When I heed the resounding call from greater knowing, no matter how daunting the task, it has never failed me. It has revealed the vastness of my potential, always just beyond the brink of my own limitations. I didn’t know how I was going to heal, I just knew I would.
I’ve had plenty of life experiences confirming I’d made the right choice by listening to the powers Be. That’s what I’ll call it because I don’t know if it’s God, the angels, my ancestors, supreme intelligence, my higher self or a version of myself in a parallel universe that’s giving me feedback. Maybe it’s all the same thing…after all, are we not of One? There’s been too many divine interventions in the span of my life to question it. No, it’s not logical… it’s mystical.
Maybe my life was set up that way in preparation to navigate cancer… Sometimes it comes as a sign, sometimes it’s a sure feeling. Sometimes the confirmation is encrypted, leaving little breadcrumbs for me to follow until I get to the big YES! The YES is absolute. It makes me weep in gratitude because knowing with certainty amidst uncertainty is a miracle. Making the move requires immense faith because I have to go all in. Like I’m standing on the edge of the cliff receiving the message to jump off. I have to commit to making the leap. I have to trust that my wings will open before I hit the ground.
What I knew for sure was that I could not accept the doctor’s advice. I never did end up unscrambling the words said to me that day of my diagnosis. There was no way to put it together in a way that made any sense to me. How could removing a part of me heal me? How could burning me heal me? How could poisoning me with known carcinogens heal me? How can that be the way for an already compromised system?
I’d done enough research by then to know the dismal reality of cancer recurrence after conventional treatment. One could be in remission, for a few months maybe even for years, then one day it comes back with a tenacious ferocity. I had to understand the root cause of why my body was dysfunctioning. I didn’t buy into the all the theories that I came across. It wasn’t convincing enough…it didn’t resonate as truth.
The allopathic treatment model is based on symptoms. The strategy is to attack the tumour with guns blazing… to get rid of the scary thing on the surface. To me, it was an incredibly violent approach, with the ripple effect of compromising the whole system. Sure, there are survivors following that model but it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t bet my life on it. I knew what I wasn’t going to do so, I stepped off the ledge.
LESSON: HEED THE CALL FROM THE POWERS BE
Rainbow Jaguar shreds through Fear- Painting by Maasa
Being in the tropics frolicking with dolphins was a great distraction to keep Fear at bay. Back home alone with the ominous presence of my lump, Fear germinated into a full blown mind fuck. I pushed away from it, I wanted it out, more than anything I wanted a quick fix. My knowing wrestled with all the “what if’s” while I stood at the crossroads preparing to make my move.
Nothing about this journey was going to be quick nor easy. No doubt, the mental wrestling ground would be visited numerous times along the way. Fear had the ability to transform my convictions into a puddle of uncertainty in a split second. I had to eradicate the “what if’s” in order to heal. I knew the dysfunction of cellular activity was a direct response to me. Something I suppressed, something I experienced, something I didn’t process…
Perhaps that understanding alone gave me the strength to believe in myself. Because if I created it, I could also reverse it. I needed to find out the exact reason why it happened. It wasn’t something I’d contracted or was passed along in my genes. It couldn’t have just been a shitty break because there is a reason for everything. We all have dormant cancer cells… something in my life had triggered an uprising.
The light of my Spirit had been buried beneath my “To Do” lists for too long. My undigested life experiences proclaimed “SEE ME NOW!” It was time for a reckoning… my body was in a state of revolution, it had had enough! It was time to deep dive into my can of worms and face what was in there. That was the mission. No one else could do it for me.
The surgeon said he wouldn’t be able to move forward without a 3D mammogram, and the enlarged gland above my lump biopsied. That meant another titanium clip and my tumour pressed between 20 pounds of pressure. So if I have this compromised pathway, wouldn’t squishing my lump set all those unruly cells free? That just seemed like a bad idea…
Appointments were made with the diagnostic team and everything was set in motion. None of the doctors ever asked me how I wanted to proceed. By the end of my trip, I knew what I had to do. All it took was one phone call.
My biggest struggle was telling my husband about my decision. I had cancelled my appointments upon my return without discussing it with him. I did this because I had to. I had to in order to stay committed to what I knew was NOT right for me. I couldn’t allow myself to be swayed by his fears. I was still taking every step with a wobble. I didn’t have the capacity to defend my decision.
I did my best to explain my thought process but even as I spoke, I could feel his fear starting to penetrate mine. I was asking a lot out of him… to just trust my intuition and accept my choice. I wished so badly to be able to transfer what I felt in my gut right into his. I just knew I would be ok. We always made big decisions together. That was the first time he did not have a say. In that moment the walls came up and between us a massive chasm.
I allowed the space between us to be just that and dove into my self care routine with a single minded determination. I could not allow myself to get distracted even if my relationship was at stake. I trusted that there would be resolve between us in due time. I fuelled my energy into things that I could control. I listened deeply to my inner voice and used it as my guiding compass.
I researched, applied what I learned with focus and with discipline. I spent a lot of time in the forests hugging trees and falling apart. I slowed my life down exponentially. I prayed for help from the very core of my being. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I got comfortable with not having a fucking clue about what to do next. I opened myself up to people I felt drawn to. I became transparent…I consciously started to do things differently, because I knew I couldn’t be the same person I was before Cancer ripped into my life.
Then, something magical started to happen. My intuition became sharper. I started to get irrefutable signs. I accepted them faithfully and took action…I followed the breadcrumbs. I devoted myself to practices that grounded me, charged me, and aligned me with the Powers Be.
Al quietly witnessed the transformation taking place. He recognized my unwavering ability to stay focused on my path. It had been a couple of weeks since our divide when he pulled me into a sudden embrace. “I got your back baby, I believe in you”. I melted into him as his support was yet another sign that I was on the right track. He never swayed from that moment on.
“The Dark Night of the Soul is a painful process that heralds change, transformation and ultimately embodiment of the Divine.”- Loner Wolf
Sept. 22, 2019
On the plane ride from Seattle to Fort Lauderdale, I noticed a frail woman lying down with her head on her partner’s lap. I took a moment to acknowledge her on the way to the bathroom. My head was congested, lungs gurgled with every breath, mucus spewing out of my facial orifices…fucking hell! Under the fluorescent light of the miniature lavatory, I hardly recognized the pale, aged, face looking back at me. My body ached like I’d been a punching bag for Muhammad Ali.
Life was sucking profoundly but I was too tired to be angry. Uggg, I can’t believe I got another cold, a heavy period ,with the extra bonus of Cancer on my sunny vacation! All summer long, I felt phlegmy and experienced the annoyance of hay fever for the first time. I was regularly breaking out in eczema which used to only happen a few times over the winter. My body was profoundly off kilter.
I know now, that my immune system was severely compromised. The mucus build up, the exhaustion, and finally the Cancer was all a reflection of my system failing. My body was trying to tell me but I’m too damn good at being optimally functional! Yep, just hammering away with my head down to the grindstone, looking after everyone but myself, oblivious to the fact that I was falling apart.
I had planned this long awaited trip in the Spring. I’d been swimming with wild cetaceans around the globe, ever since my 16 year old self fell in love with a Spotted dolphin. It was the first time my heart flowered open while gazing into the soul of another sentient being. It had a radical impact on me but that’s another blog post to come…
I’d been on hiatus from visiting my finned friends since my daughter, Lanoa was born. She was 9 years old , a great swimmer, and ready to be plunked into the ocean with my beloveds. I picked the Bahamas because wild encounters were easy to come by, at least that was my experience twice before. When I was actualizing my reunion, I felt a surprising urge to invite my parents who at the time lived in Japan. That was interesting because I didn’t think to invite my husband nor any of my friends. My parents miraculously had the exact dates open in their busy schedule to join us on our adventure with the dolphins. We got the last 4 spots left on the dates that I selected. So that’s how it happened…
Divine Intervention was already at work months before my diagnosis. I was already receiving the help that I needed. I had pre booked a trip to the Bahamas with the only people I could be with at the time.
In a hotel in Fort Lauderdale, we met the other participants of the Wild Quest dolphin retreat based in Bimini. We all had an intrinsic liking to one another with the common love we shared for dolphins. I saw a woman being pushed on a wheelchair coming towards us. It was the very same woman who I saw on the flight! What? A wink from the universe?…When I saw that she was part of our pod, I knew that she would impact me in a meaningful way.
I felt like I could finally fall apart with my parents there with me. I needed to be present with the messy process of accepting cancer as my companion. That first day on the water was super rough. Hurricane Dorian had ripped through the Bahamas right around the time of my diagnosis. The ocean was still reeling in its wake. It truly was a perfect reflection of my emotional state. The catamaran heaved up and down riding giant waves into the open sea.
I’d never felt so ill in my life…I tried to keep myself together for Lanoa’s sake but the last place I wanted to be was on that boat! We encountered a group of spotted dolphins but the water was too wild for my girl to go in. While everyone else jumped into an ecstatic experience, I stayed on the boat consoling my heartbroken girl. It took everything in me to hold back my insides which was on the verge of spilling out. We spent the entire day rocking with the swells while I clung to my dear life…literally.
Back on land my nausea and the rocking did not stop. My brain was pulsing against my head, the mucus build up spared me little space to breathe. Then my nose started to bleed…What if it’s the cancer? Is it happening? Maybe this nausea will never go away and nosebleeds will become a regular thing?
I crumpled into pieces onto my bed… the flood gates opened. Lanoa was downstairs eating dinner with my parents so I let myself go. I sobbed for my life before, I sobbed for how I treated my body, I sobbed for pushing myself too hard, I sobbed for the life I might not have…terror slashed through every cell in my body shaking me from my very core. Just when I couldn’t take it anymore, my parents walked in to witness my unravelling. Lanoa was outside playing with lizards while my parents sandwiched me between their love. They held me compassionately…quietly….
The waves of sobs kept coming like the waves I rode that day. I let myself fall apart some more, unable to hold all the broken pieces of me together. There was something beautifully authentic about the giant pile of mess that I’d become. All storms eventually subside. I let the pieces of me rest at the bottom of the sea.
The next day was a new dawn for me. Back at home, I only shared my diagnosis with a few of my trusted friends. I didn’t want people to look at me like I was sick, or project their own fears around the big “C” word. The last thing I needed was people’s opinions on how to go about my treatment plan. I needed to create a safe zone for me to just be with my experience.
It was my turn in the sharing circle, I held onto my dignified self for a split second before realizing the ridiculousness of it. It was typical of me – to present myself as my best even when shit had hit the fan and crap was all over me. Not this time… I was trembling…
I didn’t know if I could speak or what could possibly come out. Then, it happened…I channeled my Knowing Self. Between sobs, I stated that the cancer came to save my life. That it was a Divine tap on the shoulder to wake me up- to truly experience life authentically. It came out as a vow finishing with “I have time”. I was shocked in the conviction of my statement. The room was a silent container. When I opened my eyes, I saw glistening eyes looking back at me. I was completely held within my human pod.
We had an epic day with the dolphins that day. The ocean reflected the settling of my Soul; calm, clear, pristine blue, holding me in it’s vastness. Swimming eye to eye with my old friends filled my heart with such expansive joy. I finally felt like my old, giddy, self with dolphin energy swirling inside me. I got to share that very special experience with Lanoa. I let that magic stew inside with intense gratitude. Be Here Now.Yes, Be Here Now.
I sat next to the woman who I recognized from the plane ride. Her body was fragile yet her spirit shone through her so brilliantly. She told me that she’d been chronically ill for over 40 years and that she was finally recovering. Inspired by her story, I asked her if she had any advice for me. She smiled and said if there is one thing she would like to pass onto me, it would be to stop searching outwardly for answers. She said, “Find the answer from inside your Self because true healing can only happen from there.”
My spirit soured in elation in a resounding “YES”!I knew this. I knew this so clearly in the very essence of my being. I just needed the confirmation. I got this! It was in that moment that I took the giant leap.
We are walking into a decrepit building. Why would a prominent surgeon choose to rent an office in such a depressing space? We are sitting on aluminum framed chairs with thin, black, pleather seats, waiting to be called in. There is an invisible space that’s wedged between us from the argument in the truck. He’s holding my hand but I can’t feel him. We are called into the office around the corner.
The redeeming feature of this building is the large window overlooking the Columbia River in the surgeons office. I am distracted by the rushing waters while the surgeon introduces himself.
He is a bespectacled, brainy looking man that describes what he is talking about by drawing diagrams. He is removing various parts of my womanhood on paper.
I’ve suddenly landed on an alien spaceship. I’m strapped down to a metal table looking up into enormous, inky, almond, eyes. Tall, lanky, grey, aliens with tiny slit mouths holding scalpels. High tech machines are looming over me with bright lights offensively illuminating my naked body. Terror makes its grand entrance colliding into me.
I teleport back as the surgeon pulls out another sheet of blank paper to draw out my “best case scenario”; a Lumpectomy with Radiation. “You see in this case, we can remove the clip when we go in there.” he says. “What? What Clip?”, I ask. “The titanium clip that was inserted when you got your biopsy.” I did get fucking abducted! They implanted something inside me!
I try to keep my cool as I tell him that I was not informed, nor did I give my consent to embed a foreign object inside me. He says that they don’t need my consent. There is liquid lava bubbling in my belly and heat is rising to my face. Deep breath in, long breath out… “why did they put the clip in there?” “Well, when you insert a needle to get a sample of the mass, it creates a pathway for the cancer cells to potentially spread. We put a clip in there as a locator so when we do the surgery, we can make sure to get clear margins to remove the tumour and the pathway that may be compromised.”
This information of risk was not disclosed to me at the time of the procedure. Was it assumed that I would get the surgery right from the get go? Do I have any say in this? I feel violated, the little bit of faith I have in Allopathic medicine dissipates into molten lava.
Reality sets in like a left hook by a Southpaw. I want to vomit. I want to escape. I want to press the reset button and reclaim my life as my own. I become the ghost of my optimism. Al is pale… trying to contain the enormity of what we must face. On the drive home, I let him crush my fingers because he needs to hold onto me. I try to lighten the mood by saying, “Good thing I’m going to the Bahamas tomorrow, better get packing!” He shakes his head like a bobble head.
LESSON: PAY ATTENTION TO MY THOUGHTS AND WHERE THEY ARE TAKING ME.
The nitty gritty of what was to come was saved for the specialists. I’m passed between them like a ping pong ball, until a professional consensus of exterminating my lump is formed.
I’m staring at the peeling skin on his face. It’s dry, flaky and desperate for penetrating moisture. I have just the product for him at my spa…Lumpectomy, Mastectomy, Double Mastectomy, Radiation, Chemotherapy, Hormone Therapy… his words are passing like clouds in the space of my mind. “Do you have any questions?” he asks. I have to restrain myself from asking about his skin care regime. “Yes, I do. I’d like some time to significantly change my lifestyle before moving forward. Will you support my decision?”.
He is trying to disguise the look of Oh God, here’s another naive idealist… then quickly regains his gentle composure. “If it is an informed choice we can have a discussion, but for now please remove the gown” . Why did he bother telling me to wear one if I’m gonna be taking it right off?
I’m baring my breasts while I stare at the point where the wall meets the ceiling. His long, slender fingers are pressing against the outline of my irregular shaped lump. I can feel my areola shrink and my nipples harden, pulling away from his touch like a snail retreating into its shell. My husband Al, is telling him how brave I’d been despite the shitty card I’ve been dealt. He makes me sound like a superhero even though I don’t have the strategy to destroy my lumpy villain.
The oncologist is compassionate but what he is saying is not getting through to me… It’s not resonating. I need to feel like he’s got the answers, I need to feel some certainty… He digs into my armpit like an excavator. After he dives in a few more times, he discovers another small lump undetected by the CAT Scan. Fuck… “You’ll have to go see the surgeon before we can proceed”.
The next stop is in our neighbouring town to meet a reputable surgeon. Al’s troubled eyes are dead set on the highway, the crease between his brows deeper than usual. He’s driving with one hand on the wheel while the other is cupped over my thigh. I turn on a podcast about how detoxification is the key to healing chronic diseases. His face reflects his aversion to my keen interest in finding another way. “Just listen”, I say. “Are you seriously going to listen to some yahoo on a podcast rather than the professionals in the field of medicine?!”
I erupt into a rant about how Big Pharma wouldn’t exist if money was put into researching and building stats around natural cures for Cancer. “The whole medical monopoly would crumble if they backed nature and explored human potential!” I’m shouting because I need to believe in what I’m saying.
For 19 years, Al and I have always been on the same team facing challenges as a united front. For the first time, I’m seeing him on the other side of the field. Is this it? Is Cancer gonna be the deal breaker for us?
Doc opened the door, his face crumpled under the weight of what was to come. Sensing danger I press the eject button, instantly leaving my body hostage while I usher the rest of me out to safety. I am an observer in a distant place, witnessing the epic blow smash into the 42-year-old form. The “C” word seeps out of his mouth like toxic fumes, slowly poisoning the air in the small exam room. “You have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma… that’s Breast Cancer”.
Invasive…my mind draws a parallel to an invasive plant species raising havoc inside my precious ecosystem. It’s aggressive root system fuels the plant to grow at an extraordinary rate, smothering the native species, devouring the existence of the original inhabitant. Devouring me…I grip the smooth, wooden arms of my seat to keep me steady. He says the abnormal cells would multiply, take over, and ultimately wipe me out without a swift contingency plan.
The standard course of action is to uproot the intruder and take extra measures to ensure my survival. In short, it’s an extract, burn, and poison operation making its habitat uninhabitable. To strike hard…quickly, before the seed pods open to spread its offspring all over me. I’ve been drafted for war…the battlefield is on my right breast. How did I miss the war cry? How did I miss the declaration of dominion over me? How the hell did this happen? My body is an empty shell, his words swirl around inside, scrambled up in a nonsensical mess.
“It’s very treatable” he says. My MD is a kind man, who genuinely cares for my well being but the exam room is stifling me. I need to get out, to breathe myself back into the container of my body…to be alone to put all his words together and make sense of it all. “Ok, I’ll be in touch with the oncologist, thank you”. I’m surprised at the steadiness of my voice but I have to summon the force to exit the room.
I close the windows in my car to shut the world out. The accelerating thumping of my heart pounds me from the inside. My reality is crumbling from the periphery, rattling the ground beneath me and there is nothing to hold onto. I don’t want to go to war…
LESSON: SEEK REFUGE IN A QUIET PLACE AND WAIT FOR INSTRUCTIONS.
“When i run after what i think i want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety; if i sit in my own place of patience, what i need flows to me, and without pain. from this i understand that what i want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it.” – RUMI
This is the first post on my new blog so stay tuned for more! Please subscribe below to get notified for new post updates. I invite you to read my blogs from the beginning as my experience is written in a sequential manner. Some may call me reckless, some may call me brave, some may find refuge in a story that resonates deeply.
LESSONS FROM MY LUMP 