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Baring My Breasts

by Maasaisis

Sept. 20, 2019

The nitty gritty of what was to come was saved for the specialists. I’m passed between them like a ping pong ball, until a professional consensus of exterminating my lump is formed. 

I’m staring at the peeling skin on his face. It’s dry, flaky and desperate for penetrating moisture. I have just the product for him at my spa…Lumpectomy, Mastectomy, Double Mastectomy, Radiation, Chemotherapy, Hormone Therapy… his words are passing like clouds in the space of my mind. “Do you have any questions?” he asks. I have to restrain myself from asking about his skin care regime. “Yes, I do. I’d like some time to significantly change my lifestyle before moving forward. Will you support my decision?”.

He is trying to disguise the look of Oh God, here’s another naive idealist… then quickly regains his gentle composure. “If it is an informed choice we can have a discussion, but for now please remove the gown” . Why did he bother telling me to wear one if I’m gonna be taking it right off?

I’m baring my breasts while I stare at the point where the wall meets the ceiling. His long, slender fingers are pressing against the outline of my irregular shaped lump. I can feel my areola shrink and my nipples harden, pulling away from his touch like a snail retreating into its shell. My husband Al, is telling him how brave I’d been despite the shitty card I’ve been dealt. He makes me sound like a superhero even though I don’t have the strategy to destroy my lumpy villain.

The oncologist is compassionate but what he is saying is not getting through to me… It’s not resonating. I need to feel like he’s got the answers, I need to feel some certainty… He digs into my armpit like an excavator. After he dives in a few more times, he discovers another small lump undetected by the CAT Scan. Fuck… “You’ll have to go see the surgeon before we can proceed”.

The next stop is in our neighbouring town to meet a reputable surgeon. Al’s troubled eyes are dead set on the highway, the crease between his brows deeper than usual. He’s driving with one hand on the wheel while the other is cupped over my thigh. I turn on a podcast about how detoxification is the key to healing chronic diseases. His face reflects his aversion to my keen interest in finding another way. “Just listen”, I say. “Are you seriously going to listen to some yahoo on a podcast rather than the professionals in the field of medicine?!”

I erupt into a rant about how Big Pharma wouldn’t exist if money was put into researching and building stats around natural cures for Cancer. “The whole medical monopoly would crumble if they backed nature and explored human potential!” I’m shouting because I need to believe in what I’m saying.

For 19 years, Al and I have always been on the same team facing challenges as a united front. For the first time, I’m seeing him on the other side of the field. Is this it? Is Cancer gonna be the deal breaker for us?

LESSON: ONE STEP AT A TIME – ABSORB AND REFLECT

Attack Of the “C” Word

by Maasaisis

Sept. 9, 2019

Doc opened the door, his face crumpled under the weight of what was to come.  Sensing danger I press the eject button, instantly leaving my body hostage while I usher the rest of me out to safety. I am an observer in a distant place, witnessing the epic blow smash into the 42-year-old form.  The “C” word seeps out of his mouth like toxic fumes, slowly poisoning the air in the small exam room. “You have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma… that’s Breast Cancer”. 

Invasive…my mind draws a parallel to an invasive plant species raising havoc inside my precious ecosystem. It’s aggressive root system fuels the plant to grow at an extraordinary rate, smothering the native species, devouring the existence of the original inhabitant. Devouring me…I grip the smooth, wooden arms of my seat to keep me steady. He says the abnormal cells would multiply, take over, and ultimately wipe me out without a swift contingency plan.

The standard course of action is to uproot the intruder and take extra measures to ensure my survival. In short, it’s an extract, burn, and poison operation making its habitat uninhabitable. To strike hard…quickly, before the seed pods open to spread its offspring all over me. I’ve been drafted for war…the battlefield is on my right breast.   How did I miss the war cry? How did I miss the declaration of dominion over me? How the hell did this happen? My body is an empty shell, his words swirl around inside, scrambled up in a nonsensical mess.

“It’s very treatable” he says. My MD is a kind man, who genuinely cares for my well being but the exam room is stifling me. I need to get out, to breathe myself back into the container of my body…to be alone to put all his words together and make sense of it all. “Ok, I’ll be in touch with the oncologist, thank you”. I’m surprised at the steadiness of my voice but I have to summon the force to exit the room. 

I close the windows in my car to shut the world out. The accelerating thumping of my heart pounds me from the inside. My reality is crumbling from the periphery, rattling the ground beneath me and there is nothing to hold onto. I don’t want to go to war…

LESSON: SEEK REFUGE IN A QUIET PLACE AND WAIT FOR INSTRUCTIONS.

“When i run after what i think i want, my days are a furnace of stress and anxiety; if i sit in my own place of patience, what i need flows to me, and without pain. from this i understand that what i want also wants me, is looking for me and attracting me. There is a great secret here for anyone who can grasp it.” – RUMI




Cancer Came to Cure Me

Featured by Maasaisis

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog so stay tuned for more! Please subscribe below to get notified for new post updates. I invite you to read my blogs from the beginning as my experience is written in a sequential manner. Some may call me reckless, some may call me brave, some may find refuge in a story that resonates deeply.

In Wholeness, Maasa

My Precious Family
Video 1:
The Road Less Travelled

POSTS FROM THE BEGINNING