What I wanted to know was if the lumps in my breast are proliferating or benign. This would tell me if my body is still in survival mode or if that “program” has been resolved. I was urged further testing and poking around to know for certain. I’m not going down that road right now.

What I did find out is that there is no cancer anywhere else in my body. If I believed that cancer in the lymph led to the spreading of cancer elsewhere, it would have been all over the place after two years. That confirmation is enough to keep me going even if I don’t know exactly where I’m going. My concern is not that cancer will spread. The body biologically responds to trauma as a survival mechanism. My job is to be aware enough to downgrade it so the symptoms won’t become life threatening.

Since then, my eyes continue to oscillate between swelling and receding. Like a tide going in and out-I ebb in the realm of faith. I have clues to why this is happening but I’m still in the midst of figuring it out. Every-time I look at myself I think I’m triggering the cycle. Body follows mind and mind follows body too. I’m stuck in a feedback loop of all that I’ve gone through and still having to go through. I don’t know why I’m the way that I am. It’s not easy putting all my eggs in a basket that can’t be seen. That’s why it’s called faith.

LESSON: CONFIRMATIONS DON’T ALWAYS COME IN WAYS THAT ARE PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE CONFIRMATIONS NONE THE LESS.

“REMEMBERANCE”- held in faith.

Healing Together

by Maasaisis

Marianne Williamson’s talk was inspiring, liberating and sobering. I’ve been a great fan of her work as her interpretations of A Course In Miracles affirms what I’ve been learning from the book in a way that cements it in. She is witty, passionate and has great analogies to explain what the course is about in layman’s terms.

At 70 yrs old, her energy was powerful and electric. The takeaway for me was that she talked about the 3 days between the crucifixion and the resurrection. We are at a pivotal time where we live in 2 worlds now. One that is dying and one that is being birthed. We are facilitating the shift in consciousness as both death doula and birth doula. We are in between the crucifixion and the resurrection.

The time of the crucifixion as a metaphor, is us being hung up and wounded by our past and living from that place. It’s important to tend to our wounds and be conscious of it and it’s also important to know when it’s time to get off the cross to get resurrected – that can only happen in the NOW. We must choose to release ourselves so that we can heal not just ourselves but the world.

My understanding of the resurrection is waking up to the truth of who we are which is that we are One with all of creation. A Course In Miracles uses the metaphor that we are all rays of the sun not realizing that we all come from the one source. As long as we think we are separate from one another we believe we are separate from what we already are. We can never be separate from what we really are because love made us like itself. It is all encompassing and eternal- always there waiting to be remembered.

We yearn to return to what we already are but maybe it’s not something we just do solo. I’ve done so much deep solo work but it can only get me so far until I can extend it into my relationships. I know this is true for myself.

Marianne Williamson confirmed that ultimately what we do and feel towards others we do unto ourselves. So in every opportunity through our relationships we can fragment or heal through love. It’s important to know that love can also be fierce, powerful, and have boundaries. It’s not just about the fluffy stuff because forgiveness is key to freeing each other and ourselves especially when it feels impossible to do so.

ACM says, “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”. What I’m learning is the miracles the book talks about isn’t about some grand event to make non believers believe. A miracle happens in every moment when we remember who we are. I think that’s enlightenment and it can happen in a fleeting moment of remembrance- when we are free from painful projections of the past which is ultimately fuelled by fear. It happens when we really see ourselves in each other no matter what is being expressed on the outside. At the core we are all of the same.

It’s a practice that’s for sure and maybe that’s why we’re here having this human experience.

Marianne had us think about the hardest event that happened in our lives. I felt my heart clamp down. Then she told us to look at the person to the right, to the left, in front and behind. Then asked us to think of our event again and notice if the feeling changed. For me, the compassion I felt towards others with that instant reflection became not just mine but all of ours and there I found love. Pain is pain, there is no competing that one persons suffers more than another. The tight place where my pain lived softened and I believe we did it all together.

Our Deepest Fear

By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;

It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we’re liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

LESSON: “Seek not to change the world but to change your mind about it”

Healing Together- “Cosmic Family”

Transcendence Of SMR

by Maasaisis

Why is it that we refer to people in the past tense when the body completes its function? If she becomes a “was” instead of an “is” that means she doesn’t exist. She is no longer expressed through the body that we recognize but it doesn’t mean she went out like a candle flame.

I’m sitting where I can see her face clearly. The veil between the seen world and unseen mystery is tangible. Within the sacred circle of her Beloveds there’s a deep stirring of the ways of the old, like we’ve done this before from a time we don’t remember. We know exactly how to be- perfect in our individual response of letting her go yet united in love. We are at the pinnacle of presence blessing her holy departure.

She’s lying in the centre on a bed of a thousand pedals staring into the eyes of her children. My heart cracks wide open to feel the nuance of all that I’m feeling. I don’t want to pull away from this… I won’t falter to my attachments and crumble. I will all of me to be present with her. I stay anchored to my faith that we go on when our body does not.

I am an open vessel funnelling this profound moment. Ancient circuits are going on line because I know this ceremony. This is how it is suppose to be… Our hallowed anthem of whispers, cries, songs and prayers will carry her onwards and always.

During my time as a doula I welcomed many births. How does such a small being survive the arduous journey to the outside world? How can it be crushed, pushed and pulled without being utterly damaged? I’ve heard that the pineal gland releases huge amounts of DMT also known as the “Spirit Molecule” during birth and death. The tryptamine induces an intense altered state similar to what one would experience at a peak of a psychedelic experience. Perhaps that is why we hear of near-death stories where survivors have profound spiritual experiences and encounters with other worldly beings.

I need to believe that the many Ayahuasca ceremonies Scarlet did prepared her for this ultimate trip.

Scarlet Mary Rose came into my life like an explosion of confetti. We met over 2 decades ago in a college music program. Before Scarlet, I’d never met a woman who could unabashedly, unapologetically, and genuinely express herself. I didn’t know what to make of her except that she was deeply intriguing. She invoked, inspired and provoked parts of me that I didn’t know existed.

Burlesque sounded like something that came out of Timbuktu. I had no idea what it was until Scarlet glorified the art through her fantastical imagination. She captivated me with her vision to empower women and liberate sexuality through creativity- music, dance, twirling titties and gyrating asses-it’s a freedom movement of unbound self expression. She said her nipples would be covered in fancy tape and her vagina always just out of sight. My mind was blown.

Within a year after my diagnosis she got the exact same news. I thought I was solid, I thought I had my fear at bay but she was really afraid and it triggered me big time. I supported her through what I’d learned, I did my best to inspire her to dig deep, but there were days when we were both mentally mangled by our prognosis.

People can love and support you the best that they know how. But unless they are in the trenches with you, there’s no way to grasp the extent of mind fuckery mortality plays on you when it’s knocking at your door. We leaned on each other and respectively gave each other space. We made a pact to be honest with where we are at.

I’ll never forget the day I met her at the hospital after her chemo. She was convinced that the treatments would kill her, that her body couldn’t take the chemical assault. I held onto her like I held onto my own life. “There’s got to be another way”, I said.

Scarlet did find her own way. I witnessed her transcending fear and step into grace. She looked into me as her soul spoke out that she was ready. I instantly let go of my own agenda, my own need for her to keep going… for her not to give up. She wasn’t giving up, she was letting go.

Al and I drove 2 hours to this beautiful, remote, retreat centre to send her off. It’s important for us to be here for Scarlet but for us as well. We don’t talk about my health as long my cues are affirming that all is well. But, the “what if” is still in the periphery and now we are facing it with Scarlet. Somehow we know that there will be healing by being close to what we don’t want to think about.

“See the wood this ceiling is made out of? ” Scarlet says. “I bet my grandpa milled it because it’s the kind of wood only he milled at the time. My ancestors are here.” I am savouring every word she says. I’m collecting every opportunity to take her in before she goes. I tell her I love her. She holds me and whispers “when it’s time just let go”.

Scarlet is holding court before her departure. She is singing a duet with a Beloved on the piano and it’s the performance of her life. I’m sure her voice is opening the portal to the place where she is going. The last line of the song is “let me die” and we all crack open some more.

I’m keeping a firm eye on her. What if she changes her mind? What do I do if she does? Scarlet’s reliving the highlights of her burlesque career. She’s bringing in her Beloveds who couldn’t be there in person through her stories. There’s tales of glitter bombs, big balls and her cowgirl burlesque act as Rosy Rawhide. We are laughing, singing, crying and celebrating. All the while she is leading the way- there’s no apprehension, no fall back, she is set on her trajectory and ready for takeoff.

“I’m gonna smoke this joint and then we’re gonna go” she claimed. This is it… and we all know it. We walk in a sacred procession to the place where her body will be left behind.

My mind is trying to keep up with the magnitude of what is actually happening. I am straining my eyes to see beyond the wet curtain of tears. I will not miss the holy instant of her spiritual metamorphosis. I feel her leave.

We are taking turns revering her brilliance. It feels like we are suspended in space existing between here and where-ever she is. The men leave and several sisters stay to wash her voluptuous, porcelain body. I am singing as I wash her breast with the scar from her surgery. It is deeply healing for me to be so intimate with her scar that’s akin to mine. I am at peace entranced by her beauty- She’s a renaissance woman blazing the path to always.

Revelation

by Maasaisis

A revelation occurs in a miraculous instant when the constructs of the ego falters. What’s left standing is who I really am. I was given the gift of this experience after a tumultuous week of rumbling with chaos. It occurred when I traded in all of my tools for the mighty One. It occurred when I finally had the sense to ask for help.

I used to think that God hands out the hard lessons to be learned- as if I need to pass certain levels to ascend to my higher Self. But I’m beginning to recognize the similar traits of every avenue that leads to suffering. The common denominator being fear, guilt and shame- the Trio Of Destruction that often works in that consecutive order.

When I’m able to catch the whiff of that familiar pattern of attack, I notice various versions of the same story crafted from my past. They all operate under the law of limitations, devaluations, and evaluations based on external validations. All tools used by the ego to create a perception of the world that keeps me from knowing my true greatness.

My ego is the ghost writer of a convincing story who sneakily put God’s name on the cover. The light is gone only because I believe what’s written in the script -it is not a test from the Almighty. The stories I make up to affirm my place in the world is the very thing keeping me from the peace I seek.

The deal with existing in this physical dimension is that we primarily relate to our experiences through tangible means. We interpret life through the identity of the body which is limited in it’s capabilities. Who AM I if I’m not Maasa the wife, the mother, the artist, the seeker, the one that marches to the beat of her own drum? What goes on when my body does not?

In the midst of my assault, I’m terrified of my attachments to the beautiful life I’ve created. The joy of living drains out of me and I’m afraid of losing everything. In a state of survival rational thought doesn’t exist. All my training goes to the wayside and I’m utterly in a mind fuckery.

Fear penetrates, colouring my perception in hues of black and grey. I tried to keep it in…tried not to let it seep out but I couldn’t. The ones closest to me became the witness of my unravelling. While I kept telling myself that It’s ok to let them see me fall apart, a louder voice yelled at me for failing. “You should have your shit together, you should know better, you should be stronger, you should be so much wiser by now!”

Then, the tide of guilt drew me into the hot mess of shame.

Who is the one shouting at me?

How can I be my own saviour being the one who designed the structure of my imprisonment?

The revelation dawned on me to seek for help elsewhere- from the Source that created me. The One who knows the magnitude of my magnificence that can help me to remember who is real. My S.O.S was heard. My appeal for help was answered.

Maybe life is the ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering. Even in a constant state of obscurity something inherent wants to be known. That calling is what keeps me going, even when I don’t think I can hear it. I think it’s the indestructible, eternal part of me. I think it’s the Created and the Creator reconciled as One.

I am resurrected in an instant of remembrance and the suffering is forgotten. Miracles operate in ways that can not be conceived by the enslaved mind. Every-time I feel love, peace and joy it is the light of my true nature that is remembered. That is why I seek it.

So why the viscous attack from the Triad of Destruction? I yearn to know myself as the perfect creation of the Creator. I want to heal what is broken by knowing that I can’t be broken.

The hallowed desire to be whole is a major threat to the survival of the false self that I have carefully constructed all of my life. So, there she is..threatening me to save me which is the biggest clue that she is not real.

A Course In Miracles says “Nothing real can be threatened.”

My revelation revealed that I can not remember the Truth alone. I can’t know my true capabilities without the help of my Maker. The belief that I can find my own way is the trap that leads me back to where I have already been.

Maybe enlightenment doesn’t have to be permanent. Maybe enlightenment is in the fleeting moment of remembrance and the ability to forgive ourselves when we forget.

P.S My contemplations have been influenced by studying A Course In Miracles. These are my own reflections. I do not assume to know what the text means.

LESSON: ASK FOR HELP.

ART IS A VISUAL GATEWAY TO TRANSMUTE THE STORIES THAT DO NOT SERVE ME.